All the Wrong Moves

What the hell is Lance Armstrong doing with Ashley Olsen, anyway? Can we ask that? Well, actually we did—to some of Lance-babe’s own fam members! See what they said; plus, find out what creepiness Marilyn Manson and Tom Cruise have in common! (More than you think, dears...)

We swear, this column is becoming a damn clearinghouse for questionable ‘n’ queer activities ‘round T-town and elsewhere. It’s like we’re the hounds of basketville or something. See, we’re less about being the prepackaged purveyors of coupledom (i.e., People and its press-sanctioned ilk) and more about what’s really throwing famous folks' crotches into overdrive—or not. For ince, what the ef is up with Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen, already?

How ‘bout we go straight to the Tour de France winner’s own fam for an explanation on that little Ashton Kutcher-Demi Moore-style twosome (only in reverse), sound good?

“He misses the spotlight now that he’s not competing,” remarked Desk Armstrong, when we contacted them, begging for any elucidation—of any kind—on that age-askew hookup. (Lance is almost 40; 21-year-old Ashley just looks like she is.)  “His charitable contributions and inspirational speaking go mostly unnoticed.”

Shouldn’t have dumped Sheryl Crow, then, should ya have, Lance-doll? By the by, it was Desk Armstrong we have to thank for helping us break that nasty news (remember, Lance just didn’t want to commit, wonder why?), so you really shouldn't pooh-pooh what Desk A reports, just a suggestion.

Further reasons for Matthew McConaughey and Jake Gyllenhaal’s BFF to suddenly go all weirdo-girl in the romance department:

“He doesn’t handle loneliness well, so he overcompensates and makes poor decisions sometimes,” added our Armstrong en famille infiltrators, before delivering our personal fave cupid quirk: “[Lance] was used to a certain public lifestyle with Sheryl.” And it’s a pap-infested lifestyle, natch, that L now sorely misses—as if anyone with an eye for half-nudie pantin’ pics of Lance and Matty M jogging, breathless, heaving and near-orgasmically moist, hadn’t noticed.

Oh, we wonder if Ash-hon likes the beach? Prolly not. Doesn’t she prefer dark, skanky clubs, Starbucks and urban hangouts that have limo drivers going through hell to squeeze their getaway wheels into? Only ask because Lance-love—so we’re told by our stellar Armstrong sleuths—is building a compound in the Bahamas. Hmmm. Does Mr. A have some dollars to shelter, or is he trying to become the next Anna Nicole of beachier luxurious living?

And as long as we’re burping on about strange booty calls, Marilyn Manson and his underage honey, Evan Rachel Wood, hit Vegas recently. Not very smart planning on their part, as Evan’s only 20 years old, and Sin City is so notoriously strict on carding, unlike Hell-Ay.

Apparently, the shock rocker has taken to turning up at parties for the free booze, say those who get belched on right next to Rose McGowan’s ex. (Who was the winner in that split? Hard to say, isn’t it?) M2’s drink of choice is Kübler Absinthe, according to in-the-know types.

Marilyn hit the Playboy Club at the Palms for some gratis alcohol but had trouble getting his honey into the 21-and-over joint, quelle surprise. Fairly sober looky-loo ID witnesses report Evan had to go hang in the hotel room solo while M2  “got wasted” without poor (or lucky, take your pick) Ms. W.

Uh, can we please ask what, exactly, does the talented ERW see in this overly blushed boy? ‘Cause we’re pretty certain it isn't his looks that are keeping her under his strange spell. Rose, wanna weigh in here? Or are you still not speaking to us?

But the weirdest combo so far—by far—has to be Tom Cruise and TRL host Damien Fahey. Did you watch? T.C. was on recently to plug Lions for Lambs, a flick rife with so many old farts (Meryl Streep, Robert Redford, etc.) it makes Tommy-love look downright embryonic. However, next to dimple-dewy Damien, Tom appeared to be in as much pain as we were in watching him.

Best part was the strained looks on the teeny kiddies in the background trying to figure out who the heck Tom Cruise was, precisely. I mean, isn’t he that dude who’s Katie Holmes' father-in-law or something?

Actually, it was all a good thing in the end. Never before have we been so anxious to see Mr. C go back to his own kind (if not his own generational kind). ‘Cause clearly, Katie’s from the same PR-desperate planet as Tom, right? They make a better couple than at first we thought.

Luke Wilson, havin’ a beer with his bro at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica. No, not Owen, who reportedly hit the same spot for drinks with Jessica Simpson last week. Luke, in a checkered shirt, was hangin’ instead with Andrew, who looked like “a mountain man with his huge beard,” reported our hirsute-eyeing source. Both Wilson boys stuck to sipping Amstel Lights and it seemed like they were having a gab-galore good time. Getting her drink on a diff city was...

Eve, at the annual Imperia Erotica Halloween Ball held at Scores West, In-Why-See. The gal, who had to sport a SCRAM earlier this year for a DUI, pulled a Paris and dressed as a sex-ay corrections officer. Diddy was also at the party, with his protégé Cassie in tow. The R&B babe was dressed as a police officer and looked like she was considering giving Mario Winans a special citation later. The two hons were seen dancing and posing for pics together as Diddy chaperoned. Spotted solo back west was...

Rex Lee, hoofing it through WeHo. The diminutive Entourage actor was seen walking briskly on Santa Monica Boulevard Sunday morning by himself. Rex was seen right by homo haunt Hamburger Mary’s, perhaps meeting someone for brunch? According to prissier passersby, R.L. was cazh, in a tee and shorts and looked “slightly paunchier in person” than he does on the boob tube. With hardly an ounce on her lithe frame was...

Alana Stewart, catching Richard Hochberg’s musical review with wholesome, totally effable boys, called Town Without Pity, at the Lyric. Alana wore the most divine gold and black slippers, and Rod’s ex left Town humming sweetly, don’t know if was the great tunes or the gunning' guys she’d just seen. Firmly muscled, always, was...

Martina Navratilova, at the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce dinner in DeeCee. After being honored with the Extra Mile Award from American Airlines, the tennis ace cracked, “Now, how about some of those mileage tickets?” Martina, in a black pantsuit, only posed for a pic with one fan, because she thinks “flashes are annoying.”  Paris Hilton, she ain’t.