What's Simon Cowell hiding, already? Forget Paula—can't this latest sure-to-be-a-blockbuster season of Idol bring Simon outta the tight-teed background as the real one to watch? Plus, readers have no fear baring their mishigas, fer sure!
Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson

Alexandra Wyman/WireImage.com

I hope you stocked up on your bottled water and nonperishables, 'cause the entire country’s about to lock themselves in for the long nuclear winter that is the American Idol atom bomb. This just happens to be the big day where we’re treated to the return of Simon’s tighty-tees, Randy’s limited vocabulary and Paula’s...well, we never really do know what will fly out of Paula’s orifices. Besides vomit, obvs.
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama

Brian Ach/WireImage.com, Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com

Producers say this is the best crop of fresh talent yet, which reeks of the same BS you hear from every rock band at every one of their gigs: “You’re the best audience we’ve ever had, St. Louis!” It’s the Idol keepers’ jobs  to pump up the new season, and they’re workin’ overtime. But why bother promoting this behemoth at all? With the writers' strike weeding out any competition, Idol’s a lock to become even more popular than ever, perish the pissy thought. Zombies will rise from the dead and teenage girls will be cloned by the thousands, giving the show even more supremacy over all our lives. Forget Obama and Clinton, it’s all about Abdul in ‘08. Or Cowell, maybe? Isn’t it about time, Simon-babe, we got into your private-life shenanigans? They’re ultimately so much more interesting than Paula’s, anyway.
Britney Spears

Gamma/Eyedea/ZUMA Press

And say what you will about the grating-cheese content of the show, but nothing tickles our fancy more than horrifying singers and first-class divas belting and warbling with all their hearts. But if season seven is gonna pop out lukewarm like Simon’s latest comments about Brit-Brit ('cause who doesn’t have an opinion on Spearsykins), then count us out. Now.
Remember? S.C. cooed oh so delicately on all the delish Britmania, proclaiming, “If I sat down with Britney, I would, number one, remind her of all the good things in her life.” There’s more, but we’ll barf if we run it. We like our Simon rude, painfully frank and dishin’ out the dissin’! Who does he think he is, Dr. Phil? Also in the mood to puke all over the pages of the Awful Truth would be the following:
Dr. Phil

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Dear Ted:
Dr. Phil is not a Texan. He was born in Vinita, Oklahoma, and his wife was born in Duncan, Oklahoma. They met in Oklahoma and married in Oklahoma. They are Okies. Okay?
  Ellen
  Oklahoma City
Dear Ado Annie:
Well, I declare! I thought Texans were the proudest of them all. A little innocent search into the doc’s past (although a lot of that ain’t so innocent) reveals he was born in Oklahoma, like you so firmly insist. But Philly-boy was raised in good ol' Texas and stayed there till the knock-knock-knock of daytime television fame came and swept him up west to Hell-Ay. Do born-and-bred Okies live in Beverly Hills mansions? Let’s call it a draw.
Mischa Barton

Jim Spellman/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I wrote you that my kids called Mischa Barton "the drunk girl." Well, those little tweeners have come up with a new name, "Swisha Bourbon." Even little teenyboppers love a good train wreck!
  Margot
  El Paso, Texas
Dear Moniker Mom:
Most teenyboppers in Hollywood are a good train wreck.
Jamie Lynn Spears, Casey Aldridge

Todd Williamson/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I looked up Louisiana's statutory rape law, and Jamie Lynn's boyfriend Casey Aldridge is old enough to be prosecuted for it. According to the law, any person 19 or older that has sex with someone between the ages of 12 and 17 (Jamie Lynn is 16), whether it is consensual or not, can be sentenced from six months to 10 years in jail if found guilty. Do you think they are not pressuring them because they are celebrities?
  Megan
  Cleveland, Ohio
Dear Megan's Law:
Of course! Those are one of the major perks of being a celeb. What also helps: Casey’s actually only 18 years old. So, he can join the army and vote in the '08 election, but Britney has a better shot of being locked up before Casey is, trust.
Dear Ted:
Enough with harassing celebrities to admit to pregnancies. Not only is it none of your business, but if a woman has [previously] experienced a miscarriage, she's got every right to keep her mouth shut until she is past the danger zone. So back off, little man who cannot be pregnant, and let celebrities share the news when they want to. This is too important an issue to be dictated by pissy little gossip columnists.
  JR
  Glenview, Illinois
Dear Junior:
If it wasn’t harsh enough a fact that I can’t experience the miracle of birth (C-section at Cedars-Sinai, natch), you call me little! Pissy is a given, but diminutive I certainly am not. Anyway, reporting on every supposed baby bump in the biz is my job—and part of a celeb’s job is to deal with the attention they oh so crave.
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

