Exposed backs are the new crotch shots in T-town, since the whole world's got its panties in a bunch over Hannah Montana's ho-hum Annie Leibo-pics. Walk into any junior high and you'll see a lot more skin than seen on Miley-babe, seriously. Plus, I get a few things off my bachelor chest before departing, and your questions are answered way ahead of time!
Note to Readers:
As I’m off to get hitched, the column for the next two weeks will be written in truncated form by the reliably droll—but always informative!—Becky Bain, my partner in sublime crime here at A.T. Please be kind to her while I’m away. If not, hell, she can take it; she’s from New Yawk, like all good malcontents. And don't freak out at the seemingly misplaced mail bag—it's still Friday; you didn't fly through the weekend in a coma and wake up on a Tuesday. Just had to address some hideously honest mail before I took off. I know you need your bitchy answers.
Miley Cyrus

Kevin Mazur/

What’s with everyone getting mad at li'l Miss Miley over her backless, classless snapshot? Everyone’s acting like it’s a leaked sex tape or a snuff film. Remember when High School Musical’s vixen Vanessa Hudgens took off her mouse ears (and everything else) and we all had a good laugh at the humiliated hottie’s expense? No one called it the devastation of virtue and innocence the way everyone’s squawking about M.C.’s professionally photographed pics. Hell, even Disney tsk-tsk’d the young lady but still signed her up for another HSM installment. And those full frontal photos were self-snapped when gal was just 17 years old. What’s the dif this time, besides two years? How come more nudity and an amateur photog make it less controversial?
Vanity Fair strikes again. Of course, they knew this would happen. It’s what they were courting—trust, I know many editors there; they’re confirming it—despite whatever fallout mess they’re attempting to avoid, presently. La Lohan really does need to hire V.F. staffers to redo her career, forget relying on anybody in this town.
Rumer Willis

Chris Weeks/

But really, can we please go back to hating on real things, like terrorism, global warming and Rumer Willis? With all this hubbub about oversexualizing a minor (tho we personally were getting more than backless back in our teenage day), a minor celeb sneaked on the list of People’s 100 Most Beautiful. Don’t wag your finger at us like we’re a bunch of superficial beauty queens crinkling our noses at anyone with unconventional attractiveness. But we know, as we mentioned columns ago, that Rumie doesn’t even have that inner good-lookin’ stuff that makes a Jay Leno jaw invisible. Anyone remember when we overheard Ms. R talking smack about Miley-babe and all her talents. Ashton, send your step-daughter up to her room until she learns if you can’t say (or wear) anything nice, you shouldn’t be on a Beautiful People list.
Vanessa Hudgens

Todd Williamson/

Dear Ted:
First it was Vanessa Ann Hudgens, and now it's Miley Cyrus getting nekkid. When will Disney break down and let Ashley Tisdale and Brenda Song get nekkid, too? I like 'em au naturel!
  Eugene, Ore.
Dear Creepy:
Stay out of the schoolyard!
Sarah Silverman

John Shearer/

Dear Ted:
So it's OK for Sarah Silverman (and you) to use the word "faggot" yet not OK for Isaiah Washington to do the same thing? I am so sure that old Sarah never uses it derogatorily when she and Jimmy are noshing on...oh, that’s right. I guess because you are both of the Jewish persuasion, it's all right. You, my friend, are a bigot!
  Alexandria, Va.
Dear Bagel Brain:
No, that’s you. First, I’m as waspish as  Martha Stewart’s fat ass; secondly, it’s all about intent, baby. Something you know a lot about, hater.
Tom Cruise

Lalo Yasky/

Dear Ted:
Which one of Tom Cruise's wives has the most secrets to spill? Mimi, Nicole or Katie? Love your column!
  Nashua, N.H.
Dear Tough One:
I’m gonna say Holmes, since she prolly found out all the secrets from the other two to add to her own personal collection of horror stories.
Dear Ted:
Congratulations on your upcoming nups! I'm making my donation to the local Humane Society in Margo's name (they just nabbed my run-away hound, Buddy, yet again). He's a happy boy, just not too smart. This is a no-kill shelter and is a wonderful place to adopt from. Keep up the great work.
  Mel M
  Big Woods, WI

Pissy PS: Wish everyone could get married everywhere—why not share the misery?!

Dear Funny:
Actually, you’re not kidding, are you? Yikes.
Paula Abdul

Todd Williamson/

Dear Ted:
Fanny Fecal-Farmer
from  One Smelly-Sapphic Blind Vice has to be Paula Abdul. She also can't say a negative thing to the Idol contestants, so I imagine she couldn't reprimand a little dog...
  Buffalo, N.Y.
Dear Poo Poo for Paula:
Sure, she can say negative things...just not in the right order. P.A.’s guilty of a lot of things (mostly ruining my Super Bowl halftime experience), but she’s clear from this canine chaos. F3’s show has nowhere near Idol numbers.
Americas Next Top Model: Tyra Banks

De Yonkers/The CW

Dear Ted:
Is Tyra Banks the Fanny Fecal-Farmer from last week's One Smelly, Sapphic Blind Vice?
  Natal, Brazil
Dear Banking on Banks:
You can’t catch T.B. from this B.V., 'cause it ain’t her. Think more action, less nonstop talk.
Dear Ted:
Last Monday's column was the meanest column I've read in ages, and not the least bit of the wit I've come to enjoy and expect.
Dear Touchy:
What do you expect from a Pissed List? Should we start doing Friendly Fridays to counterbalance the hate? What a heinous thought.
Question Mark Silouette
Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile's boyfriend a goose or a fish?
  Brenda Sue
  Sunset Beach, Calif.
Dear Neither:
He’s a fox.
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama

