Who’s the mystery companion for Jake Gyllenhaal’s lunch in Hollywood? Should Reese be concerned? Well, we sure know you Awful Truth terribles are up in e-arms for Tuesday’s mailbag—per usual—over the silliest things. Like, it’s Tinseltown, folks. Things are supposed to be outta whack here, get used to it!
Before we set our bloodthirsty sights on the oh-so-prickly mailbag (seriously, folks, grow a pair, wouldja—every time we open our piehole, ya scream bloody murder), we've got some mushy-esque sightings. It's almost like spotting these stars in public yourself, minus the constant smell of superiority hanging in the air.
Dirt, Courteney Cox

FX

Courteney Cox, at the El Rey in Hell-Ay (doncha love a good rhyme, oh, never mind) digging headliner Sheryl Crow's crooning. Court-babe donned a simple white blouse and jeans, her still simply gorge face fresh except for some mascara. Has this woman ever looked unfab? Even back in the early Monica Geller days she was still quite doable. C.C. posed for a pic with a woman in a wheelchair before the show, the doll. Ya know she’s approaching you 'cause of your Friends fame and not 'cause she delights over your ho-hum FX show Dirt, right? Either way, C2 was far from alone, since wherever she goes, follows her hubby...

David Arquette

Alexandra Wyan/WireImage.com

David Arquette, natch, chatting up all the gals waiting in line for the women’s restroom. We’re sure he kept it nice 'n’ polite, since these two are still being seen together (wish we could say the same for Madge and her Guy). Dave-babe wore blue pants and a blazer with a white shirt—not exactly priss and proper, but a helluva lot mellower than the crazy colors this silly hunk usually throws on. Studlier, by far, we’re embarrassed to reveal was...

Brody Jenner

Mark Sullivan/WireImage.com

Brody Jenner, and 15 of his bestest buds (including some model types, can’t leave home without 'em), wining and dining at Social Miami at the Sagamore Hotel. Man-ho B.J. and crew just came back from ogling the hills of some luscious ladies at a Victoria’s Secret rally event nearby. Brodes was feisty and flirty all night, enjoying some time spent away from Hell-Ay. The quite populated party ended up at Privé to dance till dawn. Same old, same old for this nightlife-lovin’ lad. Somebody tell the guy he can’t act like it's spring break if he’s not still in college. Dressing the near-preppy part was...

Jake Gyllenhaal

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Jake Gyllenhaal, lapping up some lunch with a studio head on the Fox lot. J.G. spent the sunny day in a long-sleeve white thermal and black pants—can't report he was strutting around butt-nekkid in the sunshine, sorry. Jakey Blue Eyes finally shaved his babyface of that in-mourning scruff—hope the babe's feelin' better, we don't want those pearly whites to be hidden forever. J.G. also was slightly limping. I suspect it's all that cavorting around cafés with Reese that's taking a toll on this typically tight-lipped, low-key lad. He trotted off in a Toyota Camry, proof that this unobnoxious stud likes to keep his presence truly private and out of People spreads. Wonder what changed his clandestine ways...maybe love? Hardly.

Owen Wilson

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I could not comprehend anything in your Owen Wilson article. So many cross-references, nicknames and slang. Way bad, dude!
  Maria
  Alexandria, Va.

Dear Maria's Unexcellent Adventure:
Owen way (to quote you, M) overreacted in Miami and made a photographer erase a pic of him, but certainly nothing Nicole Kidman-sitch-esque. Slightly better? Oh, who the ef cares.

Dear Ted:
About your comments on David Hernandez...What is tea-bagging? I work with terminally hip teenagers (am a high school teacher), but I have never heard that expression. So? Thanks for the enlightenment.
  Vicky
  Walnut Creek, Calif.

Dear Lot to Learn:
I'm guessing you're not a health teacher, right? I'd tell ya to ask one of your students, but that might lead to you getting fired for inappropriate conduct. Check out Wikipedia.

Paris Hilton

Josephine Santos, PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
The CDC has revealed that 25 percent of teenage girls have STDs. Just wondering if anyone in the media feels the slightest bit responsible for glamorizing the Paris Hilton culture (fame for effing and nothing else) that spawned the debauchery of The O.C. and the demise of the Spearses?
  Anne
  Sea Bright, N.J.

Dear Sex Sells:
I don't feel responsible for Paris having sex. If I had my way, that girl would close up shop for good.

Drew Barrymore, Justin Long

Todd Williamson/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Could Vicky Vamp Void and Humpy Harlow from One New Nose About It Blind Vice be Drew Barrymore and Justin Long?
  Dani
  Dearborn, Mich.

Dear Drew 'n' Long Is Wrong:
Drew used to be a wild child, but she's def grown up and has been making better choices—and we ain't just talkin' dumping Tom Green for an actually funny dude. Try someone more polarizing and not as naturally pretty as Barry-babe.

