While buds to such crazy naughty folk as Paris Hilton and Roman Polanski weigh in on their friends' reportedly baddie behavior, you guys certainly get nutty with the mailbag, that's fer sure! Time to read 'em and make Ted weep...

Paris Hilton

Chris Polk/WireImage.com

Always refreshing to see that money and infamy can’t buy you everything. That’s what Paris Hilton had to learn the embarrassing way last week during a failed flirting attempt with soccer hottie Cristiano Ronaldo. Becks Jr., ‘course, was partying at exclusive club Villa when prowler Pee stepped over a sea of gawking gals to get side by side with the Portuguese stud. However, a clubgoer insisted C.R. was hardly interested in the encroaching femme fatale. He gave her the VIP brush-off (despite Pare putting her best breast forward), completely ignoring Miz H, as he continued drinking and hobbling around without giving her a second glance. Although Pare-poo’s publicist denied all of this, I’m gonna have to trust somethin’ truthful’s up here—at least partially. Paris was so not into Benji, that schlump of a shrimp she calls her b-f, last time I saw them. And trust, Paris lives to have her hons—both famous and not—crawl to her, not vice versa.

So ya see, this begging to be admired biz essentially confirms what I’ve been hearing from those firmly inside Camp H: Paris-darlin’ is approaching pretty desperate (dire?) straights. She’s not exactly thrilled at the thought of shacking up with B.J. for, like, evuh. She’s curious to know what else might still be lurking out there in myriad careening Bentleys (like her boy-meat episodes in the past, Greek heirs such as Stavros and Paris, for ince—some femmes never learn). Also, Paris is so damned bored right now, some even say she's been thinking of getting preggers! It's not that bad, is it, darlin'?

Perish the maternal thought.

Madonna, Christopher Ciccone

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I am suspicious that Madonna is behind her brother’s book. I think she wants the publicity. After all, she likes controversy. Thoughts?
  Cumming, Ga.

Dear Please Tell All:
I think Ms. M does a pretty good job of staying in the limelight without C’s help. I wouldn’t hold my breath for a family dinner anytime soon.

Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise

Kathy Hutchins/ZumaPress.com

Dear Ted:
Do you think Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman still love each other? Even though both have remarried and have babies, they still look mismatched with their current spouses. Tom and Nicole really had chemistry...Is it gone forever? Do you think Tom realizes he made a huge mistake but that it was too late to do anything about it?

Dear Mimi Rogers:
Meaning you’re ultimately the really huge mistake in T.C.’s life? Sorry, girls, hate to break it to ya, but none of you babes are the real deal for this dude. My opinion, nothing more.

Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMA Press, Dan Herrick-KPA/Dan Herrick/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
You said that Jen and Vin were a make-believe romance, so what's the deal on Jen and John? Real or reel?
  Mobile, Ala.

Dear Young and the Restless:
Legit in the sense that they’re both getting what they want out of it.

Mila Kunis

Mark Sullivan/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I used to think you had your gossip straight...Mila Kunis doesn't date Hayden C. She's openly dating Macaulay Culkin. You're getting her confused with Rachel Bilson.

Dear Dammit, Janet:
Brain fart, my dear. Duly noted and mucho sorry.

Rachael Ray

Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I've met Rachael Ray before, and she is not nice at all. Even made her publicist run around because she was too busy drinking to personally sign autographs at a private party.

Dear Ray Gunner:
How very Cathy Douglas of her.

Sarah Jessica Parker

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Fake à la Ferocity from One Privately Eased Blind Vice Sarah Jessica Parker?
  Aurora, Ill.

Dear ManoNo:
So far off, dollcup. Think far more men’s-mag popular.

Meryl Streep, Mamma Mia!

Peter Mountain/ Universal Studios

Dear Ted:
I like you, but your comment about Meryl Streep is annoying. Remember, she's breaking ground for older women, just like you did when you got married.
  Sydney, Australia

Dear Broken Sass:
What, I'm an old woman who got married? Bite me.

Dear Ted:
Enough of your lame Blind Vice articles. You never reveal who they are and only print who they are not. It's gotten really old. If you want to keep the interest of your readers, tell us who one is every once and a while. Give a dog a freakin’ bone!

Dear Rover:
Fart-Coif Cretin’s Andy Dick. Chew on that.

Dear Ted:
How can I get my daughter into acting?
  Conway, Mass.

Dear Stage Mom:
Ask Dina Lohan. Better yet, don’t

Jake Gyllenhaal

Theo Wargo/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Does what you're doing while taping Truth, Lies & Ted have anything to do with the story you're delivering at the time? Case in point: holding a big honkin' rolling pin and telling Jake Gyllenhaal "way to go, you dude shafter."
  Dickinson, Texas

Dear Coinky-dink:
How funny! No idea I was doing that!

Pierce Brosnan

Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
After Entertainment Tonight made me sick with two weeks of plugs for Mamma Mia!, I'm happy to hear you speak the truth. It looks dreadful. Streep's hair looks like an old throw (up) rug and Brosnan's "singing" almost made my ears bleed. Creamed corn, indeed!

