Britney Spears

Fame Pictures Inc.

Just caught the South Park episode lampooning our obsession with Britney Spears. Is there anything at all that would get the media to stop hounding her? What could kill Britneymania?
—Whitley, Portland

What Britneymania? Ever since daddy Jamie took away Britney's stumbling permit and strapped her into a $1,500-a-week spending limit, the minute-by-minute coverage of the pop star's meltdowns has died down considerably.

Aside from that scintillating news about her driver's license trial being postponed, shocking details about her having soup for dinner, some incident involving Mel Gibson and the South Park episode itself, we got nothing. At least, not this very second.

Still, this B!tch has compiled a list of what might make Britney's media interest go away completely, leaving the worst-case-scenario—Spoiler Alert!—for the South Park guys. Here are the rest:

1. Miley Cyrus A suddenly very warped, drunk and preferably pregnant Miley Cyrus—a Miley who has dropped the well-scrubbed hillbilly family routine, dipped herself in a massive vat of glitter-caked Vaseline and engaged in decidedly un-Disneylike relations on video with some or, preferably all, members of the Jonas clan.

"We'd need a shift in spotlight to someone else who people find even more interesting right now," says Kirk Olson, vice president of the trend research firm Iconoculture. "And the only person who fits is Miley Cyrus."

2. More money, less war: Seriously. Americans always gravitate toward salacious gossip and light news when they're feeling insecure and crave escape, Olson says. We also like to see other people fail whenever our money is running low and our death tolls are high. "In times that are uncertain, consumers gravitate toward this icon-toppling behavior," Olson tells this B!tch.

3. Britney turns into Carrie Underwood: And it bores us into fleeing.

4. Nothing: "I don't think the interest is ever going to go away," says MediaWeek's Lucia Moses. "Sociologically speaking, celebrity seems to answer an inner need for people. I do think we've naturally reached a limit of media outlets covering the subject, though."

That's a comfort. Sort of. Not.

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