Angelina Jolie

Tony Barson/

Despite the massive amount of invasive press reports surrounding the impending childbirth of superstar Angelina Jolie, the U.N. Goodwill Ambassador steadfastly refuses to give birth to the one or possibly two children gestating in her womb. Even though the staff at the French hospital, where the mother of four is staying, has been endlessly harangued by members of the paparazzi and celebrity gossip scribes, the Academy Award-winning actress is determined to let the twin fetuses created by her and fellow Hollywood A-lister Brad Pitt remain unborn.

But it gets worse...

Outside the hospital, an unkempt throng of gluttonous photographers and disgraced journalists has set up a makeshift hobo-camp in anticipation of the birth. "This kind of dillydallying is just plain rude," said one bedraggled photog. "It's like she's never heard of induced labor."

Word from the actress' camp has been minimal. In an attempt to keep the halls of the hospital safe and clear from the most sordid members of the Fifth Estate, doctors have been obliged to give daily press conferences on the state of the 33-year-old's pregnancy. When Ms. Jolie's obstetrician announced the birth would most likely occur within the next two weeks, an angry protest erupted among the slovenly crowd, and the doctor had to be escorted out of the room by armed security personnel.

Feelings of displaced resentment are running high among the correspondent corps, with more than one malodorous member of the press blaming the globally recognized humanitarian's procrastination for a bevy of personal woes. One reporter (who wished to remain anonymous) complained, "Every day that she keeps us waiting here is another day that I can't be with my family. I mean, you know, if I had one that still spoke to me."

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