Everyone thought, with all the rush and excitement of sticking it to Madge, that Care-bear had forgotten to sign a prenuptial agreement protecting all the money she made from her hit singles and her last marriage to Tommy Mottola. 'Course, M-babe might occasionally dress like a bimbo, but she's far from being one—bless her bevy of bling, Fox News reported that the newbie bride signed one before tying the knot. 'Cause what in the hell could be stupider than this sexy and über-successful soprano signing away a lifetime of moolah? Let's see!
10. The audience, after sitting through a Glitter / Tennessee double feature.
9. The ladies from Flavor of Love teaching a class in etiquette.
8. The cast of The Hills discussing politics.
7. Nick Cannon regifting an engagement ring.
6. Movie titles that are also puns. Made of Honor, Maid in Manhattan...sensing a trend here?
5. Wheeling an ice cream cart while speaking in gibberish on TRL.
4. John Mayer's new tattoo sleeve.
3. Every M.C. album name—Daydream, Rainbow, Butterfly, Charmbracelet—that is not a theory of relativity.
2. Single-celled paramecium. (Although they do produce their own food, and I can’t even do that without blowing up my microwave, so how stupid can they be?)
1. Mariah Carey getting married with a prenup. A former teen actor from a Nickelodeon show? Seriously, Mimi? Were Drake and Josh already taken?
Feels like every event in a celeb’s career is preempted by some sort of juicy gossip? All this shameless not-so-subtle promotion reeks of a product too poor to succeed on its own merits—a baby bump or some engagement bling is what's used to keep a name in the news, lest we all forget someone exist. Well, using the logic that Private Life Event + Upcoming Album/Movie = Awesome Opportunity to Exploit Everything About Yourself, let’s look into the future to see who might be the next T-towner to make a "very special" announcement...
Album: Bring Ya to the Brink, May 27
Cyndi’s been off the mainstream scene for way too long (‘cept for her sensational True Colors tour), so she’s gonna have to work triple hard to promote her new tunes. We’re talkin’ sex tapes, DUIs, alleged affairs, baby bumps, public meltdowns, getting a star on the Walk of Fame...the whole shebang. Nothing’s too salacious if it sells!
Album: TBA, July 8
Most of these fellas are still way underage, so don’t expect any Hanson-style offspring to be sprung from these boys in anticipation of their all-new album. The littlest one growing facial hair is enough reason to send out a press release.
Album: Sol-Angel and the Hadley Street Dreams, Aug. 26
Sol-hon’s prolly gonna ride her sister’s wedded bliss all the way to the bank, so she can keep her own private affairs to herself without preparing her publicist. She should, however, just rename her album I’m Related to Beyoncé and call it a day.