Each morning, the harangued writers of The Soup are asked to come up with thousands upon thousands of jokes based on the previous day's events. Only a tiny percentage of these quips ever make it to the show. What happens to the rest? Many of them are offered for sale to Reader's Digest—we're saving up to buy a snowmobile—but the rest are discarded.

Until now. Please find yourself a chuckle in these still top-shelf Jokes of the Day.

Paris Hilton

Angela Coqueran/INFPhoto.com

• A pet store in Los Angeles reportedly refused to allow Paris Hilton to purchase a puppy she wanted to use in a photo shoot because it was seen as an impulse buy. In Paris' defense, she doesn't think about anything before she does it.

• Amy Winehouse was taken to the hospital after passing out at her house in London. Amy's rep said the singer is fine aside from the fact that she's pissed someone ruined her buzz.

Scarlett Johansson regularly emails Barack Obama and is surprised that he writes her back, because he must have so many more pressing matters.
Then stop bugging him. Do you want him to lose just because you wanted his opinion on how many hearts should be on your new sneaker line?

Oprah Winfrey gave the commencement address at Stanford, telling the graduates, "Money is pretty nice. I like money. It's good for buying things." Oprah added, "So have fun with those student loans, I just bought God."

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