Lindsay Lohan might be takin’ it off, and would you randy Awful readers knock it off, already? Don’t you all ever get tired of your badass bitchin’? Plus, which podium-stumbling curvy hon is Ashlee Simpson dissing this time?
Lindsay Lohan

Dan Herrick/

Hollywood Life gave out sartorial snaps at its 4th Annual Style Awards Sunday night. Brett Ratner was there to present an award to Russell Simmons, but the helmsman wouldn't name names as to whom he's looking to star in the très essential Hugh Hefner biopic he's directing. B.R. did say he might consider working with his old pal Lindsay Lohan. "She's very talented...if she's sober," he considered, in response to our Q on whether or not the rehabbed hottie could hack it.  "She would be great as a Playboy Bunny."
Kim Kardashian

Jeff Frank/

Love! Perfect part for Linds, postrefresh sesh. And it wouldn't be that much of a stretch after her stripper turn in I Know Who Killed Me, right? Another gal with daunting pole abilities makin' the scene was Kim Kardashian, on hand to present an award to Pete Wentz. Kim hit the stage in a cropped top and tight skirt ensemble, her sizable assets all a-jiggle, and proceeded to incorrectly pronounce the name of Pete's clothing line, Clandestine Industries. "I'm sorry, did I say it right?" Kim asked after butchering the name.  

Pete Wentz, Ashlee Simpson

Paul Warner/

Ashlee Simpson, who was sitting in the audience with Pete and looking none too pleased that Kim was presenting to her man, could barely contain her laughter at Kim's onstage bumbling. The saucy Simpson sis loudly shouted out the correct pronunciation of her hon's clothing line to Kim before cracking (cackling?) up. The cutie couple left immediately after Pete got his award, prolly to further snicker about Kim behind her sumptuous backside. Hey, watch it there, Ms. Simpson, your clan ain't exactly bump-free.

For more mouthings 'n' mischief, read on:

Britney Spears

James Devaney/

Dear Ted:
Gotta agree with your observations about Britney ("No More Tears") Spears and her lack of concern in losing custody of her kids. Getting rid of her kids will cost Brit millions, think of all the money she could have saved if only she paid for a pack of Trojans?
  Orange, Australia

Dear Sarah Silverman:
Don’t you ever stop?

Eva Longoria

Patrick Fallon/

Dear Ted:
Just want to know if you would have been as peeved at Eva Longoria if she had blown off an awards presentation for any other disease than AIDS?

Dear Nice One:
In all honesty, prolly not as much—tends to hit home a bit more, and I do not apologize for this.


Brian Ach/

Dear Ted:
You and Cristina bashed Fergie about how she looked in Mexico City. FYI: She found out that day her grandma died. She was very upset, so I doubt her hair was something she was thinking about.
  Niagara Falls, New York

Dear Sympathizer:
For this one we do apologize. Sorry, Ms. Fergalicious!

Dear Ted:
It's your fault if I lose my job. You’re killing me!  For the second week in a row, you made me laugh out loud.
  Ms. P

Dear Chuckle-Kill:
Cristina and I will see what we can do for you, dear. How ‘bout some more Laura Bush dish? That’ll put frown lines on anybody.

Elizabeth Taylor

Rebecca Sapp/

Dear Ted:
So, Longoria missed the Liz Taylor thing. Don't get your girdles in a knot!
  Surrey, British Columbia, Canada

Dear Spare Tired:
You queens always have to go for the obvious, don’t you? (I’m not in girdled territory—yet.)

Angelina Jolie

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/

Dear Ted:
Speaking of your mother's inability to see anything but straight, Ted, I am inclined to believe Angelina Jolie. Now, let's rephrase the question to "How many people have you slept with?" That number might be much bigger than four.

Dear Coitus Cop:
Yeah, but at least it's smaller than, say, 5,000. So, don’t get your girdles in a wad, honey.

Sarah Silverman

Marianna Day Massey/

Dear Ted:
Bravado Boom-Cocks
, whoever the ef he is (I couldn't begin to guess) is one of your funnier pseudonyms for a celeb in a long while. Nice snark on Sarah Silverman, too.
  San Luis Obispo, California

Dear Blind Babe:
Thanks, sweets, shall we start calling Ms. Silverman Embryo Uh-Oh?

