Flesh Out of Water

I have today for you a veritable same-sex rumpus campus of horny, hiding-out celebs. Ready to get in the goosing, guessing mood? Great! Free glow-in-the-dark condoms 'n' cherry-flavored lube to whoever figures out the below jokers first! Kidding!

But first, since it's a new annum and I know you're all resolving to get your butts to the gym more often, I thought I'd give you some celeb inspiration. See, all your favest stars took off for even sunnier climes than Hell-Ay for their holidays, paying no regard to the paps who were snapping away (yeah, right).

So, we've gone through and picked our favorite frolickers from Miami to Hawaii. Tell me, who would you like to see go ahead and lose their swimsuit the most? (Sign in and post your so, so clever picks in the Comments down below.)

First up, Ashlee Simpson, tanning her hide in Honolulu. Gotta say, since A.S. got her schnoz done, her attractiveness has dropped (in my opinion), and these pics aren't exactly helping her case.

Now, I'm not suggesting she go all Kate Bosworth on us or anything, but is it bitchy to say I think her bod would benefit from some crunches? She's almost making Jessica seem like the hot Simpson sis again, and that's a tough feat, considering how orange and overstuffed Jess has been looking lately.

Next, we've got Jessica Alba, sunning supreme in South Beach, where she was on vacay. In this par-tick pic, she's tossing a football with her b-f Cash Warren. This girl works out even while in the water…impressive, right? Now, Jess has confessed to being a total health freak and goes to the gym often, but I gotta wonder if she might be overdoing it a tad. I can count the ribs on her, and that's never a good thing.

On the complete opposite end, so to speak, is Brandon Davis, who has more than enough cushion for the pushin'. Brandon beached himself in Maui for a while and gave paps these supersexy shots for Christmas. The double chin, the greasy mop, that hairy chest—mmm! Yum for the bloated tum!

Don't you just wanna rub his massive bod up and down with some suntan oil? Yeah, me neither, but millionaire men do it for some peeps, right?

And let's not forget Lindsay Lohan, who loves to show skin, takin' a dip at the Delano in Miami. Her curves are back, and not just up top.

Have to say this is a big improvement from Ms. L.'s scary-skinny days, and I'm glad she's lookin' healthier, if not happier—but one thing at a time, right, hon? 

• Blind Vice No. 1: One Heaping Blind Vice with a Man on the Side
• Blind Vice No. 2: One Gay-Acting Playacting Blind Vice