Is some boy (who may or may not be otherwise attached, mind you) already being lined up for Jessica Simpson’s terribly public dating card, and why the hell are you Awful Truth-ites so damn disagreeable, per usual? Ah, click on and query away...
Carrie Underwood

Steve Granitz/

Carrie Underwood, if you’re reading this, you may want to shield your eyes. 'Cause you’re not gonna like the following scoop burning up my inbox. Remember how Jessica Simpson and John Mayer have been on the relationship rocks lately? I’m hearing certain high-up Simpson campers are trying to play matchmaker for the newly single Jess yet again...with none other than Tony Romo, QB for the Dallas Cowboys and supposed boy-toy to one C. Underwood.
Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo

Mike Kline/, George Pimentel/

Apparently, Camp Cupid not so subtly femme-floated thoughts on either Simpson babe, "but Tony's not interested in Ashlee at all,” says my superinside source. See, Tony 'n' Jess were linked a while back, but my salivation spy says this time they’re spending time together. As in, entire weekends.  

And, I'm told, round two is going down soon. “Tony invited her to Dallas, and she’s going,” swears my insider. “Of course, he doesn’t want Carrie to find out.” 

Too late.  

Tony Romo, if our report is indeed true and Carrie behaves anything like she sings in her hit song "Before He Cheats," you may want to watch your wheels, bro.

Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise

Dear Ted:
Rumors abound here in the Midwest. Seems Katie demanded an Ohio homestead and is getting it. Since Tom’s family has sucked the life out of newlywed bonding, Katie demanded the Ohio residence for some peace away from his relatives. She can be surrounded by her family, under her rules, and enjoy some quiet life, incognito, sans his mother and sister. Damn time! 
  Allen, Michigan
Dear Hot Toledo:
Thanks for the hometown scoop, doll. Let me know if Mrs. Cruise decides to decorate in pure gold, or somethin’ rich like that. God knows the girl's earned it.
Dear Ted:
Hypocrite much? “I call men bitches, too”—that’s your response? You have my complete support against the use of the F-word, but would it be less offensive it I used it on a hetero?  I can’t believe you can’t at least acknowledge that calling a woman a bitch is offensive. 
  Louisville, Kentucky
Dear Potty-Mouth Panties-in-a-Twist:
Consider it acknowledged...but context is crucial, my dear.   
Dear Ted:
Congrats on the engagement!  Weighing in on your moniker, the romantic in me likes Casawell. Casa = Home + Well = Healthy. So, here’s wishing you wellness and happiness in your home together.
  North Kingstown, Rhode Island
Dear Lovin' Linguist:
Thanks for the warm wishes, hon. That’s def the sweetest one yet. Not sure it fits, though. I’m much more a man about town than a desperate housewife in the making. 
Angelina Jolie

Frederic Injimbert/

Dear Ted:
Check out those new Angelina pics from Cannes. Can you say "eat a sandwich"?
  Austin, Texas
Dear BLT-Babe:
It’s true that she has been lookin’ par-tick thin lately, but it was a tough year for Angie. Plus, that punim of hers is, like, totally distracting me from all that skin 'n’ bone—girl's growin’ into herself. 
Adrian Grenier

Rodrigo Varela/

Dear Ted:
I love your column; it always makes a boring day better. My guess for Toothy Tile is Adrian Grenier. Has anyone ever guessed correctly on a Blind Vice and have you ever revealed it in a column? Also, congrats to you and your better half.
  Springfield, Oregon

Dear Blind Beggar:
Sorry, sunshine, T.T. ain’t A.G. Luckily, you nasty naughties aren’t so good at the guessin’. I drop a name less than Brangelina adopts a kid but more than they have hot sex.  
Candy Spelling

Jesse Grant/

Dear Ted:
Why is Candy Spelling continuing to write open Internet letters to celebrities? Is it true her 300 pussycats are turning her into an old cougar like Halle Berry?
  Media, Pennsylvania
Dear Feisty Kitty:
Now that she and Tor have made up, she’s prolly just lookin’ for someone else to hate on. 
Heidi Montag

John Shearer/

Dear Ted:
Is One Inflated Blind Vice Heidi Montag of The Hills?
  Panama City, Florida 
Dear Misread:
Prime-time, big-network gig The Hills is not. Sorry, hon, Heidi ain’t our gal.   
Stedman Graham

Laura Farr/

Dear Ted:
I am here to tell you that Stedman does fly commercial. He was on my flight once. First class, natch. My aunt wanted to get a pic with him, but the guy he was with said (while Stedman was in the bathroom) not to bother him 'cause he's not a celebrity and doesn't like to be treated like one. Seemed like a real down-to-earth guy.
  Pikesville, Maryland
Dear Fly Gal:
That’s almost endearing, isn’t it?  
Derek Jeter

Marc Bryan-Brown/

Dear Ted:
I want your opinion. Is there a problem with Derek Jeter and the hot young girls he goes after? Vanessa Minnillo dumped him for Nick Lachey. A week after their romantic trip to Puerto Rico, Jessica Biel was sighted with Justin Timberlake. Is Mr. Perfect not satisfying in the bedroom? Is he really bi and using them as beards?
Dear Quit Yankin' Me:
Whether he plays for the other team I do not know. D.J. doesn’t do a thang fer me. I’d ditch him for Nicklicious or J.T. any day.   
Leonardo DiCaprio

P. Lapoirie/Maxppp/

Dear Ted:
Leo is so gay, right?
  Los Angeles
Dear Gisele:
Sorry things didn’t work out, G., but Tommy B. is a nice runner-up.   
Rachael Ray

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
Please, babe, tell me Board-Like Boring is Rachael Ray. I cannot stand that woman's fake happiness and eye-rolling that she does when something is "amazing." We have enough fakers on TV (e.g., Miss Fierce Ego Tyra) that we don't need to keep them going!
  Tomah, Wisconsin
Dear Repulsive Recipe:
Couldn’t agree more. She makes Martha look good. Personally, I need a little R&R after watchin’ any of her 1,000 shows.   
Paris Hilton

Dear Ted:
The writing for these blurbs suck. The sentences have no flow to them. Are you just a bunch of monkeys typing on a keyboard? Oh, and Paris Hilton didn't get a long enough sentence. What is going to happen the next time, when she kills someone? Oh, that’s right, her PR guy is to blame. Hollywood sucks!
  San Antonio
Dear Bitter B.:
Feel free not to read our sucky little column and become a celebrity prosecutor. Also, feel free to get a life.   
Orlando Bloom

Tony Barson/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Do you think there’s something wrong with Orlando Bloom? Lately, whenever he appears on TV or at an event, his eyes are bloodshot, with bags under them; he just seems like a train wreck! I think he needs to find his way to a clinic for some rehab. 
  San Juan, Puerto Rico
Dear Detective D.:
Tired? Yes. And a little pale in the face. Maybe from all that pirate promoting...maybe from crying himself to sleep on the phone with Penny. But he was perfectly pulled together on Leno the other night, so I wouldn’t call Promises just yet. I think our main concern should be the mullet-esque hair he’s got goin’ on.       
Claudia Schiffer

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Thanks for your Claudia Schiffer Endblab. Thought your response was hilarious yet right on the money. 
  Olathe, Kansas
Dear Bored to Tears:
Thanks for sharing the sentiment, V-doll. Claudia has bats in her blabs, that’s for certain. 
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