Andy Samberg

R J Capak/

Dear Ted:
OMG. If One Closeted Blind Vice is about Andy Samberg, it is the most transparent one ever. I thought the one about Jesse Metcalfe was easy, and it was differential calculus compared to this one. Good luck with the legal action, though of course truth is an absolute defense.

Dear Lawyers Won't Be Necessary:
Ain’t Andy, baby-poo, as we’re not always so obvious. Think diff age group...a bit (older).

Bill Clinton

Dan Herrick/

Dear Ted:
You are so right when you talk about the hypocrisy of the mainstream press. I was way outside the mainstream but still part of the "press" in D.C. in the 1980s, and everyone knew about Bush Sr. and his dalliances. I couldn't believe it when the Clinton scandal broke; at least a Democrat can get a blow job and do his job.
  Dullsville, Arizona

Dear Frank Femme:
Oh, I know. And those pansy Republicans have to go into bathroom stalls and looking for it. Be a man and do it in the Oval Office, already!

Dancing with the Stars: Leeza Gibbons

ABC/Carol Kaelson

Dear Ted:
Texas can't take the credit for every supersize, superstiff coiffure out there. Leeza Gibbons is from South Carolina.
  Kendra Paves 
  Charleston, South Carolina

Dear Split End:
Is this some sort of pseudonym for Ken Paves? Regardless, Miss Gee used to host boob-tube programs in Dallas, though, so eat my highlights.

George Bush


Dear Ted:
I grew up in Maine, and please let me set the record straight: Bush country it most definitely is not.
  Los Angeles

Dear Geo Tested:
It’s okay, darling, no worries. Texas seems to be the only idiot state that wants to lay claim to this doofus clan anyway.

Justin Timberlake

Axel/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Is Dewbie Stammer from One Closeted Blind Vice Justin Timberlake? Same day you made reference to him being stoned in love, followed by "trick in a box"? Say it's so!
  Ardmore, Pennsylvania

Dear Bring Sissy Back:
Why, because J.T.’s so gay with those schoolboy outfits, as it is? Sorry, ain’t Mr. T, as we said before, not always so transparent in our clues. Think far more TV, less heartthrob wannabe.

Whitney Houston

Michael Caulfield/

Dear Ted:
Honey, sugar, darling, it's time for you to do a little more research before reporting gossip on the troubled Whitney Houston. Every other gossip site is posting pictures of Houston in NYC after lunching with Clive Davis, looking together and healthy.
  San Francisco

Dear More Syrupy than Moi:
And that’s a lot. Look, girlfriend, Whit had mucho time between the airport (where we reported her hot-dog-chowing raggedy routine) and Manhattan to do a little limo-time makeover. Chill.

Jason Schwartzman

Frederic Injimbert/

Dear Ted:
Is Dewbie Stammer Jason Schwartzman?
  San Francisco

Dear Closer than Most:
No, but so right on everything else (except the actual dude-pleasuring dude’s identity). Think a tad less successful, diff medium.

Question Mark Silouette

Dear Ted:
Come on, don't you think it's 'bout time to give Toothy Tile’s b-f his own name, instead of always keeping him hidden in Toothy's shadow?
  Noblesville, Indiana

Dear Moniker Minded:
Fine. Let’s call the poor boy Gray Goose, ‘cause that’s what he’ll look like by the time G2’s closeted homo actor guy comes clean.

Isaiah Washington

Michael Caulfield/

Dear Ted:
I had to write after two major Texas insults in about two weeks. I have neither a big ass nor big hair, I'm not a “poop-head,” and I'm only a potty mouth at appropriate occasions. As a bonus, I despise George Bush. You spent much time railing against Isaiah Washington for his ridiculous insulting remarks about gays (justifiably so, I believe), yet you seem to find it perfectly okay to insult, stereotype and generalize about people from Texas.

Dear Whatever:
Did you catch today’s insult? That makes at least three!

Dear Ted:
Don't you think it is time to put the Toothy Tile saga behind us?
  Mt. Laurel, New Jersey

Dear Dumb-Butt:
No, and neither do you, so shut up, would ya?

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