Justin Timberlake

Axel/ZUMA Press

After the holidays, we’ve got unfestive Justin Timberlake and sourpuss Scarlett Johansson to help bring you vicarious types back down to hardly ho-ho-ho reality, are ya ready to get bitchy with it? Which means we’ve also got that cranky mail bag hissin’ up...
Carmen Electra

Eric Neitzel/WireImage.com

Dying to know how newly snitty Justin Timberlake's getting, or, maybe less so, how Brit and K-Fed rang in the New Year? Separately, 'course, but both bustin'-out baddies had veddy interesting evenings.

We'll get to them in a sec, but let's talk Hell-Ay shindigs first. 

Caught up with Carmen Electra at the Gridlock New Year's Eve bash here in the City of Fallen Relationships, where it was, indeed, entirely gridlocked. As Carm-doll and her entourage (which included Andy Dick of all peeps—what, was Brandon Davis unavailable?) were herded inside, I asked who her midnight makeout partner would be.

"Um...I don't know," she said. "Maybe my hairdresser?"

Speaking of coiffure kissy stuff (not), must say it looked to moi like Carm gave her mane man the night off, as her tresses were rather limp and lifeless. Uh-oh, is that the new 2007 look, so not from heaven?

The smoochin' query was the perf segue into what I was really itchin' to know: What's up with her 'n' Joan Jett?

'Cause, ya know, there's been some recent reports of the two gals getting mucho friendly after Carmen played Joan's lesbian love interest in a recent music vid.

"She's awesome, and I've been a fan since I was little girl," continued Dave Navarro's ex, downplaying the bisexual beat. "I've been excited because I've gotten to see her play shows, and it's fun!"

Hmmm...stay tuned to that sultry (possible) sitch, fer sure.

"Oh, we're friends," she demurred. "We worked together...and we've been friends ever since."

Friends with benefits, perchance?

Kevin Federline, Guest

Sara Jaye Weiss/Eastside

Elsewhere on the potential pucker-up patrol, I'm hearing K-Fed swapped spit with a hot blonde at midnight. The scene of the crime? Mansion in Miami, where Wilmer Valderrama was hosting said bash, with guests including the Duff sisters, Mandy Moore and Lindsay Lohan.

The mystery girl—who K.F. was, I hear from grossed-out Eff-Hell-Ay heathens, holdin' hands with—is actually possibly classy looking, astonishingly so. Hmmm. Did Federline suddenly get some brains?

Even Kevin cleaned up semidecent for the night, clad in an all-white suit.

Brit-Brit, back in Vegas, was hosting a party at Pure. With her entourage of twenty-freakin'-seven peeps, the Britster sipped bubbly and vodka sodas before counting down for the crowded club.

But things went downhill from there...Reports are rolling in that she fainted in the middle of the club and had to be carried out. Bien sûr, she says it was simply a little catnap, meow—yeah, right—meow.

Scarlett Johansson


Guess who Justin Timberlake's babely blond love interest in his new music video, "What Goes Around...Comes Around," happens to be? Give up?

Fine. She's none other than buxom byoot Scarlett Johansson. The two tabloid terribles are currently shooting sultry scenes for the video here in Hell-Ay. (Gosh, bet Cameron Diaz is just thrilled with that sitch, huh?)

And while J.T. seems like such the down-to-earth dude to this spacey queen, sad to say I'm hearing reports by onset sources of not-too-cool behavior from Mr. T. Say it isn't so! What, are Justin's years from hangin' with Princess Spears coming back to haunt him?

Dunno. Read on:

Instead of the standard confidentiality agreement, most folks on set had to sign letters addressed to "Mr. Timberlake" promising not to reveal anything going down during said shoot.

What, did Justin think that if they promised him personally, and quite properly, all these worker bees would keep their traps shut, or somethin'? Nice try.

Evidently, Mr. Timberlake also doesn't like any plebeians to make eye contact with him. "When they were setting up for the shot," reveals a superinside source, "Scarlett's stand-in accidentally caught [Justin's] eye."

Justin Timberlake

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Horrors! What the hell happened?

"He moved his chair out of her line of sight after that," continued Desk "Comes Around."

And seems Scar's also pullin' the diva card. The chain-smoking chica was most unhappy that she couldn't light up on set, which was an old downtown Hell-Ay theater, by the by.

"How come we have fire dancers, but I can't smoke?" she whined, after the demanding director put the kibosh on her puff-puff request.

Also an alleged no-go: eating in front of S.J.

Hungry crew members stepped outside to grab some grub, where Scar just happened to be hanging.

"She had her bodyguard come over and tell them they couldn't eat around her," said my spy.

What the eff? Is she worried she might absorb calories by osmosis or somethin'? Gimme a break already, babes.

But I guess that's like asking you folks to calm down in the letters department, like that's ever gonna happen.

Here's what the mailbox is smellin' of, as of late:
Tom Cruise

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
What is going on with Tom Cruise? His hair—did he have plugs put in? A facelift? Pray tell! Or is he trying to look like an 18-year-old Beatle wannabe? And his weight gain. What's with that? Scientology vitamins not working? I thought he bragged about working out all the time, but he has man-boobs, a potbelly and a double chin. What has happened to him?

Dear Dubious Deborah:
The über-old (44, that is) T.C. is obviously eatin' away his sorrows of the '06 Paramount drop, couch-jumpin' overdose and realizing his wedding pub stunt is now ovah. What can the pussed Scientologist do now except wallow in his own demise?

Anne Hathaway

Paul Fenton/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
What in the heck was so great about The Devil Wears Prada?! Maybe it's because I read the book (which was fantastic), but I thought the movie version was just awful. They took all the best parts from the book out of the movie! Heck, they made Andy totally self-absorbed and unsympathetic, and made her boss sympathetic and even likable! What's up with that? Completely different from the book.
  Ventura, California

Dear Designer No-no:
Take your critical fanny to the nearest overpriced rental drop-in and fling yourself down TDWP's catwalk once more.

Dear Ted:
Love your column...especially the cherry on top of the cake, your Blind Vices. I am guessing that Fernwood Could from One Most Surprising, Stockinged Blind Vice is Eddie Murphy...right or wrong?
  Jacksonville Beach, Florida

Dear Vintaged Mind:
He may have fallen victim, in 1997, to his own naugh-tay cross-dressin' run-ins, but he is not the prey we are feasting on.

George Clooney

Mark Sullivan/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney as a couple? I think they would be perfect—don't you?
  San Diego

Dear Mad Matchmaker:
Did Santa give you a crack pipe for Xmas?

Dear Ted:
My guess for Sassy Go-Forth and Fernwood Could: Annette Bening and Warren Beatty. Am I close?
  Chattanooga, Tennessee

Dear Rightfully Incorrect:
If only W.B. fancied women's wear...but, alas, think that's the only kankee thang he doesn't like. Think far less golden and certainly less good-looking.

Dear Ted:
I'm guessing the Dancing with the Stars celeb on the way out is Lisa Rinna. And since I don't watch the show, I hope I've spelled her name right.
  Orlando, Florida

Dear Two Left Guesses:
Yep, but it ain't L.R., who's such the doll, doncha think? The actual Dancing star on the chopping block is far less stoked, not to mention stacked.

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