How'd Lindsay Lohan spend her weekend in Utah before heading back to Hell-Ay? One place she's supposed to have popped up at might surprise you...and color us shocked by the sudden news that Rose McGowan and Robert Rodriguez are engaged! We've been talking about that one for ages; plus, what's on our readers' snap-snap minds?
Lindsay Lohan

Jeff Vespa/

While staying at the Sundance Resort in Park City last weekend, Lilo and her new snow bunny b-f were photographed taking trips to scintillating places such as Target, Best Buy and California Pizza Kitchen (humdrum-itis will kill this relationship long before the paparazzi, trust). However, don’t think Linds has gone all suburban soccer mom on us—yet. According to some Utah locals, Lindsay was spotted at a Park City club Friday night. And despite her two-month stint in rehab, our barwitness thought Linds looked less than refreshed. 

“She looked awful,” Desk Diss tells us. If she’s anything like us Awful-ites, was due to too much Diet Rock Star! Regardless, we hope L.L. manages to avoid the lure of the highly charged (with lotso crap) clubs now that she’s back in Hell-Ay. But somehow we doubt it. How long until she hits Hyde? Right after the Ivy, we presume.

Robert Garlock, Uma Thurman

Alan Davidson/

I last spoke with my old pal, celebrity publicist Robert Garlock, who died last month of non-Hodgkin lymphoma, regarding one of his lesser-known babes, Rose McGowan. Garlock was more often in the news wrangling his more glittery broads such as Uma Thurman, whose second pregnancy (with schmuck-to-be Ethan Hawke) I broke—no thanks to Garlock. But Robert and I had spoken a few times lately, because we were so busy doing this back-and-forth BS two-step reporters and journalists often moronically sweat over.
Rose McGowan, Robert Rodriguez

Roland Wagner/

I had crackerjack loose-lippers spilling to me that Rose was big-time befriending Robert Rodriguez on the set of Grindhouse, Rodriguez’s double-feature job with Quentin Tarantino. Reps for R.R. didn’t comment, but McGowan’s camp suddenly came down with a long-lasting case of “just-friends”-itis, which culminated with Garlock calling me months later, after I once more called up, this time over the news I broke that Rose was actually planning on marrying the director and father of five (with producer Elizabeth Avellan).
Garlock assured me nothing like that whatsoever was in the works. Maybe Rose was lying to him? Maybe not. Point being, I just think it’s a lousy way to sign off from this planet, making excuses for a star who doesn’t have the cojones to stand up and be honest about the ones she stole from another chick.
And don’t think for a sec the ball-bearing Rodriguez doesn’t have a responsibility here, too. He coulda stepped in at any time and helped Garlock spread the news of what was really going on between him and McGowan. After all, it’s just a love story—nothing, like, life or death about it, right?
Britney Spears

AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill

Dear Ted:
Why do you often call Brit-Brit Ms. Es? Am I missing something? By the way, loved you on Chelsea Lately!
  Small Town, New Jersey
Dear Sound It Out:
Last name is Spears; first initial is S, and we spell it how you say it, got it? Or is that not as obvious as the fact that Toothy Tile truly does wants to come out—he just wants somebody else to do the dirty work? And thanks for the Chelsea kudos!
Dear Ted:
Certainly don't approve of Brit's nonmaternal moves, but I was wondering if the back-to-back births might be giving her some over-the-top hormonal decision-making skills?
  Breckenridge, Colorado
Dear Apron Zings:
Well, now that you mention it, Marie Osmond does seem awfully loony. Mamacitas out there, please do fill us in—do too many kiddos too quickly make ya crackers?
Cate Blanchett

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Hmmm...Halle Berry's role in her new movie is too reminiscent of Monster’s Ball? Not sure I agree with that assessment. But Cate Blanchett reprising her role from Elizabeth is Oscar worthy? What's the difference? Oh yeah, simply by showing up, Blanchett should get her yearly Oscar nod...Boring! 
  Bellevue, Washington
Dear Forgetful:
Darling, we also predicted Cate to get big O props not only for her second portrayal of Elizabeth I, but also for her role as Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. The Australian beauty plays a rocker dude for gawd’s sake! Now that’s a friggin’ stretch.
Lindsay Lohan

