Gary Lee/UPPA/ZUMA Press.comHow Scary? The year started off shaky for Nic Richie, with the real threat of serious jail time for driving the wrong way on the freeway while DUI. One happy accident and 82 painless minutes later, Nic's gone through one spectacular transformation, and we ain't just talkin' 'bout her new curvy figure—average for any other woman, but voluptuous on her! The former naughty nightclubber shacked up with boyf Joel Madden and is preparing for a really simple life. Who knew a tattooed rocker could domesticate this socialite beast? Actually, the scariest part is the skunk dye job Joel inflicted on his hair during his summer tour. Get it out now, Joely, before you embarrass your kid in front of his friends with fashion mistakes like that.
Be Wary: When that baby's out, N.R. might be going back to her old noneating ways. Stay indoors and repreg yourself immediately, Nicole! The Hollywood scene is so ho-hum for a new mum.
How Scary? Anybody who has heard the tapes of you bustin' down that Vegas hotel door, all Al Capone, with guns, goons and huffy 'tude and heaving chest, must pity—all over again—what it was like for Nicole Simpson, every time you launched off on her. And all for some friggin' sports memorabilia? Fitting, really, if this is what takes you down instead of the reported slaying of your wife. Obvs means more to you.
Be Wary: Of soap and jails
How Scary? The Cruise-Holmes clan banded together in solidarity and rocked the same looks—short brunette locks with some serious blunt bangs up front. Adorable on li'l Suri, glam on mama Katie, but on Tommy-boy... well, he's got enough problems grooming the wacky underneath his hairdo helmet. Cruise spent most of '07 in Germany filming Hitler-pic Valkyrie, despite taunting from Germans who aren't too keen on the actor's religious beliefs. Scientology isn't recognized as an actual religion in G-town, and gov't officials say nein to Tom spreading his hippie L. Ron Hub love all over their country! Oh, snap! I guess Xenu ain't makin' it to Octoberfest this year.
Be Wary: Cruisie's latest pic, Lions for Lambs, yawned its way in and out of theaters, while Katie's superb makeover and marathon made headlines. Mr. Holmes better find a damn good project—not to mention an amazing stylist—to work out the kinks from the past year.
How Scary? Anny Smith Apple had enough troubles on her plate last February. Her son had overdosed, she was swamped with lawsuits and her newborn daughter was caught in the middle of a claws-out paternity battle. And the circus antics only got worse after her own mysterious death. Larry vs. Howard vs. any male who had ever met Anna! Larry Seidlin, the weeping judge! Anna in clown makeup! While pregnant! And high! Just throw in some pistols, dim lighting and hipster speak and you've got yourself a pulp novel, daddio. And poor li'l innocent Dannielynn goes to, drumroll please...Team Birkhead. When rumors swelled that Howard and Larry were lovers (which they so denied) and conspired together to steal Anna's loot, that's when I started to cry judge tears.
Be Wary: Of more surprises. Ain't no way this story's reached its end. Anna has been reincarnated into Dannielynn. The past year was just a dream, and we can all go back to simpler times—when the words Anna Nicole induced guilt-free hilarity at her expense.
How Scary? LiLo spent more time this year inside Ken Paves' salon than she did on a movie set, but that mane's not gonna tame itself. While getting her tresses under control, the girl shipped herself off to rehab thrice, hoping to transform herself from bad seed to good egg. Apparently, even sobriety can't hold this gal down, since she's been made the scapegoat for crashing into two relationships—while in rehab, no less. Does the girl ever sleep? I mean, alone. Take a day off from the dramz, Linds! You're just a purple cape away from being a supervillain—sexy, scandalous and cannot be stopped. Even scarier are L2's pitiful attempts to explain her feral behavior: "They're not my pants" may be a suitable lie when coke is found on your person, but there's no excuse for both Georgia Rule and I Know Who Killed Me.
Be Wary: Double L's been keeping it Lindsay lowdown since her stint at Cirque Lodge, but history tells me dramatic 911 calls await us all.
