From Oprah and Lindsay Lohan's backstage (and, perhaps, backstabbing) antics to you stage-worthy readers yourselves, I swear, everybody's as mouthy this week as Tommy Cruise is chubby!

Lindsay Lohan

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

Got some more scoop from self-declared nonparty girl Lindsay Lohan and her little-gal-lost appearance on Oprah last week. And this stuff is far more fascinating than what you saw on your boob tubes, trust.

Remember how L.L. told In Style she wants to win an Oscar before she’s 30? And heaven knows how often we’ve heard how Linds is a "serious actress" these days. Well, this little exchange, which went down during a commercial break on glam-O.’s show, is quite telling.

Oprah Winfrey

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

See, sneaky-ass Oprah had a surprise up her sleeve for L2 and Bobby’s director, Emilio Estevez, who was also on set. Said surprise was Diane Hubner, an actual witness to RFK’s assassination, and the person who was the inspiration for Lohan’s character, Diane.

Seems La Lohan had never met Diane before she stepped foot on the Oprah stage. In an awkward greeting, Ms. L. shook her real-life character’s hand and said, a bit haltingly, "So nice to meet you."

Come on now! This supposedly veddy serious actress didn’t even take the time to meet the woman her part was based on before shooting?

Was that intentional, L.? Didn’t want to be distracted by the real beehived McCoy? It’s just so odd, as when the two of you met, you seemed stunned the gal was even alive, as if you had no idea. Or perhaps there just wasn’t time in L2’s superbusy soiree schedule for such a sit-down?

Ah, never mind. You were te-riff in the pic, Linds, do have to admit that.

Emilio Estevez

David Lodge/WireImage.com

Oh, gotta add: After L.L. and Emilio’s appearance was over, they took their seats in the audience. For another segment, a former anorexic and now plus-size model was being interviewed. Said babe proclaimed she’s happy to be a size 12. The big O. then turned to Linds and yelled, "You’re not as thin as I thought you’d be!"

I’m told L.L. looked "mortified" by the outburst.

Yo, I’m sure Oprah was trying to say it's good not to be pin-thin, but should you really say that to someone who has struggled with weight issues in the past?

Uh, no. As in abso-friggin’-lutely never, Oprah—how would you like it if some pencil-resembling bitch said that to you?

In other words, folks who live in glass palaces in Montecito shouldn’t throw stones, sister-woman! Oh, speaking of which, I just can’t wait: Let’s take a peek at the myriad boulders you’re all throwing my way this week.

 

Nicole Kidman

Jim Spellman/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
If any of the "cavorting fagolas" do come out of their designer closets, will you then let us know who they are? Let's say Toothy Tile decides to swing in the New Year by announcing he's gay. Would your next column pronounce said celeb as Toothy Tile, or will we be left forever guessing? Just wondering.
  Dodi
  Denver

Dear Det. Bold-Her:
Like an aging actress in H-town, I rarely reveal my tricks. Nicole Kidman’s puss, anybody? But on occasion, I take pity, and you can bet your taut bippy I’ll fess Tooth’s identity when he does.

Kevin Federline, Britney Spears

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Last December I proposed a new nickname for Kevin Federline, but you insisted on calling him K-Fed. Now that Britney's finally come to her senses and filed for divorce, how about switching permanently to "Fed-Ex," my original suggestion?
  Naomi
  Houston

Dear Moniker Maven:
Oh, doll…such a shame, the whole Biz is labeling the Ex-Mr.Spears "Fed-Ex." Perhaps you should have gone to copyright the clevah pseudonym when you had the chance.

Dear Ted:
Love what you said about Brit and K-Fed! I'm not afraid to say I'm a Brit fan, and I was mortally disappointed when she got with that white-trash, limelight-stealing wannabe. And I'm with you on the TomKat marriage, too. Katie—sorry, Kate—can do sooo much better than that washed-up old-timer.
  Rachel
  Port Elizabeth, South Africa

Dear Age-Phobic:
Hon, we are all rejoicing in Brit-babe’s realization: K-Fed is a moocher! But lay off my man Tommy. Even though I agree they ain’t the greatest couple, I’ll take Cruise’s classy big-screen record over K.’s teenage angst and bad Batman-turn stuff any day.