Jamie McCarthy/

Dear Ted:
OMG, LiLo is so absolutely Neely O'Hara! I can't believe how dead-on that comparison is. That book must have been written 40-some years ago, but there's Neely in the flesh. You are good!
  Belmar, New Jersey
Dear Valley of the Dollface:
Hon, we’ve been saying Lindsay is a dead ringer for Neely since before the babe hit rehab for the first time. That’s a role Linds was born to play, fer sure. But she got confused and decided to live it, instead.
Bill Clinton

Dan Herrick/

Dear Ted:
The mainstream press, which no one can claim is anything but extremely leftist, did not break the Clinton scandal. I believe a good friend of Ms. Lewinsky's named Linda Tripp basically shoved it down their throats. Could you please stop shoving your political beliefs down ours? 
  Huntington Beach, California
Dear Beached Wail:
Oh quit your (petty and rather pointless) bitchin’ and go kiss Dubya’s bum—since Laura seems to have stopped.
Zach Braff
Dear Ted:
Love your sassy comments and how you keep us guessing on Toothy (I think I know who he is). However, let's talk Dewbie Stammer from One Closeted Blind Vice—Literally. Would it be Zach Braff?
  San Mateo, California
Dear Braff on the Brain:
Good guess, g-friend, but Zach’s not our guy. Both dudes do have that dorky-yet-doable vibe, though.
Ed Norton

Glenn Weiner/

Dear Ted:
Dewbie Stammer is Ed Norton. My g-f and I saw him a few years ago with about a dozen gays (no girls or straight guys at all) and everything started to make sense. And by the way, that story is awesome.
  Van Nuys, California
Dear Broken Gaydar:
Incorrect, my little gumshoe. Dewbie doesn’t get offered the choice movie roles that serious actor Eddie’s got for the taking.
Ben Affleck

Lisa O'Connor/

Dear Ted:
What is wrong with Ben Affleck? He was on Leno last night and looked awful. His head is tiny, and he looks like Matthew Perry did when he was addicted to whatever he was addicted to back in the day. Has anyone else noted his appearance as drawn and sickly? Also he was rambling on and on about some baseball player.
  Monette Sainte-Marie
  Southgate, Michigan
Dear Ben There, Done That:
Sorry, don’t agree. Ever since B.A. ditched his Bennifer/Bentley phase and became a rather good director (Gone Baby Gone), we’re rehooked. Just wish Jennifer’s other half would do something about his hair, already. Does anybody actually know if it’s real?
Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise

Dear Ted:
I just fail to see how K-Fed can be a better parent than Brit. He should be required to take random drug/alcohol testing, too. I also have a guess...are Tanya Tush-Tease and Bubba Hubba from One Pistol-Packin’ Blind Vice Tom and Katie?
Dear K-Fed Up:
Hey, we have the exact same ‘rent rant! And as for your Blind guess, it’s not TomKat, but the correct crass cretins do run in that same golf cart circle as the Cruises.
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Love your column. Would the pistol-packin' couple in the Blind Vice be Brad and Angelina? She is known for lovin' the ladies.  
  Melbourne, Australia
Dear Wrong Duo:
Nice try, but Brangelina ain’t our tacky twosome. Can you really see Angie loading up on swag?
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama

Brian Ach/, Paul Fenton/

Dear Ted:
Your Republican Desk D.C. person is right. As much as I want my party to get back the White House, we're going to nominate someone (Clinton or Obama) who cannot win a general election. I call it my Margaret Thatcher Rule: The first woman and the first black president will be an ultraconservative, hawkish Republican. It's completely illogical and based on ridiculous stereotypes, but since when do people choose a candidate logically?
Dear Hello:
Jimmy Carter, for starters.
Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony

Anita Bugge/

Dear Ted:
Is last week's Vice about Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony? Tanya Tush-Tease seems obvious, but maybe too obvious.
  Tallahassee, Florida 
Dear Desk Derriere:
Yeah, way. Think better-looking for him and more petite for her.
Kevin Federline
Dear Ted:
Though I agree with the rudeness of K-Fed smoking when he shouldn't, I was pretty pissed by your comment about nicotine-screening. Yes, smoking in front of your kids is stupid, bad for their health and a terrible example. But as a smoker who is always aware of not bothering other people, it maddens me that you are equating smoking with other drugs.
  San Francisco
Dear Crack Is Obviously Next:
For your information, (a) nicotine is proven to be more addictive than heroin, (b) nicotine can be found in quantities larger than Tyra’s ass in cigarettes, which often cause lung cancer, and (c) you are an idiot.
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