Jake possibly relocates, while Dubya’s colleagues pour over his pores, and Sharon lands a loaded lad! Plus, per usual, readers are bitchy, puzzled and positively put out this week, what the hell else is new? Read ‘em and bleep:
Jake Gyllenhaal

James Devaney/WireImage.com

While we’re told by giddy, gay real estate movers ‘n’ minders that Jake Gyllenhaal is buying swank, family oriented real estate in San Francisco’s Noe Valley (the boys are praying Reese doesn’t come along and put flowered curtains up all over the place), this is just in from the interior, supposedly cocaine-free hallways of the White House’s West Wing: Our Desk DeeCee, which infiltrates even the Oval Office—no merde here, babes—got a good look at Dubya’s puss, which, according to tabloid reports was essentially horribly cat-scratched by Laura.
George Bush, Laura Bush

Sharkpixs/ZUMA Press

Now, we’re the first to say (in fact, we were the first to report) that the George 'n' Laura show is fast coming to an end. Very privately so, but trust, this twosome’s on its way out.

Our intrepid, highly trusted and security-vetted insiders insist no marks are on the prez’s face. Not even covered-up ones. Sorry, everybody. Know how disappointed this makes all you vicarious vicious types out there, but look—there’s time. Hear from my Bush busybodies that the real crap won’t hit the familial fan until G 'n' L are outta the spotlight. Laura’s seeing to that.

Jimmy Fallon

Jerod Harris/ZUMA Press

Plenty of indie pics to choose from this year, but for reals, who hits Sundance for the flicks alone? Some of the movies we’re intrigued by are the commitment-phobe comedy The Year of Getting to Know Us—only to see how star Jimmy Fallon squirms his way through the cast celebrations when his new wife meets one of the film’s producers J.F. allegedly fancied during filming—and the documentary Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired.  Not only are we fascinated to see if an accused rapist is rhapsodically reborn (and forgiven), just because he got screwed, legally, but we hear that flick’s behind-the-scene’s drama was rather shocking, too. Stay tuned.
Sharon Stone

Tony Barson/WireImage.com

Further sex-degrees of separation: While Fallon and his former femme filmmaker are all forced smiles, Sharon Stone, Jimmy’s costar, didn’t have to make Sundance snow angels all by her lonesome. The mattress gab we’re hearing from South Beach, Ef-Hell-Ay, is that Shar-baby is being wined and dined—quite literally—by Miami restaurateur Shareef Malnik, the same guy who escorted S2 to the Make-a-Wish Ball in M-town last November. Malnik is the opulent owner of the Forge, a mucho expensive eatery Stone happens to frequent when soaking up some cancer beams in the hood.

Shareef Malnik

Seth Browarnik/WireImage.com

We’re told Malnik ain't the prettiest oyster in the barrel, but damn if he doesn’t come loaded with pearls. Just how rich is Stone’s rumored amour? For starters, Malnik’s lawyer daddy, Al, helped bail out kiddie creep Michael Jackson a few years ago—and that freak friendship didn’t come cheap. Our baser instincts tells us Phil Bronstein may be considering putting in a warning call to Malnik sometime soon.

Heeding no caution, ever, would be the following blasting types:

Dr. Phil

Lisa o?connor/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I must take issue with your assessment of the effort it takes to "just" get a Ph.D. and the aspersions you cast on the holders of this degree using the title Dr. A Ph.D. is a very demanding degree and is, in fact, where the title originated. The medicos have just usurped us to sound classier. Dr. Phil is a sham but not because he holds a Ph.D. Stick with the fat jokes instead.
  Dr. Mary H., Ph.D., Psychology
  University of Sydney

Dear Professor Pisser:
Oh, doctor. I was actually with you until you threw your less svelte fellow human beings to the Great White Sharks outside your window. For shame!

Dear Ted:
Your One In-the-Closet Blind Vice is criminal. Animal cruelty served up as a celebrity whodunit guessing game is reprehensible cowardice. I have filed a complaint with PETA. You owe your readers an apology. When faced with an opportunity to use your mouth productively, by making certain that unconscionable abuse has been reported, you choose to smugly hide behind your column.
  Nicole M.
  Aberdeen, South Dakota

Dear Pooch Patrol:
I’ve written about just as reprehensible activities towards humans. Where’s the outcry there? And I did denounce the reprehensible activity committed by the heinous Slurpa Pop-Off, a fact you conveniently are not mentioning. Besides, how the hell do you know what I plan on doing, revelation-wise? Tell PETA hey, love them!

Hill Harper

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Thank you for adding Hill Harper's comment that the writers' strike is not just affecting writers and actors. My sister is a makeup artist and is horribly affected by this strike. She is struggling to find any work due to competition from the other 90,000+ unemployed entertainment workers.
  Lucy
  Dublin

Dear Irish Ayes:
You’re welcome.

Brad Renfro

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
You nailed it with Brad Renfro and Britney. People with real problems are dying, and it puts in perspective these freaking attention seekers. The Britneys and Lindsays have molto help available to them and should take it. Meanwhile, Brad Renfro dies alone. This isn't a joke anymore.
  Lynne
  Prince George, British Columbia, Canada

Dear Sad Brad Rad:
Damn, shame no one will take notice of this inequitable media sitch, eh?

