Few disses 'n' thats before we get to you malcontents (I know how you heathens live for your spotlights, already):
- Did you know Jim Carrey has had not one, not two, but three pics canceled recently? People are talking about it. A lot. Prepare to see much more ink on said dicey sitch.
Could this be why things are heating up so much between Mr. C. and that adorable Jenny McCarthy, those freshly jetted Tom Cruise companions? Does Jimmy-doll just want to curl up and be cocooned with his new, peroxided baby, just to be safe from certain pro naysayers? (Tim Burton, did you just blush?)
Yes, pals close to Ms. M. (who has been known to stick a parking ticket to a Hell-Ay clothing store she happened to be frequenting, doncha love that one?), are a bit concerned that J.M. seems utterly Stepford Wife-ready for life with the wacky comic.
But something else worries these McCarthy buds even more. Read on to the end o' the column for that nasty-ass bit.
- Bill Condon, the Gods and Monsters genius who also brought us the Chicago script, not to mention Dreamgirls, is, I hear, busy bitching about another movie musical he has absolutely nothing to do with: New Line's Hairspray, starring the man-kissing (off camera) and dress-wearing (on camera) John Travolta.
"Be glad you've dodged a bullet," he reportedly told a friend who was displeased he wasn't asked to be included in the John Waters pic.
Hey, Billy, haven't seen Hair, but I sure have seen Dream. I wouldn't talk if I were you. Jennifer Hudson is too te-riff, but, well, we'll save that filmic bitchiness for another column, shall we? I mean, I have some professional snits to get to, already.
Dear Ted:
Hope you had a restful Thanksgiving. It's now Christmas season, a time for giving. So, I'm hoping you'll give out more hints as to the identity of Whip-Me Mendelson, of One Homo-Handed Blind Vice fame. Since we now know that Katie Holmes is pretty comfortable, I have to wonder if Chris Klein isn't Whip-Me. But others are saying it's Topher Grace. Is either guess right? If not, can we have more clues? Like a date of birth, or what type of car Whip-Me drives? Thanks.
S.A.V.
Milwaukee
Dear Xmas Isn't Coming Early:
Nice try there, Midwest. You're actually closer with Chris than with Toph-doll, though neither nerd-esque thesp is correct-a-roonie. Think as successful as the former and as unhumpable as the latter.
Dear Ted:
Hellooo? Where the H-E-double-hockey-sticks have you been for a week?
Kimberly
Lake Forest, Illinois
Dear Eat My Puck:
On vacation, doll, what's the prob? Cristina Gibson's not good enough for you while I'm away? I think she's perf!
Dear Ted:
With all the talk about TomKat's wedding, I'm surprised you didn't take more shots at Brooke Shields for selling out and attending—a clear publicity stunt from the Cruise clean-up crew. Totally disappointing, since Brooke seemed to stand for something for about three seconds.
Kathleen
Boston
Dear Naïve:
Gosh, which is going to get Brooke more attention: boycotting TomKat's wedding or attending said ceremony? Bingo! The choice she's not supposed to do! Brooke obviously selected the glittery J.Lo train and attended—as opposed to the lonely boycotting route—and, like Darryl Hannah up some lonely tree, stuck around for hours.
Dear Ted:
I just wanted to say Cristina Gibson did a great job while you were away! I was so happy to see she was asking the same questions about Britney Spears as I was. I mean, if Britney really thinks she is going to make a comeback, she needs to stay far away from Paris Hilton. That's just gross!
Hillary
Clearwater, Florida
Dear Grease-a-Phobic:
No, darling, that's just genius. Now, while I most often agree with Ms. Gibson—and I certainly applaud your feelings about her stellar job in my absence—the reason I adore Cristina so is because we, like, completely disagree from time to time. Britney can't suddenly start pulling some kinda Jackie-O comeback, 'cause she never had the class in the first place. As far as I'm concerned, Ms. S. just needs to ditch K-Fed, as she's done, and that's all the cleanin' up this bitch wants to see. Yeah, still-trashy Brit!
Dear Ted:
I'm still trying to figure out why Britney Spears hasn't hired a great stylist who can make her look fabulous yet.
Maggie
Tampa, Florida
Most stupid-ola thing Ms. B. could do. See above. It would be the equivalent of Ashlee Simpson and Jennifer Grey cutting off their noses—just ain't the same without the extra stuff.
Dear Ted:
Lucy Liu's native language is English (Chinese is her second language). She's Asian-American and was born in Queens, New York, not China. There's a big difference. Let's try not to promote ignorance please, do a little more research.
Lisa
Los Angeles
Dear Correct, Politically and Every Other Way:
I apologize for any misconception on this point while I was away.
Dear Ted:
My guess for Toothy Tile is Ryan Reynolds.
Kim
Podunk, Indiana
Dear So Close:
Really, darling, even though Toothy ain't the mucho handsome Mr. R., the only thing off here, really, would be Reynolds' heterosexuality (damn that bitch Alanis) and, um, the caliber of R2's pro resume. Many, many other similarities, otherwise.
Dear Ted:
I enjoy your column and find it amusing, but I do read you for entertainment—just like television and movies are for entertaining. So, could you leave the political commentary out of it? After all, you are a gossip reporter in Tinseltown, the land of Cool Whip and Jell-O!
Dear Super Uncool:
Are you serious? Skeletal frames and cocaine is more like it. Want froth? Try Brooke Shields' homemaking tips in Us Weekly.
Dear Ted:
Remember us? Your readers? Any plans to change the ancient column just sitting there for a week? Not the best plan for maintaining a following, you know.
Margo
Dear Bitchy:
Are you referring to my Thanksgiving column or the normal day-to-day screwups since we reformatted? I realize turkeys are perhaps in order for both occasions, but as I've said before, please be patient. And I apologize, for whatever that's worth, babe.
Dear Ted:
Thanks for continuing to include Duh-bya in yer column (ignore those naysayers—we all have to speak out against injustice and corruption).
I loved your description of him: "you little Oval Office version of K-Fed." I nearly fell off my chair picturing him in über-baggy jeans!
Bob
New York
Dear Sour Apple:
Thanks, but, you know, Laura Bush and Britney Spears do have a lot in common, mate-wise.
Dear Ted:
Oh, poor Lance Bass—he should have known Reichen Lehmkuhl only wanted to be with him to get publicity for his book. It's no shocker to me Reichen wouldn't admit to being in love!
J.D.
Los Angeles
Dear Schadenfreude:
Oh, darling, be kind. Even ditched poseurs need love.
Dear Ted:
I recently cut my hair Sharon Stone short, and it looks good. But my boyfriend hates it—he likes long hair on a girl. Do I let him suffer and enjoy my prettier self?
June
Hey, if you don't mind your amour battery-operated, I say dump the schmuck.