2008 Olympics Mascots


NBC Universal—or as we'll continue to call it, NBC—has announced that it will attempt the most expansive coverage of any Olympics in history despite the fact that almost no one we know seems to be the least bit aware that it is happening. Of course, we hang out exclusively with nerds.

NBC itself will broadcast 225 hours with a staggering 3,600 hours total spread across online, mobile and six additional networks: MSNBC, CNBC, USA, Telemundo, Universal HD and, most surprisingly, Oxygen. Yeah, Oxygen. Maybe they're going to try and squeeze an hour of water polo in between reruns of Grace Under Fire?

That's a lot of Olympics. How on Earth is NBC going to fill up all that time? Through a simple and wholly untrue three-point plan.

1. Create some new events. There are an astonishing 618 new sports premiering in this year's Olympics. Among them: competitive knitting, psychic surgery and sass talk (men's, women's and mixed).

2. Slow motion. More than 80 percent of the entire Olympics coverage will be broadcast live in NBC's state-of-the-art, high-definition, super-slow-motion technology.

3. Extended analysis. The finish of each competition will be subject to a mandatory instant replay, video review, witness testimony, secret military tribunal, dramatic reenactment, 21-gun salute, court-ordered exhumation and autopsy, illegal wiretap, genetic decoding, ice cream social, community clean-up, Monster Manual cross reference, deep tissue massage and, finally, like all things televised, any judgment must meet with the personal approval of Ryan Seacrest or a representative of RSP.

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