Is all the hoopla around Andrew Morton's Tom Cruise biography overshadowing the possibility that Katie Cruise might be preggers? You decide! Plus, take a look at your snap-to snap-backs in reader mail—Andy Morton should wish for such tell-all testiness!

Tom Cruise, Suri

Oh, Andy Morton, is this the best you can do, simply asking the Q if Lucifer (or L. Ron Hubbard, take your pick) is the daddy of Suri Cruise? Some “fanatical” Scientologists are quoted in your just-being-released docu job on Tom Cruise as to wondering if the shortie star’s third wife might have been inseminated, not by Daddy Tommy, but via frozen sperm from L. Ron himself. How very Rosemary’s Baby, you declare! And Camp Cruise declares, right back, to be expecting devilish legal recourse, but of course.
Katie Holmes


Well, tell us, Mr. M., did Hubbard leave behind a particularly large stash of the procreative stuff? Because folks who were just sitting next to Tom ‘n’ Katie at the Seahawks game in Seattle insist K.H. had “a definite bump” going underneath her Posh-like outfit, as evident as the “huge sunglasses” Missus Cruise was also showing off—while it was raining buckets outside. As if wearing Anna Wintour-esque shades in the Washington Redskin’s owner’s box was going to make you any less noticeable, dear?
Why not get a sign in neon, declaring Look at  My Possible Bump! Nicole Kidman’s Not the Only Gal on the Globe Who’s Got One! I mean, really. It was that obvs, darlin’, or so I’m told by folks who paid far too much moolah to watch the damn game.
“There was more security  than if the president was there!” added our deep-pocket purveyor, regarding the Cruise show. “And she looked preggers...”

Oh, Kate-babe, are you? Sure would explain your divine devotion to raincoats these days. Pouring with pissiness, would be the following:

Sean Penn, Robin Wright Penn

Kevin Mazur/

Dear Ted:
Sean and Robin are getting divorced. I'm having flashbacks here. You wrote a few months back that Sean wasn't there to support Robin on the red carpet and that you sniffed marriage trouble brewing. I swear, Ted, sometimes you give me the creeps. You might as well be a Scryer!
  Brooklyn, New York
Dear Duo Doom:
Yuck. That sounds like something that scrapes at the bottom of K-Fed’s ass or something. Regardless, sadly, it seems the writing was on the fiery wall back then for the Penn relationship. Better luck love-wise in 2008 to them both.
Kim Basinger

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
I'm guessing Seymour Slim-Bum and Darlene Deviant  from One Redux Doo-Doo Blind Vice are Al Pacino and Kim Basinger. Any chance I'm right?
  Lafayette, Louisiana
Dear Scent of the Wrong Woman:
Not a terrible guess, but Al and Kim aren’t our two feuding costars. Think younger for both.
Oprah Winfrey

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
I accidentally caught Oprah's bizarre attempt at delivering a campaign speech for Obama on the nightly news...It was like nails on a chalkboard. Ugh! What's with the southern Baptist preacher routine, has she lost her friggin’ mind?
  Allen, Michigan
Dear No Go for O:
After the Iowa caucus, I’m sure Obama’s saying, Bring on the preacher woman!
Jamie Lynn Spears

Jean-Paul Aussenard/

Dear Ted:
Don't be such a prude. So the little Jamie Lynn Spears is about to become a what? So babies are not always planned, it happens. If anything, I believe she should be commended for owning up to this instead of rushing off to some abortion clinic!
  São Paulo, Brazil
Dear Team Teenage Mothers:
We’re not chastising Jamie Lynn for havin’ premarital sex, per se, but we do think they should have used protection. Apparently, this isn’t the first time there’s been a pregnancy scare on the set of her show.
Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal

Paul Fenton/, Digitalprofile/

Dear Ted:
Whatever credibility you had left, and it isn't much, is evaporating quickly. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are low-key in that they spend most of their time indoors. You don't see it because you don't want to, simple. Reading you is like watching the Titanic sink! New photos, new bulls--t. Fool!
  Los Angeles
Dear Don't Call Me Kathy Bates:
Alas, my (hard) heart will go on, quite unlike Reese and Jake.
Sandra Bullock


