Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

As if you readers mouthing back isn't enough to put everybody in a not-nice mood, we've got potentially nasty sitches to consider from inside camps Madonna, Tom Cruise, Brit-Brit and more! Are you brave enough?

Now that Tom Cruise’s Hitler pic, Valkyrie, has been sentenced to the 2009 spring slaughterhouse, it’s pretty much a given it's got as much of a chance of becoming a hit as Katie has of being released from her contract. ‘Course, other scary-butt classics like Silence of the Lambs were put out in the same perilous period, so who the ef knows—just doesn’t look good. Andrew Morton’s ho-hum Tommy tome should have been released after all this Valkyrie drama...maybe it would have had something interesting to say instead of L. Ron Hubbard folklore? What we’re wondering is, besides where A.M. is hiding nowadays to evade the Scientology supersleuths, what's the next best unauthorized, rip-‘em-to-inked-shreds story yet to be told and what’s taking so damn long? Here’s our list of memoirs we bet would sell more copies than Deathly Hallows—were they to ever be penned:

• Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon:  Madonna Dearest

•  Bryan Spears:  My Life as Practically the Only Spears Without Addiction Problems Who Didn’t Become a Horrible Mother

• Ashlee Simpson:  Ashlee Tells All (Except About Her Nose Job, Her Dad, Jessica or Jessica’s Boobs)

•  Keith Urban Jr.:  Everything My Mother Couldn’t Tell You About Tom Cruise

• Reese Witherspoon:  Perpetual Accoutrement to the Studs

• Nicolas Cage:  Kathleen Turner Was a Bitch to Work With, Too

• Gayle King:  The Other Side of Oprah

That’s one helluva summer-reading list—we’d def throw aside our copies of Life & Style to find out if Kathy T stole any labradoodles while filming Peggy Sue, fer sure.

Dear Ted:
According to Page Six., Whitney Houston is banging Ray J, who made a sex tape with Kim Kardashian. Is it media attention or desperation, the reason for this union? Please, dear God, tell me a Houston sex tape isn't being planned. There isn't even a morbid curiosity for this one.  Mary
  Allen, Mich.

Dear I’m Every Woe:
A nookie tape would barely be as disturbing an inside look at Whit-babe as Being Bobby Brown was.

Dear Ted:
What is with Diddy's obsession with "seeing all black models" in his runway show? If a white designer said he or she wanted "all white" models, that would be a huge controversy. He acted like a complete diva on his premiere last night on MTV. I cannot believe that MTV is supporting this kind of unprofessional behavior. He should be designing for all people no matter what their race.
  Elizabeth
  Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Affirmative Acting:
Diddy’s demands are akin to why we have Black History Month—'cause every damn month is all about Caucasian history in this country. Same with runway shows. Only thing less seen in the fashion scene than some cultural diversity is anyone over a size 4. Wake up, Ms. Georgia Peach.

Dear Ted:
I’m not a proponent of the Skinny Bitch Diet, but I wanted to point out that it does not endorse drinking soda—in fact, it refers to it as "liquid Satan." So I don't think Diet Coke and cigarettes can be referred to as the Skinny Bitch Diet. Maybe that's the High School Cheerleader Diet?
  Erica
  New York City

Dear South Be-yotch Diet:
Oh, haute heavens, there’s seriously a Skinny Bitch Diet? We thought we were making that one up when we saw Brittany Murphy sucking soda and her man instead of calories. I’m gonna weep for the future into my cayenne-pepper-and-maple-syrup smoothie.

Dear Ted:
Just wondering if Butch Spit-Spat might be Steven Seagal, the world's worst actor? He had a son who's a little older than 15 with his bruised and battered ex, Kelly LeBrock. Keep on spreading' the nasty.
  Tim
  Dallas

Dear Bruise Patrol:
Nice try, but Butch is hardly as good-looking as Mr. Segal, which should tell you heaps, as S2 is one ugly ass schmuck.

Dear Ted:
I have been reading on blogs that Jennifer A. and Keanu R. are secret sex buddies. Is there any truth to it? It's being repeated a lot...said to be coming from friends of his sister. Also I wanted to tell you I saw a picture of Harrison Ford recently and I totally thought it was you until I read it. You guys look just alike in the picture.
  Rachel
  New Albany, Miss.

Dear Age-Adorer:
Thanks, sweetums, H.F.’s only a couple o’ decades old than I, but whatev. And let me assure you, J ‘n’ K ain’t doin’ the deed. Calista Flockhart would sooner be boning me. Ditto Jen and Keanu. As if.

Dear Ted:
Seriously, Archuleta is not going away. How does a 17-year-old American just so happen to connect to a Robbie Williams song, a performer virtually unknown here in the states? Gross pandering to Cowell. And how did Cowell have no idea about Iz's version of "Over the Rainbow?" Are the judges really that clueless and unconnected to anything outside of schmaltzy, gag-inducing pop? And if Syesha shouldn't sing songs that Whitney and Fantasia sang, shouldn't the whole show fold since they all sing songs done by other people?
  Moodswing, Redux
  Portland, Ore.

Dear Idolizing:
So many questions! First, you've never felt a connection to a song written by someone from another country? 'Cause clearly, only born-and-bred Brits can relate to Beatles tunes. And Syesha shouldn’t be doing a less stellar line reading, er, singing, of songs performed by better pop stars. And we don’t have the slightest inkling what in the ef’s on Simon’s iPod—tho we bet it has a ton of Il Divo and Teletubbies, both acts produced by the mean music man.

