What’s Ellen Page putting in her system? And what the hell is Cate Blanchett sending out of hers? It’s all in an Oscars weekend’s work. Plus, you naysayers out in Awful-ville sure are workin’ overtime, take a peak in the brimmin’ mailbag!
Barack Obama

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com

Regarding the Oscars show that was eaten by the Europeans (no, not by politics and Obama, as Bill O'Reilly’s producer called me wanting to know), we’ll be writing golden-shower outtakes prolly all week. Sorry, we like the silly grandma awardsfest as much as the next H-town idiot. Got a few outtakes from the glittery but soggy weekend to give ya before we get to this week’s bitchy mailbag...more Big O stuff latuh. Read on. Mouthings-off first:
Whoopi Goldberg

James DeVaney/WireImage.com

Starting with mine. What the ef is up with the Academy? First, it disses Whoopi Goldberg by not including the Academy Award-winning former Oscar host in their past-hosts montage (sexist much, Camp Oscar?), then Brad Renfro gets no face time whatsoever for those stars who have passed in the previous year.

Oscar peeps who must have studied at the Eddie Murphy School of Good Samaritan Transvestite Whopper Excuses said there simply wasn’t space for Renfro to be included. Only A-list drug-addicted stars, à la Heath Ledger, need apply. Oh, merde, what crap-ola. Less stinky sassin’ follows: 

Patricia Clarkson


“I like both, but I need to pay the rent.”

—Patricia Clarkson at the Independent Spirit Awards on whether she likes working in independent films or bigger budget flicks. Sell the awards you get from your indie movies on eBay? Both problems solved

Cate Blanchett

Cosima Scavolini/LaPresse/ZUMAPress

“I’m having a baby, that’s about all I need to know!”

—Cate Blanchett, also at the Spirits, on whether she’s having a boy or a girl. ‘Course, Catey wouldn’t give a hoot about gender after playing Bob Dylan, we’re certain

"Flown from Italy to New York for one night and back.”

—Sienna Miller, on the craziest thing she’s ever done for love. We would’ve answered “Jude Law,” but to each his own

 "I don't know. I bought it in a store!"

—Aisha Tyler, on her fair-to-fussy outfit at the Spirit Awards. The lack of a stylist is what makes 'em independent

Ellen Page

AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian

“I played charades and drank tequila. And I’ve never tasted alcohol before—what a funny, sharp taste.”

—Juno’s Ellen Page on what she did for her 21st birthday. Not like it matters, since Ell’s Canadian. She could have had that drink at 18, aye

Harrison Ford, Calista Flockhart

Eric Charbonneau/WireImage.com

“Her eyes were so wrinkled, I almost didn’t recognize her.”

—Red carpet crony of one Calista Flockhart, erstwhile date to über-crank-a-thon Harrison Ford, who we mentioned yesterday was being veddy cantankerous both on the carpet and inside the Kodak

Was it because Calista-doll’s having the guts to age in this town, something no dame over 29 dare do round these parts? Or is because Harry-baby didn’t partake, pre-Oscar presenting, in those wackier habits he’s so fond of (as he’s told me so, doll-babies and E! lawyer types, so lay the ef off, already!).

Hmmm. Tough call. We go with the latter, as Ford was riding high on the latest Indy Jones installment being done, and—let’s get real—he’s never really been known for taking the overly traveled plastic road in Tinseltown, now has he? Instead, get your knives out for the following, why doncha?

Mary-Kate Olsen

Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What would have motivated Mary-Kate Olsen to not immediately call the paramedics to Heath Ledger's apartment? Could she have been held legally responsible for anything, or was she more concerned about the court of public opinion?
Dear Mary, Mary Quite Contrary:
Ellen Pompeo

Jordan Strauss/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I think Death-Mint Myrtle from One Wasted Waist Blind Vice is either Ellen Pompeo or Joely Richardson.

Dear Death Decider:
Ellen and Joely should go on a buffet lunch date together, fer sure, but it ain’t either of them. Think same thin frame, longer career, though.
Johnny Knoxville

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Furrowed Frank from One Muscle Matchmaker Blind Vice Johnny Knoxville? He's pretty impish, and I wouldn't necessarily call what this jackass does "entertainment"—although some probably would.
Dear Ham Chowder:
Actually pretty close there, babycakes. Ain’t J.K. though, think similar frame just less (obviously) comic.
George Clooney

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I just read on another website that people in H'wood are sick of George Clooney and basically think he's a phony and a jerk. Tell me it ain't so, Ted. He always seems so genuine, whether he's building awareness for Darfur or raging against the paps. What's the real skinny?
  Studio City, California
Dear Clooney Curious:
Ask him yourself, dear. You live right in his hood.
Isaiah Washington

Steve Granitz/Wireimage.com

Dear Ted:
Isaiah Washington plays a gay character named Kyle in the movie Get on the Bus by Spike Lee. I thought you would find that interesting...
  Savage, Minnesota
Dear Forge Washington:
Very little about Isaiah Washington interests me anymore.
Scarlett  Johansson

Daniele Venturelli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What is up with Scarlett Johansson? She looks so different, but I cannot put my finger on what it is.
Dear Keep Your Digits Off ScarJo:
Her b-f Ryan Reynolds wouldn’t let you. He’s keeping those girls to himself.
Tobey Maguire

Jun Sato/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I really do believe that the One Lamentable Blind Vice is about Tobey Maguire. I won't expect an answer from you, because I think I am right.
  Lees Summit, Montana
Dear Horrifically Close:
Ain’t Tobey, but doll-puss, you have no idea how almost right on the slightly aged heartthrob money you are.
Laura Bush

