Paris Hilton

Los Angeles County Sheriff?s Department

In case you’ve been hiding under a BlackBerry the size of Paris Hilton’s excuses pile, yes, today was to be the very moment our darling Pare-poo would have surrendered to the Hell-Ay powers that be to begin serving her sentence at Lynwood jail.
 'Course, Hilton hightailed it over to the slammer right after the MTV do, where P.H. appeared post-Teddy’s Saturday eve—which she knew would be her last night before jail. When one clubgoer asked how much longer till she'd be away, Ms. Pee dropped her head and sadly replied, “Two more sucks.” Oh, Pare-poo, at least you have good friends and fam to support you...but apparently former BFF Kimberly Stewart isn’t one of them. Hilton casually walked right by Kimberly’s Teddy’s table without any sort of acknowledgment. Says a snub-witness:  “They didn’t even look at each other the whole night.” Back to the sitch behind bars, where, no doubt, such close-call cattiness will come in handy.

And despite reports that Lynwood is the same place Michelle Rodriguez stayed—for less than a day due to overcrowding—Michelle said it ain’t so. Oh, and there’s some good and bad news for Paris regarding celeb life behind bars.

The not so hot scoop: She may not get sprung superearly due to overcrowding, like Mich was.

Michelle Rodriguez

Gregg DeGuire/

“I was at Twin Towers [Correctional Facility], honey!” M.R. informed me of her über-short slammer stint when I chatted with her at the BlackBerry Curve bash. “You know what, they opened [Lynwood] up because the majority of people with misdemeanors were getting locked up with real criminals. And the problem was the overcrowding in the jail. Not that I was lucky, but my case was just a statistical problem, and now they’ve solved that. They opened up a jail for misdemeanors, and that’s what you’re talking about.”

The semisweet scoop: Life at Lynwood with nonfelons is apparently a friggin’ cakewalk compared to Twin Towers. 

“Twin Towers is…yiiikes,” the notoriously tough gal explained, grimacing at the thought of Paris ever having to shed her hair extensions there. “It’s different...hard-core!”   

I dunno. I also suspected M.R.'s eyes were nevertheless getting excited a tad by such a girly-cum-grisly thought (like half the world seems to be experiencing these days). 

Equally hot 'n’ hard-core, as it were, are this week’s reader rants. Don’t you folks ever stop bitching? Wait, that’s sort of like saying I want to stop listening to your every whine and whipping—perish the thought!

Dear Ted:
I prolly have the best idea ever: Why don’t you join The View and rock those ladies’ worlds? 
Dear Sweet Charity:
I’ve done the View several times. Love them, but I think they want a girl even mouthier than me or Rosie.
George Clooney

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/

Dear Ted:
Do you seriously believe George Clooney thinks Brad is “hobbled with children” and a “horrible, ugly wife”? No way!
  Lexington, Kentucky

Dear Say It Ain't So:
Maybe not in those exact words, but Endblabs don’t lie, doll-cup.  

Mike Myers

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Please answer yes or no...or maybe. Is Toothy Tile the one and only Mike Myers? By the way, congratulations on your engagement. 

Dear Mojo Misfire:
No, and nice try, but our boy Tooth is actually quite doable. 

Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake

Kevin Weeks/, Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
About Britney Spears’ supposed tell-all book: Do you really think Mr. J.T. is responsible for her downfall? Does he really seem like the kind of person to call his girl fat and a cheat? I agree he's cocky, but he seems like the kinda guy who’ll stay faithful.

Dear Britney's Book Club:
Yeah, and Janet’s S&M blouse came undone all by itself. 

Kathy Hilton

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
So, because Kathy Hilton is your buddy, you put her parenting skills on a higher level than, say, Dina Lohan’s? Neither one cares that their progeny are addicted or promiscuous as long as their faces appear on People. Love you, Teddy, but you are dead wrong here.
  Alexandria, Virginia

Dear Mean Mama:
It’s all relative. Who says Mama Hilton can’t care about her babies’ faces gracing the covers of magazines and worry about them dying of alcohol poisoning or getting gang-gonzoed in jail?

Dear Ted:
Don't you get tired of hearing that the reason these stars get messed up is because of the "enormous pressure" they are under? Please, we are all under pressure! I run a trading business with 60 traders in the commodity pits in Chicago as well as raise five young boys.

Dear Superdad:
Excuse me, I don’t have time to answer your whiny letter. I have an even whinier puss who needs feeding after I clean his filthy litter box, not to mention that damn dingleberry stuck to his butt.  

Gerard Butler

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
In response to your latest Endblab on Gerard Butler, I trust your source is reliable. Just recently, Gerry remarked that getting the Taurus award can get him laid, and it makes me wonder: Is he trying too hard to portray that he's a player? Not that it matters much, but your reply would definitely brighten up our already sunny land!
  Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Dear Asian Persuasion:
Oh please, Gerry-poo’s not trying any harder than Clooney & Co., for ince. Not buying this one. 

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Come on, you are being too evasive about Brangelina. Are you afraid of their lawyers? Everything is a photo op or a sticky-sweet sound bite. No way can they be on that level. They are making me puke. Wait until all those kids grow up to be teens—will we hear a different story? Am I wrong? Tell me I am, and I will shut up.

Dear Brain-Farter:
Where have you been when I’ve screamed Angie’s going to dump Brad’s behind and make that boy bawl more than Gwyneth ever caused him to?

Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton

1592/Most Wanted/

Dear Ted:
I can't take this column anymore. It is not your fault that today's celebrities are no-talents and simply taking up space due to their parents' social standing. I am so sick of Paris and Nicole, I just refuse to read about them anymore. Top that off with having to decode everything said about them. I love ya, but I must take a hiatus.
  Norcross, Georgia

Dear Verbal Vamper:
You try reporting on these jokers for a decade and see what the hell it does to your vocabulary, Missy Southern Snit-Puss. Get back to me then, will ya? 

Niecy Nash

Mark Sullivan/

Dear Ted:
My guess for Brood-Zilla Clump-Butt from One Domestic Disturbance Blind Vice is Niecy Nash from the Style channel's Clean House.
  Santa Monica, California

Dear Beachy Babe:
Uh, like, totally off, hon. So sorry. But let’s see, you’re correct in the domestic department, I’ll say that much.

Raiders of the Lost Ark, Harrison Ford

Paramount Pictures

Dear Ted:
Damn you, you get hotter every time I see a new pic of you! Is it that virgin blood Harrison Ford claims he drinks that keeps you both looking yummy?

Dear Fountain of Tooth:
Oh, sweetie, thanks, but I’m not nearly as up front as Harry is regarding the bodily fluids that keep me flowin’.

Lindsay Lohan, Dina Lohan

Dan Herrick/

Dear Ted:
Don't Linds and Mama Lohan know anything about Hollywood history? Street drug and alcohol use at age 20 never, ever ends well.
  Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Doomin' Dame:
Hey, Drew Barrymore came out okay, so let’s hope the best for L. & Co., ‘kay?

Rachael Ray

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
Brood-Zilla Clump-Butt must be Rachael Ray! I can't possibly believe that spaz is anywhere near as nice as she acts. Plus, she is getting a bit rounder as of late, doncha think?
  Iowa City, Iowa

Dear Midwest Woeful:
Gosh, you calorie-counting chicks are harsh! Nope, ain’t Rachael, it’s Jo Frost, supersnot of prime time—off camera, ‘course.

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