From comeback recipes for our poor, disheveled Britney Spears to Nicole Richie and Tori Spelling questionable dish, g-friends, have we got a bouillabaisse of tasty femme fishiness for ya today!

Tori Spelling, Dean McDermott

Lester Cohen/

Darlings, did you all hit Tori Spelling's garage sale over the weekend? My b-f, a huge 90210 fan, actually tried, but the line was huge-ass, and, as my man said, "like, totally ghetto that anybody would put up with that." Apparently, plenty of folks did, and—surprise, surprise—T.S. just happened to have a camera crew on hand to record...

Meanwhile, 'cross town over in Holmby Hills, estranged mama Candy's significantly more posh ZIP code area, totally inside word has it that C.S.'s b-f is referring to Missus Spelling's moolah as "our money." Oh, dear, could Candy's next marriage be in the works? Will you send a wedding gift to your estranged mama, Tori, should such a union take place?
Nicole Richie

Glendale Police Department

So, I'm sure you've all heard about Nicole Richie's wrong-way drive down the freeway that got her a DUI and an unwanted photo op. And I know you're all wondering what exactly she was on to make her do such a thing, but I had a bigger question: What was she doing in Glendale, aka the dreaded Valley, late at night? There aren't many hot clubs out there, right?

This little incident on Friday night might shed some light on her location. Nic was spotted at Shag, canoodling and kissing none other than Joel Madden, who just split with Hilary Duff. (Didn't take him long to get over her, huh?)

Joel Madden

Nancy Kaszerman/

And anyhow, it just so happens that Joel lives in the Valley himself. Could Nic have been headin' back toward Hollywood from his house when she took that fateful spin on the 134?

…If so, bet she's regrettin' that booty call now!

Hollywood Life mag held its annual Breakthrough Awards Sunday night at the Music Box in Tinseltown, where talented peeps like Anne Hathaway, Jessica Biel, Channing Tatum and Jared Leto were honored.

The whole night was a tribute to The Devil Wears Prada, the deliciously wicked flick that Anne and Emily Blunt starred in along with Meryl Streep, with de-lish cocktails named after the gals' characters and gratis copies of the DVD and soundtrack for the guests. Too much fun!

Anne Hathaway

Paul Fenton/

And although Anne was getting the Star of the Year nod for her turn in said flick, I was curious to know which she considered her bigger breakthrough role: walking fashion faux pas Andy in Devil or rich girl Lureen married to a secretly gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain?

"I think that sorta depends on what your preferences are," said the lovely A.H., semi-answering the Q. "And if you like funny, heartwarming movies versus movies that rip your heart out. I prefer the latter."

So, squeaky-clean Anne has a dark side—love it! See, I knew there was more to this gal than the kiddie stuff she did in Ella Enchanted and The Princess Diaries.

"You never know," she continued, when asked about her plans now that she's officially "broken out." "Maybe I have something else cooler coming, which is even more exciting."

Jessica Biel

Alexandra Wyman/

True that, hon. Another gorgeous gal, Jessica Biel, was headed my ditzy-ass way, and I was dying to ask if she and rumored bicep-toy Derek Jeter would be spending the holidays together. Too bad her rep cried foul. "No personal questions for Jess tonight," she said, before I could even ask. Boo.

I opted, instead, to ask Ms. Biel how she manages to look classy, yet sexy, at every carpet she graces (I know, yawner, but whatev). This gal has the perennially perf combo of sweet and sassy, without being too slutty. What's her friggin' secret, already?

"I always ask, 'What would my dad think of this dress?' before I leave the house," she said, stunning in a black-and-white woven number. "If it's too short or too tight, toss it out and get another one."

Britney Spears, are you listening? 'Cause, girlfriend, if you are, get a load o' this:

JR Rotem, Britney Spears


A few weeks ago, I held a contest for you foul-mouthed, terribly witty readers, to see who the hell could come up with the best comeback plan for our poor, downtrodden Ms. Spears—who seemingly can't afford to buy undies these days. Results were hysterical.

See, it's time to announce the winners of our Baby Booty Giveaway! Now, the competition was fierce, g-friends—we had over 1,000 Awful-ites email us their two cents on just how, exactly, Brit should bounce back. And seems she's taken some steps of her own: On her Website, she thanks God for Victoria's Secret panties and promises she's workin' on some new beats. And just this weekend she dyed her locks black and stepped out with new guy J.R. Rotem.

But, yo, if Brit really wants to make a serious splash, she should follow our randy readers' advice. Without further ado, here are the fab winners!


"To better her career, and mankind, I feel Britney Spears should team up with the most-loved holiday gift maker in the land: Chia Pet! New for 2006, Chia Britney. Just pour water and watch as Britney's pubic hair grows back! Of course, due to the nature of the item, the commercials—starring Britney—could only run on cable TV. Perchance, the E! network?

"As an added bonus, all proceeds would go toward Sean and Jayden's child fund (Man-Ny). And the world becomes a happier place."

Britney Spears

Jamie McCarthy/


"Britney should claim she is still a virgin and both her kids with Kevin were conceived through artificial insemination. She hid it from the public eye because she was too afraid to admit that she is scared to have sexual intercourse and mistakenly thought that would end her career. Now, she realizes Kevin was a mistake and wants to reclaim the virginity she never lost, so she can be a role model to every young American girl who is also afraid to admit her own fear of 'the penis'—and still be sexy."


"My advice to Britney is simple. This is for two reasons: (1) simple is easier to understand, and (2) if she can't remember underwear, then Britney won't be able to handle complex advice, either.

"Britney, think about what K-Fed would do. Then do the opposite.

"See, it's that simple. Would K-Fed go partying in Vegas and L.A. with skanky ho's? Yes. Then, you shouldn't. Would K-Fed go into a studio and actually work his bony butt off to create a multiplatinum album? No. Then, you should."


"Simple! Announce her undying love and engagement to Toothy Tile."

Good one, Todd-babe! But somehow, I don't think Toothy would be wooed by Brit's never-ending gum-snapping ways, despite the very obvious allusion to other impressive jaw-juggling activities.

 Thanks, everybody! This here's an annual event—I can smell it!

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