Remi Ochlik/Maxppp/ZumaPress.com

Dear Ted:
Here's a hetero luv-ya from conservative Central California! Where did Laura B live when she moved out of the White House?
  Bakersfield, California
Dear First Shady:
Thanks, straight person! It was the Hay-Adams in Washington, D.C.
Felicity Huffman

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Is Death-Mint Myrtle from One Wasted Waist Blind Vice Felicity Huffman? I know Teri Hatcher is the more obvious choice for a TV star with an eating reticence, but Felicity's looking quite skinny herself and has a much more successful film career. I've been reading your column for more than five years, and I'm hoping to finally get one of your Blind Vices right!
  Lexington, Kentucky
Dear Feed Felicity:
Fel’s surely gotten thinner as Housewives has gotten some heat, but we’re pretty positive F-Huff’s hubbie, William H. Macy, wouldn’t want a fragile female for a wife. Try less blond and much more wrong...
Calista Flockhart

Lisa O?Connor/ZUMApress.com

 Dear Ted:
Is Death-Mint Myrtle Calista Flockhart? She has always seemed to look like she needed a good helping of some Philly cheesesteaks.
Dear Questioning Calista:
Ally needs a McMeal...And we need better puns. Cal’s in the clear, but you’re close. Tad older, diff hair color.
Dirt, Courteney Cox


Dear Ted:
I'm taking yet another guess at a Blind Vice. Is Death-Mint Myrtle Courteney Cox from Dirt?
Cathy Simmons
  Dickinson, Texas
Dear Clean as Cox:
Court’s a naturally skinny minnie, far as we know. Though, she was never funnier than when she donned that fat suit on Friends. Try a more noncable creature...
Britney Spears

Fame Pictures

Dear Ted:
Love your column, but I just had to write to tell you that not all witches are bad...So your comment about witches being a potential problem for "idiot of the century" Britney Spears kinda wasn't appreciated by this particular real-life witch. We gotta break some stereotypes here. You should be able to sympathize with that, no?
  Westhampton, New Jersey

P.S.: I won't be trying to turn you into a toad either!

Dear Witch o' the East:
Scientologists are all up in arms about being made a punch line, and now witches? Who the ef besides Republicans is left for us to make fun of?
Anne Heche

Jerome Ware/ZUMA Press.com

Dear Ted:
Is Anne Heche Death-Mint Myrtle?
  Natal, Brazil 
Dear Ellen's-Ex Examiner:
Anne Heche has enough problems to deal with—luckily a nonexistent appetite ain’t one of ‘em.
Dwayne The Rock Johnson

Jerome Ware/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I'm convinced Furrowed Fred from One Muscle Matchmaker Blind Vice has to be The Rock.
Dear Beachy Bummin':
Nope, The Rock may be mysteriously metro-studly for a wrestler, but the beefy dude ain’t our boy-shoppin’ barbell lifter. Think far less machismo.
Tom Cruise


Dear Ted:
Would you stop saying you’re a fan of Tom Cruise? No true fan would write about him the way you do. When he does get his Oscar—and he will—his true fans will be happy for him, unlike you, who will undoubtedly take credit somehow for him receiving it.
  A True Fan
  New York
Dear Bitter:
Angry because you're Tom’s only remaining supporter, besides me?
Heath Ledger

Kevin MazurWireImage

Dear Ted:
Two things. First, do you think Britney's "bipolar disorder" and "multiple personalities" are just symptoms of alcoholism and/or drug addiction? Second, our society seems to view addiction as a moral issue as opposed to looking at it as a disease. I think this is why so many readers were in a tizzy over the Awful Truth’s view on Heath—they thought the AT was attacking H.L.'s character. Obvs, not true—some readers must not be familiar with addiction. Thanks, Ted, for not living in denial.
  College Station, Texas
Dear Disease Detective:
This is a chicken-or-the-egg sitch with Brit’s mental and addiction disorders. Doubt even she knows which came first.
Dear Ted:
Do you really believe these stories that become Blind Vices? And do you pay for these stories?
  Norfolk, Virginia
Dear Dish Disbeliever:
Yes and no. If I were making these Vices up, trust me, there would be far more stories about naked couch-jumping movie stars hot-oil wrestling with gossip columnists.
John McCain, Cindy McCain

Don Himsel/Nashua Telegraph/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
I thought the Mrs. McCain retired-hooker joke ranked up there with your top five funniest comments! No need to apologize.
Dear Hillary:
Got a lotta spare time on your hands these days?
Catherine Zeta-Jones

Lalo Yasky/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I was wondering if Catherine Zeta-Jones is nice. I like her movies, but I've heard that she is a bitch. Is it true?
  British Columbia, Canada

Dear Cathy Cop:
Total lovebug! If you’re not working for her, that is.
Kathy Hilton

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Your comments about the showbiz moms like Kathy Hilton are totally dead on. They want their kids to be their meal tickets. Case in point: Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears. The sad thing is that little girls all over the world look up to Paris and Brit and want to emulate them. Sad, isn't it?
Dear Dinners from Daughters:
Where’s Natalie Portman’s mom when you need her? She’s done a pretty perf job of raising an in-the-spotlight offspring. Mr. and Mrs. Portman should open up a boarding school for all these wayward celeb youths, stat, doncha think?
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton

Jemal Countess/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Enough of the Bush marriage innuendo. While no marriage is perfect, nothing he does will ever be as bad as the Clintons' sham of a marriage and Bill's lying to my face. I can't even believe people still respect them after what they did to this country. At least I know Bush's admin won't destroy White House property and steal stuff when they leave.
  San Francisco
Dear Safety Snit:
Yep, the White House is safe and sound...'Cause it ain’t located in Iraq.
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