Brian Ach/, Paul Fenton/

Dear Ted:
I'll take a pragmatic Democrat who is electable any day over McCain. Unfortunately, it would be political suicide for either Hillary or Barack to support gay marriage. Call it cowardice if you choose, but we will get equal rights a lot faster if either Hillary or Obama is elected.
  Naples, Fla.
Dear OK:
David Archuleta


Dear Ted:
In regard to David Archuleta at the Grove, just to let you know, we have plenty of fruits in Utah (in fact, I know a transplant from Utah who works at the Grove)—it's just we don't have a lot of PDAs. Congratulations on the wedding, throwing some cyber rice your way.
  Salt Lake City
Dear Needs Salt:
Guess Hell-Ay’s makin’ up for Utah’s lack of public love, something Davey-A is getting a lot of least on air from the judges’ table.
Ashlee Simpson

Chris Weeks/

Dear Ted:
Two things: (1) Regarding Ashlee Simpson, Wet Seal clothing line, I didn't know Wet Seal was even still around? Holy crap, talk about taking me back to my college days, and (2) All this backpedaling and apologizing by Miley Cyrus is really annoying me. I don't think any of the pics that have come out where she is in a "revealing" position, or whatever, are the least bit bad or embarrassing for herself or her image. She needs to quit apologizing and not even acknowledge these fuddy-duddies who are trying to make her feel bad.
  Sanford, Ef-Hell-Ay
Dear Miley Mess:
The ol' “sticks and stones” mantra works in gym class...but not with Disney. Gal might be a billionaire, but the Mouse has a lot more moolah (and power) than all the tween pop tarts in the world. Throughout history. Combined.
Gerard Butler

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
I had to chime in on your story about G. Butler and his lame-ass pick up lines. And you were right on the money, no woman will ever fall for those god-awful things. I actually had a guy use this gem: "Was your dad a lumberjack? 'Cause you've been giving me wood all night!" Can you believe that? He actually came up to me and said that, with his friends watching! Needless to say, that idiot def went home alone!
  Lancaster, Pa.
Dear Pick-Me-Up:
At least he gave ya a chuckle—some fellas can’t even accomplish that much.
Britney Spears Fantasy perfume

Dear Ted:
I hate to tell you but Brit's fragrances are really nice and you can get them on sale at CVS or Sears!
  Los Angeles
Dear Thanks, But:
If I wanted to smell like Britney, I’d pour a Frappuccino over my head and light a cigarette.
Jackie Warner, Work Out

Kevin Lynch / Bravo

Dear Ted:
I have a guess for Fanny Fecal-Farmer. Is it Jackie Warner from Work Out? She has pooches, has a reality show and is athletic.
  Aurora, Colo.
Dear Warner Doesn’t Work:
But you’re getting hot...speed up that treadmill!
Star Jones
Dear Ted:
Hot damn, Mr. C, do you have a third eye? When you said, "Everybody watch, now that Star's dropped the Reynolds from her name, the man will be next," you were right on, yet again! I have no idea why anybody complains about you or your column—you have always been right about everything you've printed, and I happen to like Ted-speak.
  Skokie, Ill.
Dear Stars are Blind:
Thanks dollface, you’re a true-blue fan, fer sure. Trust.
Dear Ted:
I thought that Gerard Butler's pickup line was adorable and would not have minded if he wanted to pick me up like that. Maybe he isn't so secure of himself as we all think. Actually, I prefer seeing Gerard being a little dorky. That makes him sexier.
  San Francisco
Dear Battling Butler:
You must have a thing for comic-book geeks and Trekkies, no? At least that definition of dorky is adorable...G.B.’s is just desperate.
Ellen DeGeneres

Michael Rozman/Warner Bros.

Dear Ted:
Fanny Fecal Farmer is Ellen, right? I've always loved her, and now I am all grossed out!
  Nanuet, N.Y.
Dear Keep Lovin’ Her:
Ellen’s done with her doggy daymares—think younger, less “out” there.
Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn

Art Seitz/

Dear Ted:
Just reading today's column, and it's not the first time you've mentioned Jen Aniston's fag-loving ways.  Just curious, since she's "the biggest fag hag ‘round," what does this say about Vince Vaughn?
  Cathy Simmons
  Dickinson, Texas
Dear Aniston Amour:
Hey, even fruit flies need a little honey once in awhile. V2’s all fact, he’s too much man, have you seen the guy’s gut lately? Is this the same stud from Swingers?
Jake Gyllenhaal

Theo Wargo/

Dear Ted:
Oh, please! You must start using warning signs when you conjure up visual images such as this one: "Jake Gyllenhaal used to strut and stretch right next to Patrick Dempsey, me and Tobey Maguire, all at the same pumping station." What are you trying to do, give your readers heart palpitations or something similar a little lower down? Made my day!
  New York City
Dear Gym Bunnies:
No prob, and feel free to write up some fan fiction of the four of us fellas, makes great reading material (and more).
Blind Vice: Version 1

E! Networks/Comcast Entertainment Group

Oh, Brother, Can You Believe This Sister?
And folks say the guys are dirty little birdies? Meet Vadge-Fly Trap. In today’s Blind Vice, she proves that it isn't just the fellas who think with their crotches first and their publicists’ speed-dialing second.
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