How Scary? Slightly. Paris used to be way spookier earlier this year, when she thought she was above the law and drove despite having her license suspended from the DUI. But then came court and judge Michael T. Sauer's 45-day sentence. Suddenly, it was slammer time for our fave heir-head. And while Pare-poo managed to get outta jail after serving just three days, she was promptly tossed back into the Lynwood Hilton, kicking and screaming and crying for all the cameras to see. Nineteen days later, Paris emerged from the ashes, claiming to be a new woman. And despite getting rid of her extensions and sporting a more serious, mature bob, P hasn't quite convinced us of her sainthood yet. She refashioned a lot on Larry King, postponed her charity trip to Africa and is still pounding shots and smoking oddly rolled substances. But she now hires drivers or takes cabs after boozing and has kept the crotch shots and nipple slips to a minimum lately, so she's improving.
Be Wary: Of hanging out with Brandon Davis or Britney Spears. Let Stavros Niarchos go—stop chasing him all over South Beach. Stick close to your mommy-to-be BFF Nicole Richie, take care of the oodles of pets you've procured and everything will be peachy.
How Scary? Hilarious on television...terrifying on telephone! Not since Scream have I been this afraid of answering a cell-phone call. When daughter Ireland refused to talk to her big-bad-voodoo-daddy, Alec B left her the nastiest parental voicemail ever recorded. Bitter ex Kim Basinger, or somebody close by, leaked it to the press, natch, and "you are a rude, thoughtless little pig" became the insult of the year. Being a wicked parent is at the top of my not-to-do list (Margo Casablanca can woof easier at night), and now, Alec, you're at the bottom of my favorite Baldwin brother inventory. Go, Daniel! And, trust, it pained me greatly to write that. Thanks a lot, jerk, used to heart ya like you have no idea.
Be Wary: With all the (much deserved) recognition Al's getting from his work on 30 Rock, this little piggy has almost been forgotten. Let's hope Alec's switched to emails when corresponding with his kin.
How Scary? It's here...and it's there...it's everywhere! Vicky B's singing and IQ might be up for debate, but her inspired asymmetrical bob was definitely the go-to fashion trend of the year, props for that, babes! Celebs from Paris to Jenny McCarthy donned the Pob à la blond, while fellow desperate housewives Katie Holmes and Jada Pinkett Smith rocked a darker sideswept 'do. David's spicy wifey had one helluva thyme (okay, I'll nix the spice puns from now on) with her own reality show special and the Spice Girls reunion tour selling out in nanoseconds! Becks, on the other hand, injured his precious, cute knee and spent most of the year sitting on the sidelines—or inside the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, waiting for good buddy Tom C to call. Guess they don't have those java hangs in jolly ol' E. Well, if you can't score goals, you may as well latte lament your BFF.
Be Wary: Of smiling and eating. You're a Posh-bot, you have no need for food or feelings. And Becksie, be careful with that bod of yours. The L.A. Galaxy isn't paying you to live in La-La Land to flash your derriere everywhere.
How Scary? The number one hair trend of the year wasn't on anybody's head. Posed and exposed privates were the numero uno most celebrated stars of '07. Multiple offenders Brit-Brit and Lindsay bared it proud and loud, and even a preggo Xtina Aguilera joined the naughty pics sorority. Up went their skirts, followed by our lunches. For realsies, though, these starlets must be freezing. If you insist on not wearing any underwear, at least grow a sweater for your precious pet. Do they make Ugg boots for vajayjays?
Be Wary: Of paparazzi lying down in the gutter with a telephonic lens as you step out of your Prius. I know they're hard to spot among all the other d-bags in H-town, but take off your ridiculously sized sunnies and do a sweep of the area before you spread.
Big hair, giant douchebag. On trial for months for the possible murder of Lana Clarkson, resulting in a hung jury, P.S. looks like he's already been tried and executed through electrocution.
2. Marcia Cross and Daniel Radcliffe
The world discovered that Marcia Cross is desperate—for a bikini wax! The natural redhead wasn't so happy to see naked snaps of her showering outside, but that's what you get when you star in a hit TV show and think it's a good idea to bathe outdoors. Always beware the intrusive Internet. Across the pond, Daniel Radcliffe voluntarily exposed his Hairy Potter onstage while starring in Equus. Result was just as thick, but far more fetching.
Okay, so he didn't win the presidency. This year, the man won an Oscar. Won an Emmy for Current TV. Won a Nobel Peace Prize. Won my eco-friendly and very hard heart. And the 'do's perf! Please give Tipper tips asap!