Dear Ted:
Isn't it time for the Jen Aniston pity party to stop? Brad wanted to have babies with her; she wanted to finish Friends. He told everyone how much he wanted kids soon; she was too busy starting her film career. Now we should all feel sorry for her because she can't find someone to have kids with? She already had her chance and said no!
  Dana
  Chicago

Dear Breeder Rant:
The only pity we feel for Jenny nowadays is the constant assumption that the gal’s still upset after the Brad breakup. Can’t any goss rag give the gal a break from her Jolie voodoo doll?

Dear Ted:
Is it my imagination, or is Keanu Reeves aging much better than most gents in T-town? Wonder what his secret is? He gets better looking with age but often looks as though he's been in some kind of time capsule.
  Catsy
  Providence, R.I.

Dear Keen for Keanu:
Seeing the stud up close, we’re right there with ya. K as an actual adult is 10 times more excellent than he was in his surfer-dude days.

Dear Ted:
Thank you for writing that piece on the Tiffany's employees. They have always been bitchy to me when I'm either perusing or purchasing. In my opinion, the only thing they have to be snobbish about is the fact that they probably get a discount while we have to pay full price. Whatever gets them through the day I guess.
  Lisa
  Philadelphia

Dear Skipping Breakfast at Tiffany’s:
I doubt any snobby salesperson can afford the bling they’re selling, even on a holier-than-thou jewelry store discount.

Dear Ted:
I'm fairly certain Margarita Screwed-'Em-All from One Bisexual Bejeweled Blind Vice is Elizabeth Taylor. That woman must have loved the institution of marriage, if not always the man. Or maybe she was too cheap to buy the jewelry herself. Fey Oiled-Tush is a tougher nut to crack. Could he be Kevin Costner?
  Elizabeth
  Fairport, N.Y.

Dear Ms. Taylor:
How interesting, your guessing yourself! And you’re absolutely...hugely warm! Kev-babe couldn’t be further from the dude-on-dude money, though. Think less, uh, unshaven.

Dear Ted:
While I agree that many teen boys of eras past do not grow up to be successful in the cutthroat entertainment industry, I am a little offended by your inclusion of Anthony Michael Hall in that group. He has grown up to be a fine-looking adult man. He has also worked steadily. Did you never see his series Dead Zone? Considering that his accomplishments include a battle against bipolar disorder, a little respect would be nice.
  Susan
  Dayton, Ohio

Dear Mrs. Hall:
Your son is very special, we get it. Tell him to get a new agent tho, 'cause we still haven’t seen his face on anything big in the last decade.

Dear Ted:
Could Mr. Fey-Oiled Tush from One Bejeweled Blind Vice be Albert Brooks, who wrote and starred in the movie Muse with Sharon Stone? There was a scene in it similar to that "not good enough" bauble tribute to the lady who probably is Dame Elizabeth. Fess up...are we warm?
  Barb
  Brookfield, Ohio

Dear Babbling Brooks:
Not on Albert, that’s fer sure. Way the ef off, in fact. Think more chiseled, less naturally funny.

Dear Ted:
I hear George Clooney and Sarah Larson are secretly engaged and are planning to get married in Italy this summer. Even though you've said repeatedly it ain't gonna happen, maybe you're wrong this time.
  Debra
  Tulsa, Okla.

Dear Maybe Yes, Maybe No:
I hope the two do get hitched, just so we have another opportunity to see Cloon-babe in a tux. But it will not happen, regardless.

Dear Ted:
Browhilda Frown-Free from One Backfire-for-Hire Blind Vice is that mannequin Sarah Larson, the woman George Clooney is "dating,” right?
  Nancy
  McKinney, Texas

Dear Quote Snarks:
“No.” Far more famous. Far.

Dear Ted:
I think Snarla Sledgehammer from One Whipping Oy Blind Vice is Sarah Silverman...love the way you tied in her Jewish heritage and initials!
  Jess
  Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Looks Shrewish:
Snarla ain’t that shrill ‘n’ cruel, I assure you. Think more discretely lethal.

Dear Ted:
As for Snarla Sledgehammer, Joan Rivers anyone?
  Jeanne
  Canton, Ohio

Dear Rivers of No Return:
Babe, Joan’s nice to moi, always has been.

Dear Ted:
I had no idea you were an Alanis fan! I simply cannot wait for [her album's release] June 10. I just wanted to say thanks for mentioning her in your column.
  Lee
  New Haven, Conn.

Dear Jagged Little Fan:
Are you kidding? She’s a bitch-genius god.

Dear Ted:
You are always looking for someone to replace Toothy. Well it ain't gonna happen. Toothy is the one we love and the one who makes our hearts beat fast. Get it up, dude.
  Tom
  Mt. Laurel, N.J.

Dear Confused:
No thanks, but Tooth might be interested in your “get it up” invite, as long as you’re making the request in the dark corner of a West Hollywood parking lot.

Dear Ted:
I couldn't agree with you more about Tom Cruise. When I saw him in Magnolia, I was stunned. The man can act!  Why hasn't he done more films that show his range as a serious actor? Is it all about formulaic action films or romance comedies targeting big box-office returns? It may have worked for him before, but not lately.
  Genn
  Boston

Dear You’re Forgetting:
...Born on the Fourth of July, Interview with the Vampire, Collateral—the great actor's been there the whole time. The best projects come few and far between, while the franchises never go away, even if we all want 'em to.

Dear Ted:
What is the real reason Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman called it quits?
  Debra
  Los Angeles

Dear Church of Poison Mind:
Essentially? They worship very different idols.

Dear Ted:
What's up with LiLo and SamRo being seen together everywhere over the last few weeks? Maybe you aren't allowed to say, just hint at, but do you think they're a couple?
  Allie
  Seattle, Wash.

Dear Here’s a Hint:
I don’t think they’re a couple. At the very least, wouldn't that infer monogamy, a word Lindsay has never attempted (or spelled) without failing?