The Groom, the Bride and the Ugly

Ted ain't the only one joining the married-couple's club, with everybody in H'wood vying for their own version of marital bliss. Are Drew and Justin going to be the next cute couple to say I do? Here's hoping those two have more common sense—and class—when planning their wedding day than the rest of the celebs we skewer in today's A.T. Watch the rice and garter belts fly!

Seems like all the celebrities in T-town are breaking up into pairs and walking down the aisle together, like a wacky wedding version of Noah’s ark. But not one of these twosomes seems to make a lick of sense...a platinum-selling pop star and a former teen actor 11 years her junior? A tattooed, androgynous rocker proposing to a Simpson sister? A sexy, sophisticated starlet shacking up with that dude who played Van Wilder? Did the world spin two random wheels of pop-culture figures and no matter whom it landed on, that pair put out a press release saying they’re now Mr. and Mrs.?  

And even harder to understand than these curious couples are some of the choices celebs make when celebrating their nuptials. As Alanis would say: It’s like rain on your wedding day...if the rain were composed of tiny droplets of tackiness.

Britney Spears:  We’ll bypass the predictable pick of B-babe’s Cirque du So-lame Vegas wedding to Jason Alexander. (I still think she shoulda gotten hitched to Seinfeld’s Jason Alexander—I doubt he’s the type to sell all their sex secrets to In Touch.) And let’s put aside the fact that proposing to and marrying Kevin Federline brought up whether or not she's smarter than a fifth grader. B.S. and K-Fed’s intimate ceremony was actually beautiful, and since Sean Preston was still just a glimmer in his mommy’s glossy blue contact lens, there was nary a shotgun at this wedding. But then they ruined whatever elegance they'd had by donning tracksuits with pimps and maids across the shoulders to their reception at a nightclub, serving chicken fingers and sliders to their guests. What, Starbucks doesn’t cater?

Pamela Anderson:  Pammy Pie played the part of magician Hans Klok's assistant at Sin City’s Planet Hollywood hotel and casino. Guess the gal couldn’t ask for any time off, since she got married in between magic shows. P.A. became Mrs. Rick Salomon in the time it takes other people to grab a sandwich and have a smoke. Is there a picture next to classy in the dictionary? Because a photo of this (now-annulled) couple should be there.

Star Jones:  Britters and Pam-Pam’s weddings were on the low-budget side, but nothing was cheaper than Star Jones and Al Reynolds’ freebie fete celebrating their then love. S.J. got practically everything, from the invitations to the bridesmaid’s gowns, comped by companies wanting their products mentioned on The View. Nothing says romance quite like business bargaining. I’m surprised Star-hon and Al’s separation isn’t sponsored by Payless ShoeSource.  

Sadly, all the stars so far on this list are no longer living happily ever after with the men they married in these terribly tacky ceremonies. Hopefully that smacks some sense into any soon-to-be brides and grooms out there thinking they can half-ass their big day. But even twosomes who are still together—there are some out there, if ya can believe it—aren’t scott-free from some wedding-day scandal, as seen from the seriously stupid dresses these decided to don while tying the knot...

Sarah Jessica Parker:  We love Carrie, er, Sarah J. We even love her hubby, Matthew Broderick, and gal’s sometimes kooky sense of style. But when you get hitched in a black wedding dress, even Sex & the City costume captain Patricia Field can’t agree. Park-babe, we assume you didn’t wait to bed your beau until your honeymoon, but in favor of white you go noir? What a morbid way to kick off a marriage. But hell, maybe she knows something we don’t, 'cause Sar-Jess and Matty are still bangin’ in their New Yawk brownstone.

Avril Lavigne:  Young'uns Av and her Sum 41 rocker hubby Deryck Whibley kept it traditional and tasteful for their nuptials in '06; A.L. wearing a gorgeous Vera Wang dress while walking down the aisle. So why’s she on this list? 'Cause we so know that ain’t Av-babe. The world was robbed of a goss-rag photo spread of Av-La in a hot-pink wedding gown bedazzled with skull patches, declaring “I f--king do!” while making devil horns on top of her head. Now that’s a day you’ll remember forever.

Am I missing any what-were-they-thinking weddings or groan-inducing getups? Leave a comment and lemme know, so I don’t make the same mistakes when I get hitched to my childhood crush, Indiana Jones. No, not Harrison Ford—Indiana Jones, circa 1981. A girl can dream, can’t she?

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, hiking Hell-Ay’s Runyon Canyon. Drew-hon looked more sweaty than stylish in a blue ringer tee and drawstring pants, but even a workout can’t undo the adorability of this woman. Her always-there b-f (seriously, have you two been neglecting your friends since you started dating?) wore a white T-shirt and track pants. The low-key lovebirds held hands throughout their Saturday-afternoon hike, making every runner gag at their PDA parade. Get a room, or your own hiking trail—we know you could afford it. Getting some fresh air on the other coast was...

Willem Dafoe engaging in the American pastime at Yankees stadium, catching a Yanks vs. Tigers game. W.D. was with his wife, Giada Colagrande, and both were escorted into the VIP section by security—didn’t know sporting events could be so swank. Neither Mr. or Mrs. D donned any clothing with a team name, tho we’re thinking the Midwest-born Will was root, root, rooting not for the home team, but for the Detroit players. Hey, at least every New Yawker at the match was able to take pride in not being the strangest looking guy in the place for once.

Got a burning Q you desperately need put out and can't wait for Casablanca to come back? Don't stop, drop and roll, email Becky and she'll do her best to answer all your angry letters and quippy comments.