Dear Ted:
Could Seymour Slim-Bum and Darlene be Jeff Bridges and Sandra Bullock?
  Lafayette, Louisiana
Dear Wrong Duo:
No way, g-friend! Think hotter for him and less gal-next-door, more do-me-diva for her.
Nicole Kidman

Steve Granitz/

Dear Ted:
Tom's kids call Kate Mom and Nicole Nicole? Is that Scientology mind control at work, or is Nicole a bad mother?
  Columbus, Ohio
Dear Mommie Nearest and Dearest:
Although Nic’s rep claimed she was joking about the kids not calling her mom, it could be that Connor and Isabella simply called Katie mom because she’s around them much more often. Or maybe Tom tells them to, who knows? Aren’t Britney’s kids in much more danger?
Dear Ted:
So, you're another right-wing person who hates on Jamie Lynn because she had sex at 16. You should read more of the Bible, for it says not to judge others.
  Burbank, California
Dear Bonkers in Burbank:
It also says killing people razzing your bald head is okay. Get real.
Katherine Heigl

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA

Dear Ted:
What gives? I thought you actually liked Katherine Heigl, yet you slam her for dissing Knocked Up. Would you prefer a woman who doesn't speak her mind, pretends to be someone she's not and keeps her opinions, no matter how controversial, to herself? Ugh, how boring.
Dear High on Heigl:
If Katie-bug really had an objection to the movie, shouldn’t she have said so before she signed on and got a big payday? That’s all we’re asking.
Dear Ted:
By reading your Blind Vices, it would seem half of Hollywood is hiding their true nature (so to speak). Was this always the case? Years ago, isn't it true that many gay folks just lived their lives as an open secret? Not necessarily revealing to the public at large, but not living in the closet either...
  Fontana, California
Dear Coiffured Curious:
Nathan Lane does not a movement make. Nice try.
Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise

Dear Ted:
How entertaining is it to you that both the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise and Reese Witherspoon-Jake Gyllenhaal relationships are listed on the same page in People magazine as Couples of the Year? Was People trying to tell us all something?
  Austin, Texas
Dear Coincidental Cupids:
We highly doubt the publicists’ go-to rag of choice would do anything of the sort.
Question Mark Silouette
Dear Ted:
One of my favorite items last year was the rumor Toothy Tile and Grey Goose were hoping to start a fam. This would definitely end up being my favorite Hollywood kiddo—sorry, Jolie-Pitts. So, where does Baby Tile currently sit: on the back burner or in the oven?
  Nashville, Tennessee
Dear Offspring Inquirer:
Does the frying pan work for you?
Dear Ted:
Wow, regarding your Baldie year-end awards, someone sure is bitter; are you pissy because they earn more money than you or because you believe you have more talent? You’re not showing it here.
  Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Dear Lynne Spears:
Don’t you have other, more worthwhile battles to fight instead of getting nasty about the awards I named after your wayward daughter?
Ann Coulter

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
You keep right on hammering Ann Coulter! One needs to read only a little of her writings to see that her very existence is founded on hate.
  Waterbury, Connecticut
Dear Right On:
Couldn’t agree more, and just because she’s blond and skinny while she spews hate doesn’t make it any better. (Are you reading, Paris?)
Michael Vick

Todd Kirkland/Icon SMI/

Dear Ted:
We women do believe in castration, when richly deserved. Can't imagine why you don't already own one of these razor sharp "Neuter Mike Vick" T-shirts?!
Dear Off with 'Em:
Do they make them for doggies, too? Margo Casablanca would totally love one.
Knocked Up: Seth Rogen

Universal Studios

Dear Ted:
Regarding Seth Rogen's hair, as mentioned in your Baldies, it's a Hebro not a Jewfro.
Dear Hairy Contrary:
Oh hell, both work, so don’t get your coiffure in a wad over it!
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