Dear Old News:
Such a shame, too. They’re both capable of infinitely better.

Mario Lopez

Janet Van Ham/CMT

Dear Ted:
Please give Mario Lopez a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He deserves a star.
  Westlake village, Calif.

Dear Loopy:
Right after Heidi Montag's ceremony.

Rafael Nadal

AP Photo/Anja Niedringhaus

Dear Ted:
Absolutely adore you for highlighting a fantastic sports figure in your Do-Me-Meter (Rafael Nadal)—it's a fresh change from the typical celeb. And nothing against Rafa, but I have to point out that not only is Roger [Federer] "über-adorable" in his tennis whites, the champ cleans up real nice. He's a handsome, genuinely kind star on and off the court.
  Sydney, Australia

Dear Ballin’ Out of Control:
I find both boys presh, but there’s something about those Latin stallions. Paris agrees with me!

Kate Bosworth

Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Fake à la Ferocity Kate Bosworth? She used to have a ripped bod (think Blue Crush) but then got all skinny while dating Orlando. Or maybe Charlize Theron?
  Lake Tahoe, Calif.

Dear Guess à la Ferocity:
Wrong on both accounts. Think less blatantly blond.

Dear Ted:
Do your travels take you to Chicago? You have a lot of fans in Boys Town.

Dear Midwest Swing:
Thanks mucho, babe, but don’t get out to your fab city too often. I hear Vince Vaughn does, though, maybe you all should look him up next time he visits!

Ethan Hawke

Jeffrey Geller/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Just saw a pic of Ethan Hawke and his new missus and prompted me to wonder: Were Ethan's self-confidence issues the cause for his split from his beautiful, talented and successful first wife Uma?
  Helsinki, Finland

Dear Hawke Watch:
Maybe. I’d say a wandering third eye would be more accurate.

Will Smith, Tom Cruise

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
I'm dying to know: Besides Scientology, what do Will and Tom have in common?
  Raleigh, N.C.

Dear BFFY:
Obedient wives and heterosexuality.

Dear Ted:
Loved the video, Truth, Lies & Ted, but I insist you do the report with your shirt off (and possibly in Speedos). I guarantee that will increase viewership.
  New York City

Dear Peep Show:
Thanks hon. But I’d prefer to retain, not repel, my viewers.

Tom Cruise

Lalo Yasky/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What's your "ax to grind" with Tom Cruise? It's just the same old same old stuff. Just curious.
  Hamilton, Ohio

Dear Cruise Protector:
That’s like asking what’s the media’s bitch with Brit? Silly, silly question.

Val Kilmer

Albert L. Ortega/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Easy one! Pickled Fickle from One Rent-a-Wreck Blind Vice is Val Kilmer!
  Madrid, Spain

Dear Blind Sight:
Negative. More actor-of-the-moment.

Jonah Hill

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Is it true there are some really ghastly initiation rituals that go on around Hollywood? Things the higher-ups make you do in order to get a deal? Oh, and is Porta-Potbelly Jonah Hill?
  L-town, La.

Dear Inquisitor:
Right crowd on your guess, girlfriend, just the wrong dude.

Miley Cyrus

Gregg DeGuire/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I just heard that Miley Cyrus might be preggo! Oh, and my friend and I are starting a Web show and were wondering if we could use some of your gossip if it's OK.
  Reedy, W.V.

Dear Hannah Jr.:
M.C.’s not pulling a Jamie Lynn anytime soon, but the wild child will be released shortly, trust. As to the goss, can’t believed you ask (nobody else does), but sure, just give me credit, babes, and break a nosey leg!


Nathan Strange/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Love your reporting on the Madonna sitch—keep the pressure on that babe. I'm not buying this "affair of the heart" BS. Burning Question: Has Fake à la Ferocity ever won an Academy Award?

Dear Gold Digger:
Merci to the first, and as to the second: F2 certainly has an accolades-rich (at the highest levels) rep in T-town, if that’s what you mean.

Matt LeBlanc

Vera Anderson/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Is Pickled Fickle from One Rent-a-Wreck Blind Vice Matt LeBlanc? I still have a copy of the TWT magazine (This Week in Texas, surely you remember that!) from 20 years ago somewhere, and one of the rent boy ads on the back of that particular issue had a picture of someone who I would swear to be Matt LeBlanc. I only saved the magazine because a friend of mine was the cover man.

Dear Stuck in the Friend Zone:
Nope. Oh, and the lengths you go to for your amigos! What sacrifice.

Christine Baranski

Peter Mountain/ Universal Studios

Dear Ted:
I cracked up at the "finger diddled" dream you had about Christine Baranksi in Mamma Mia! My two cents is that you have taken on a different psychological role in your life since your marriage and your mind is playing dirty rotten tricks on you.
  Plano, Texas

Dear Crystal Balled:
Is that what I have to look forward to with married life—warped nightmares about inappropriate sex the rest of my days? Jeez. No wonder divorce rates are sky-high.

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