Chris Polk/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
You've insisted many times in prior columns that Angelina and Brad are not in the happiest partnership, with Angelina retaining the emotional "upper hand." Yet photos from the recent Critics' Choice Awards and from Brad's Make It Right campaign in New Orleans seem to show a very happy, cozy couple. Your thoughts?
  Stef
  Pittsburgh

Dear Pittsburgh Peeker:
You know how much movie makeup has to be pampered on Ang so you don’t notice her tons of tattoos in her flicks? The girl’s a pro at covering up what she doesn’t want you to see. (Ditto on Brad with those newsboy caps—c’mon, man’s 44, those lovely locks can’t last forever!)
Jennifer Aniston

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Will the strike ever end? Will Toothy Tile ever come out of the closet? Will Aniston ever get pregnant? Will Hillary be your next president? Answer these most important questions, please.
  Vicky
  Paris

Bonjour, Madame Demanding:
Slow down, ma chère! I’m a gossip connoisseur, not a psychic. But I can make some guesstimations for you: Yes, no, yes, no. Not necessarily in that order. Bon chance!

Britney Spears

INFphoto.com

Dear Ted:
As someone who has been in recovery for a very long time, my heart is breaking and praying that Britney will finally get a moment of clarity in her life. What do you think?
  Glenda
  Tempe, Arizona

Dear Brokenhearted:
You need a rock bottom for a moment of clarity, and Britney’s shown us she’s a bottomless hole of desperation, sorry. Girl soaks up the sorrows like a sponge! A meteor would have to fall on her head for the self-destructive cycle to stop. 

Princess Diana

Jerzy Dabrowski/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
The press stalked Princess Diana and finally killed her. It seems they are hell-bent on doing the same to Britney Spears. They want her dead in order to have "the big story." And they will not take credit for her murder. Do you agree?
  Oliver
  New York City

Dear Permanent Press:
No. Pretty hypocritical, doncha think, to place blame on paps who chase these celebs when it’s your interest in goss that drags them out there to begin with? Are you willing to take some of the credit for their untimely demises, as well?

Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem

Brian Ach/WireImage.com, Anita Bugge/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
The first couple that comes to mind for the recent One Fagola-Addled Blind Vice is Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem. They have just never made sense to me.
  Judi
  Klamath Falls, Oregon

Dear Suspicious Señorita:
This lovely Latin couple just may be for keeps! I wonder if they notice how sexy their similar accents are to each other? Ain’t them. Think more this side of the pond.

Tony Romo, Jessica Simpson

Mike Kline/ZUMA KPA, George Pimentel/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Please tell me that Sally Sedate Me from One Fagola-Addled Blind Vice is none other than Jessica Simpson! Her last man was a complete douche, her movie career is straight to DVD, and her new man, Tony Romo, is totally the hotness...and would probably be blackballed if he came out in the NFL! So, come on, I'm right, right?
  Chris
  Orlando, Florida

Dear Romo No-No:
You’re correct about the NFL being closed minded about what goes on behind closed doors, and that the length of time since J.S.’ last hit is longer than her extensions. But keep guessin’ about this twosome, 'cause it ain’t Jess and Tony. Think, uh, more talented. Both sides. 

Carrie Underwood

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Sally Sedate Me from One Fagola-Addled Blind Vice Carrie Underwood? I don't know, but Chace Crawford seems to be so much like her New Guy.
  Kamila
  Natal, Brazil
Dear Not a Chance Crawford:
Thou shalt not worship false Idols (in this Blind item, anyway!).
Paris Hilton

Phil Han/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Do you think [today's] young troubled starlets were further pushed down their wayward paths due to associating with Paris Hilton? I'm not saying she's to blame completely for their behavior—I'm sure most of them were train wrecks waiting to happen. But it seems their problems became magnified after spending time with that waste of space and money (money that could go to more deserving, starving people).
  Sara
  Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Dear Nicky Hilton:
Jealous, much?
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