Jennifer Aniston

Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I usually just disregard all your digs at Jennifer Aniston, as I know you don't like her because she won't talk to the press (you). But to say that for her to work is just her last attempt to prove she's moved on is ridiculous. So she shouldn't work now, in case someone thinks she hasn't moved on?
  Julia
  Williamsburg, Va.

Dear Aniston Amigo:
First, J.A. kisses my cheek, bitch. Second, poor girl's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't, huh? Bet you she'd be most upset if we stopped talkin' about her altogether. No press is utter death to a celeb.

Dear Ted:
Um, not to be a whiner, but the whole "Run" epileptic conversation was just plain awful. I am usually not at all sensitive to the issue, though I do have seizures (well controlled, not one in 10 years), but come on! Would you be making fun of someone who had breast cancer or a brain aneurysm?
  Sarah
  Seattle 

Dear Running Away:
You're right, I wouldn't. I don't know any brain-aneurysm knock-knock jokes. Got any?

Simon Cowell

Ash Knotek/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
What's with the American Idol column? Not everyone cares what's going on there—don't dedicate half (or ¾) of your post to that. Are they paying you?
  Jeri
  Seattle

Dear American Outcast:
Did you know one dollar of American Idol money is worth like five bucks in U.S. currency? It's made of gold! I wish I could get my mitts on that moola. But I write about Idol 'cause it's full of scandal, and just about everyone (including us, minus you) is watching. Shall I return to waxing poetic on Britney ad nauseam?

Dear Ted:
Last Monday you wrote you would reveal the One Wasted Waist Blind Vice about Death Mint-Myrtle that week. Then Tuesday, you told us you would reveal next week. I hope you are not back on the bottle!
  Peg
  Philadelphia

Teri Hatcher

Marianna Day Massey/ZUMApress.com

Dear Eats, Not Drinks, More Than I:
Sorry about that, babe! Been hitting the gym and not eating enough afterward (which, of course, is what you're supposed to do, doncha know?), musta made me dizzier than usual. By the by, it's Teri Hatcher, duh. You were expecting Longoria Parker? Hardly! That gal knows how to eat up everything in sight, men included.

Dear Ted:
Vicky Vamp Void from One New Nose About It Blind Vice has got to be Posh (aka Victoria) Spice and her bestest friend, Katie Homes. Make my (pathetic) day! P.S.: Go Hillary.
  Laurie
  Atlanta

Dear Pish-Posh Spice:
If Miz Beckham got her schnoz done, it would prolly look a whole lot better than her au naturel Miss Piggy nose. This Vicky she ain't. Think of a younger gal with an even chummier companion.

Britney Spears

Fame Pictures

Dear Ted:
I can't stand it anymore. Can't the E! lawyers do something to put an end to Britney's conservatorship? I'm so bored! P.S.: Who would win in a cage match—you or Joel McHale? My money's on you.
  Scott
  Winterville, N.C.

Dear Adnan:
Don't worry, this is just the shopping calm before the clubbing storm—she'll be back out to debauch in no time. And as long as we're playing poker, McHale's got nothing on me.

Dear Ted:
Is Vicky Vamp Void Ashley Tisdale? I hope not. It's such a shame. Young girls have no one to look up to these days.
  Tina
  Austin, Texas

Dear Ask in Austin:
Tweens can still hold their heads up high to Ash-babe, 'cause as far as we know, her new nose is clean from septum to nostril.

Dear Ted:
In regard to Becky Bain's trainer comment, I seriously thought the trainers in Hell-Ay would be professional! Had no idea almost every one in that town is just as messed up as the celebrities.
  R
  Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Dear Trainin' Pain:
B.B. thought the same. Good thing she's a writer first and a gym bunny second.

Patrick Swayze

AJ Soklaner/NYPP/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
You're going to receive a ton of mail about Patrick Swayze, and I hope most of it is positive, because you've said it all. Most of us had enough of this type of intrusion when we saw diagrams of a former president's colon on the front page of our newspaper. Exploiting a sick man for profit is much worse.
  Karen
  Nashville

Dear Inside Job:
How else are we supposed to know our nation's leader is full of merde?

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to let you know I am totally addicted to your Blind Vice! I also thought maybe Mario Lopez is Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled from One Showered 'n' Deflowered Blind Vice. I mean, his acting isn't Academy Award-worthy, and I have to say I always thought he may like the boys more than the girls. Please tell me I'm right.
  Mandie
  Chicago

Dear Midwest Missy:
Why, so you'll feel less tortured not having him, darling? Sorry, ain't the right dimpled dude—as far as this Vice goes. Think less famous. Slightly. Tad less built, too.

Nicole Kidman

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I don't see what the big problem is regarding Nicole Kidman and drinking a glass of wine. Having two kids, I know it's perfectly OK that while you're pregnant to have a glass of wine. I'm pretty sure that any ob-gyn would agree.
  Rose
  New York City

Dear Wine 'n' Crime,
But a celebrity drinking a glass of wine in public while pregged up? A doctor might say it's OK, but a publicist would never allow it.

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