Dear Ted:
Keep the heat on Dr. Phil. I'm beginning to think all psychologists (not psychiatrists) are full of beans. I dated a guy for years who was a woman-chasing double-crosser who finally wound up with a Ph.D. in psychology. Fast-forward 50 years. Dr. Jimbo is married and just got in touch with me. He wants to "see me" again. When he says "see me," he means nekkid. Male psychologists are all alike. No good! P.S.: I should let him "see me." He'd barf.
  Granny McGraw
  Massachusetts

Dear Beautiful Bitch:
Don't be so sure. Jimbo's obviously much more interested in himself.

George Clooney

Mark Sullivan/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
For the life of me, I can't understand the appeal of George Clooney. He comes across as so fake...The sight of him just make's me want to throw up.
  Ben
  Shelby, North Carolina

Dear Puker, Too:
What’s with folks upchucking all of a sudden? Like the sight of Fabio’d help you get your dinner down? Oh, please.

Dear Ted:
I am totally offended by the comment about those who "just get Ph.D.'s." Sure, Doc Phil is a narcissistic loser, but don't ruin it for the rest of us. I worked my ass off for six long years to get my Ph.D. in reproductive physiology. Apologize!
  Dr. Bauer
  Bloomington, Indiana

Dear All Butts About It:
No! Of course, you’ll say that’s because you remind me of my très bossy mother, and you would be accurate.

Lindsay Lohan

Dear Ted:
Brad Renfro is dead! Who's next—Lohan, Spears or Winehouse?
  Dani
  Buenos Aires, Argentina

Dear Morbid Minded:
What makes you think it won’t be another dude like, maybe, Dubya? Laura just might claw him to death, you never know.

Tom Cruise

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
May I rant for just a sec, please? We have been deluged with coverage of the shocking revelations in Andrew Morton’s new book about Tom Cruise. For weeks. Yet none of the hype has to do with Tom's [sexual] orientation. How can anyone write the "definitive" unauthorized bio on Cruise without dealing with the gay-allegation issue? Frankly, if you haven't got the goods on that part of Cruise's life—which is one of the most discussed parts—why even bother writing the book?
  Scott
  Louisville, Kentucky

Dear Book Basher:
Spawned-in-outer-space theories prolly sell pretty well, too. We’ll see.

Jamie Lynn Spears

Paul Fenton/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I think they should just go ahead with a new season of Zoey 101 for Jamie Lynn, call it nine months with Whoey 101. The Spears family are skanks!
  Mary
  Laguna Hills, California

Dear Mary Contrary:
Hey, Sean Preston, Jayden James and future Jaime Lynn Jr. have an uncle, big bro Bryan. We have yet to see his crotch shot, and, as far as I know, he hasn’t gotten pregnant, so it seems the eensiest bit unfair to generalize the whole fam just by its female members.

Anna Nicole Smith

Ning Chiu/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Do you think the reason that Anna Nicole Smith didn't want to admit that Dannielynn's father was Larry Birkhead was because she knew he would be doing exactly what he has done since he was declared the father?
  Pamela
  Roslyn, New York

Dear Anna's Keeper:
You actually think Anna Nicole Smith would have a problem with media overexposure? She probably would have said a television was her baby’s daddy if it meant she’d get some more time in the spotlight.

Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey

Theo Wargo/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
One Fagola-Addled Blind Vice has got to be Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey. Her winning smile and his sexy coif? Totally them.
  Allie
  San Diego

Dear How to Lose a Blind Vice in 10 Days:
Good guess, but Matthew’s got a baby on the way, and it ain’t Kate’s.

Dear Ted:
Does Tom Cruise actually have any fans left?
  Kay
  Rochester, New York

Dear Nein:
He’s got an entire religion watching his back! Besides that, Cruise is still a power player in H-town and abroad—though, I can’t say the same thing for his rancid rep in Germany. The new David Hasselhoff he is not.

Julia Roberts, Clive Owen

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com, Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
I always think I know these, but I'm usually wrong. But Seymour Slim-Bum and Darlene Deviant  from One Redux Doo-Doo Blind Vice are Julia Roberts and Clive Owen. They were working on Duplicity together, and now all of a sudden no one is talking about it.
  Stephanie
  Seattle

Dear Det. Delish:
Julia and Clive got pretty tight in Closer...but you’ve got a long (slightly less beauteous) way to go.

Dear Ted:
Is it just me, or have some of your readers gotten downright nasty toward you lately? Mean, mean, mean people out there! BTW, I happen to like the tipped crew cut on you—makes you look all rugged.
  Ginger
  Boston

Dear Ginger (no Mary Ann):
Well, aren’t you the sweetest spice on the rack? I’m gonna have to sprinkle you all over.

Kate Bosworth

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
The best celebrity diet?
  Melissa
  Gzira, Malta

Dear Pounds Puzzled:
Actually, it’s remembering to eat (smaller portions, though), quite unlike Kate Bosworth, et al.

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