Toxic Threads

Oh, poor Britney. She maybe be cleanin' up her liver, but girlfriend's got a big ol' performance prob in the coiffure 'n' couture department—is there any hope for her rumored comeback tour? Plus, you nasty-ass readers just have to have the last e-word, doncha?

Britney Spears sure has been spendin' tons of time at Millennium Dance Complex since she got outta rehab (uh, when she's not performing stand-up for X17, that is). Seems B.S. has replaced her constant club hopping with hitting said North Hollywood studio. And she's not just there to burn Cheeto calories and booty-shake her way back into shape. Girlfriend's working on a comeback, and she just might be coming to a city near you.

"She's about to do a small House of Blues tour to perform a few new songs and some old ones," say very well-connected peeps.

I hear she's also hard at work on new choreography and dance moves, natch. But most interesting are the getups she rocks during rehearsals.

Picture it: a cowboy hat, a bra, leopard-print panties and stilettos. Yup, that's just one wacky ensemble I'm hearing the Britster donned for a recent dance session. How very Miss Xtina nearly a decade ago.

"Bystanders were trying not to laugh at her as she rehearsed," says a snitty source. Let's just hope these bizarro-witnesses were amused by the freaky fashion choices and not Brit's vampin' moves, shall we?

And speaking of all things funny, let's take a look-see at what tickled (and ticked off) you readers this week.

Dear Ted:
Lurv your column. Here's my question: Nicole Kidman has a forehead the size of movie theater screen—why does she insist on not wearing bangs?
  Lisa
  Everett, Massachusetts

Dear Top Cop:
Nicole's obviously frozen in her tastes, my sweet.

Dear Ted:
With all the recent gay rumors surrounding Shane West, could he be Toothy Tile? If not, give us the scoop. Is he gay?
  Robert
  Montreal, Quebec

Dear Homo Hunter:
I have no idea whatsoever 'bout Shane-hon's boudoir ways—can't say I'm the least bit interested, either. Nice guy, but I feel like I'm in some dorko rocker's basement (and not any kind of nooky environs) every time I see him around.

Dear Ted:
Just write about the gay guys. They are more interesting, the breeders are too boring—enough!
  Mark
  Phoenix

Dear Stupid-Ola:
Rose McGowan using men like some kind of loading chamber doesn't do anything for ya? Even that pretty poofy pistol Reichen doesn't shoot off that much!

Dear Ted:
Okay, here's my guess for Teri-Fairy Terrible. It certainly must be Meredith Vieira. She is not funny and has absolutely no chemistry with Matt Lauer or Al Roker.
  Sherri
  Walton, Kentucky

Dear Det. Damning:
And this makes her the heinously bitchy and sexually ambivalent Teri for what reason? Sorry, Meredith is about as Cruella DeVilesque as Drew Barrymore. Think far more sinister.

Dear Ted:
Something's been bothering me for a while, and I know you have the answer—what is up with Cameron Diaz smiling and posing for the paparazzi every time she leaves the friggin' gym? Is this the same girl who used to get all Charlie's Angels on their asses?
  Sharon
  Buffalo, New York

Dear Suspicious:
Oh, please, Cam's the nicest, don't you dare diss her! Besides, she's a woman recuperating from that frizzy-haired, cowardly breast fondler, so be sweet to her, already. (Translation: Diaz is recovering from being dumped—of course she's going to be saccharine to the press, you dummy.)

Dear Ted:
Baby, could Teri-Fairy be Kelly Ripa? She seems like a sweetheart, but I can see some sort of evil in her!
  Angelina
  Miami

Dear Onto Something:
Damn straight—Ms. R. has a sinister side, as any Clay Aiken (talk about a Miss Snitty-Poo) fan is well aware. Alas, T.F. ain't the Regis broad. Wrong time period and hair color.

Dear Ted:
How about all the gossip going on regarding Lauren and Heidi from The Hills? Word's out Heidi got a boob job and nose job. Then, all of the sudden, there's even more embarrassing scoop about Lauren possibly having a sex tape. I bet Spencer planted that in the tabloids to get back at Lauren for spreading the word on Heidi's surgery. Can you look into it? He is such a scum, I wouldn't put it past him.
  T.
  McLean, Virginia

Dear Body Tart:
Although Miss New Boobs denies she and that fugly boy-toy of hers are behind that one, there's a long list of "friends" it could be. They're as bitchy 'n' conniving as they are blond in The Hills, take my queeny word. Maybe season three will shed some perfectly rehearsed light?

Dear Ted:
Is Blood E. Nostril from Two Bodily Fluid Blind Vices America Ferrera? She fits the sweet, good-girl image, and she's definitely "older and less skeletal" than Hilary Duff.
  Jessica
  Chicago

Dear Nose Handy:
Not even close, Ms. Sniffer-Sniffer. Think far more beautiful, more cagey, more, well, everything!

Dear Ted:
I never thought I would have to read this much crap about Rose McGowan, post-Charmed. Do you think she orchestrated this mess? It sure isn't hurting her in the publicity department. Enough, already. She's getting on my last nerve.
  Vicki
  St. Petersburg, Florida

Dear Tricky Vicki:
No woman who got famous with Marilyn Manson for her mattress mate is without public relations guile.

Dear Ted:
Teri-Fairy Terrible has to be Martha Stewart. Didn't that fake be-yotch learn anything in prison?
  Jill
  Rochester Hills, Michigan

Dear Apron Zings:
I've said it before, and I'll say it (yet) again: Martha Stewart is not a fake. She's one of the most up front, in-your-face, Waspy ice queens around. So, she's hardly a candidate for the manipulative, backstabbing Teri-F. Think far less corporate, a tad younger.

Dear Ted:
T.F.T. sounds a lot like Rachael Ray. Maybe?
  Richard
  Valley Forge, Pennsylvania

Dear Ray Gunnin':
Great guess-a-rooney, gumdrop, but alas, too pretty, too young and too fake-nice, trust.

Dear Ted:
Was curious what you think about this whole Don Imus mess? He said some terrible, vile things, and I think he deserves the flack he's getting, but why is it that he's the one getting fired, while his brethren in terrible, vile comments, Isaiah Washington and Mel Gibson (jerks!), continue getting decent-size paychecks?
  Trace
  Upland, California

Dear Good Questioner:
Because Imus is an old coot, eccentric, less a part of the corporate machinery that Washington and Gibson slither round with. I say Imus should have kept his job and reported from a stall in the Rutgers women's room for a year (and Washington and Gibson should be forced to play, on film, victims of the crimes they, themselves, have committed).

Dear Ted:
Do you really wonder why Chris Rock oddly looks much more cutely doable in person than he does on camera, or is that code for something?
  Sarah
  Santa Monica

Dear Oh, Please:
Sometimes I do actually say what I mean.