Josh Lucas

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press.com

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile must be Josh Lucas.
  Charlene
  Columbia, North Carolina

Dear Char Star:
And you must be outta your gourd, girlfriend! Think, uh, slightly less gal-divining.

Dear Ted:
Need to comment on one of your mouthoffs: You are way off with the Midwest because I, too, enjoy Ellen. I don't know anyone who wouldn't watch something because the host was gay. 
  Donna
  Indianapolis

Dear Hollaback Gal:
Unfortunately, the rest of this cynical world is not like you. How I wish that weren’t so.

Lindsay Lohan

Jerzy Dabrowski/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
What is up with this mustard input box? I want to email you like normal. Anyway, tonight's La Lohan pic reminds me so much of Liz Taylor. It's like she reincarnated into a hot (air-ballooned) bod before even dying—including the poor boundaries and lovely eyes/smile!  
  J.D.V.

Dear Tom Cruise:
Since I suppose you’re the only one round old enough to know who Elizabeth Taylor is, gotta ask you if you’re just trying to throw off  the geriatric cops.

Barry Manilow

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Is Matinee Mooner Barry Manilow? The man has amazing talent, but I always wondered.
  Mary
  Allen, Michigan

Dear Copabananas:
Wondered about what, exactly, that he had a schnoz job? Regardless, ain’t Mr. M. So far off. Think leading man, my dear, but perhaps just as concerned with his coiffure.

Dear Ted:
You're gay and you vote—we get it! Could you please just stick to the T-town dirt? You try to get us to believe G. Bush is to blame, personally, for deaths in the war on terror. Maybe you should blame yourself and all the other gas-sucking, large-livin' celebrity wannabes of this fabulously free country we live in.
  Katie
  Dallas

Dear Malice in Dallas:
I knew there was a reason I left that city.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Matthew Perry

NBC/Art Streiber

Dear Ted:
I've got it! Toothy Tile has got to be Matthew Perry!
  Krystal
  Akron, Ohio

Dear Deluded:
You’re mistaken, hon. Toothy is sexier (mucho), younger (mucho mucho) and stars on the big, not small, screen.

Isaiah Washington

Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What's with all of the recent Grey's Anatomy drama? I understand what Isaiah Washington said was intolerant and regretful, but he said a single word in the heat of the moment. It's not like he went on a premeditated anti-gay rant toward T.R. I don't think he forced T.R. to come out at all, which tends to be the general consensus. It seems to me this is being a little blown out of proportion, or are we not getting the whole story?
  Michelle
  Peoria, Illinois

Dear Condoner:
That’s like saying Rosa Parks was a victim of only a slight case of racism. And, yes, nobody knows the whole story, which is how many other folks on that set fear Washington.

Neil Patrick Harris

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
You and your column are divine! Listen, I think Toothy Tile is Neil Patrick Harris. What does toi say about that? C'est vrai, n'est-ce pas?
  Kent
  Torrance, California

Dear Wrong Divination:
Think you can butter me up with French as bad as mine? Nice try! In any case, T2 ain’t N.P.H., far from it. Wrong genre, bod and, most importantly, hairdo.

Dear Ted:
The Website is a bit of a cluster you-know-what and I, too, had trouble finding the current Blind Vice (still can't get to it). But no amount of confusing us will ever dilute your wit and style.
  Cheryl
  Cape Cod (Chatham), Massachusetts

Dear Doll-Cup:
Kudos to you for sticking with us through this slightly extended facelift. I know there are quite a few kinks to smooth out, and we’re workin’ on them somethin’ fierce, promise.

Mel Gibson

AP Photo/Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department

Dear Ted:
You have said you’re a recovering alcoholic. How do you survive in the entertainment industry without drinking and drugs?
 
Carrie DeSantis
  Las Vegas

Dear Good Questioner:
I just conjure up Mel, baby, all there is to it.

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