Christina Tolisano, American Idol

Michael Becker/FOX

Holy hell.

American Idol has made its seventh season debut with a fierce and poignant message: There are quite a few fantastic freaks in these here United States.

Who knew?! Oh, right. Randy, Paula, Simon and Ryan.

Tonight, not only did we meet a girl who packed on enough face glitter to register from outer space, we met a chest-waxing Steve Carell wannabe in a Princess Leia getup, a stalker who’d like to put Paula Abdul in a bathtub and "caulk her" (ewww!) and, my favorite, a strangely charming Egyptian guy who appears to be the second coming of Borat—complete with proclamations that he is a "sexy face" and wants to "love a girl from the hair to the nipple."

Don't we all, my friend...don't we all.

Still, Idol's greatest premiere-night lesson came from Christina Tolisano, the oddly intriguing Princess Leia look-alike who suffered a meltdown upon rejection and, well, lost her head.

As she screamed about the lack of fairness and diversity in the competition, she whipped her coiled buns around with such fury she catapulted a clump of fake bun down to the floor—prompting her perfectly adorable grandfather to pick it up calmly, hand it back and console his girl.

So, what did we learn tonight, class?

No matter how bad things get and how horrible that evil Simon may be, what truly matters is our loved ones, who nurture us no matter how whack-ass crazy we may get.

Or rather, in the words of tonight's Tobias Funke/Fred Flinstone love child Milo: "Sex is weak, and love is strong." (Gramps before amps. Woo!)

Idol’s back with more wisdom Wednesday night...Until then, be safe out there. Keep your buns tight and your bobby pins secure.

P.S.: I’m sorta in love with the incredible shrinking Joey Catalano (how sweet was he?), not to mention sexy Milli Vanilli knockoff Chris Watson…but we’ll discuss that later, when my husband’s not looking.

For now, tell us who you liked...and who, well, not so much.

Idol's Best and Worst
So far the best is...
15,3%
46,4%
12,2%
26,1%
So far the worst is...
6,8%
7,9%
31,3%
54,0%

What did you think of Idol's season premiere? Overhyped or übergood? Comment below!

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