Lance Armstrong goes on a tour de foreign, Tom Hanks is so no thank you  at his latest premiere and Jaime Lynn gets Britney’s hand-me-down headlines—the younger sibling never gets new things! Check out the deets on Li'l Spears’ real teeny whopper, plus yet more Hills hell-raisin’!
Jamie Lynn Spears

Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

So, the fertile chicken leg doesn't fall far from the KFC, apparently. The Spears saga just gets better and better. Despite seeming like the sweet and innocent Spears sister, Jamie Lynn has gone and dropped a big-ol' baby bomb to OK! mag. The 16-year-old Nickelodeon star is preggers with the boyfriend she met at church, in case you've been hiding under a Bible as big as Brit-Brit's liquor bill. Apparently, Jamie wasn't saving herself for marriage like big sister Brit swore she was.

(Shades of that outrageous notion that Britney herself was a virgin—while hotel-room hopping with Justin in the middle of the night—come to mind, can't think why.)

Britney Spears

Fame Pictures Inc.

But seriously, we bet Brit's just slightly pleased at the latest development. After all, she told E! cutie Jason Kennedy she was, and I think Spears may have even been sober when she said so. After all, since Lindsay Lohan seems to be taking an awfully long time with her return to Debauchery Boulevard, Jamie Lynn's reproduction story takes some of the heat off Brit-Brit and gives the Spears bunch another sibling to worry about.

And now Sean Preston and Jayden James can play with Jamie's tyke! And if Brit's boys do get legally limited (as it seems to be sadly headed that way, with Brit blowing off court date after court date), she can borrow Jamie Lynn's little one for a few hours.

Hey, Lynne Spears, what do you have to say about all this? You gonna tell us all of your fab parenting tips in that book you're penning for a Christian publishing company? We're all ears...

(We can hear Kathy Hilton laughing her womanly ass off in Bel-Air right now.)

Lauren Conrad

AP Photo/Matt Sayles

This just in! The owner of Crobar rang us up at Awful this very morning, wanting to set the record straight on Lauren Conrad. "She was very accommodating and down to earth," the Crobar bigwig insisted, adding that L.C. was nothing but "lovely" while hosting the charity do we mentioned earlier. That's all well and good, but what about her last-minute white limo cancellation?

"Well, Lauren's people talked to the limo company," he told Cristina G, adding that the snowy limo previously sent was too flashy for Lauren's humble tastes. "She didn't want something too over-the-top."

She ended up arriving in a very simple, Town Car-eqsue chariot instead. And it just so happened to be très chic black. Knew it!

Then the same industrious Conrad bum-smoocher rings up yours truly with a rather different story. "Lauren was running late from the airport, so we cancelled the limo," he sacrificially offered, before again saying how very sweet Lauren-poo was.

Now, listen, bitches. We're not saying this whole sucky sitch is all Lauren's doing. It appears as her reps are at least partially to blame for being overly demanding (claims the limo company we originally heard from) and giving her client a pushy, high maintenance rep. Either that, or maybe Heidi's got something to really beef about, after all?

Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt

Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

And while Lauren-love (or her people) are jeopardizing that nice-girl rep with diva demands, Ms. C's Hills costars (and archenemies) Heidi M and Spencer Pratt are working overtime at polishing their halos. And yes, they're still together.

We know, we know, the finale tried to make it seem like the overly blond duo's splitting up—and Heidi arrived at the after-party without her ring—but trust us, this gruesome twosome is still very much on. Besides, do you actually think they'd want it any other way than us panting over their relationship's status? 'Course not. That would be like saying Lauren-love doesn't have anything against white stretch BMWs.

Case in point on the togetherness of H 'n' S: Both booby types are scheduled to hit Hell-Ay's skid row bright and early Monday morning (aka Christmas Eve). In addition to doling out food for the homeless, they'll also give out toys and gifts to less fortunate kids—the very action Lauren-hon affected when she ditched her toy-filled white limo in Chi-town.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com

Also pitching in for this par-tick charity event are Melissa Joan Hart and Jennifer Love Hewitt (bet she'll stay away from the carbs). Speidi also helped served T-Day dinner at the L.A. Mission back in November, for the saintly record.

Now, we know they're probably in it for the photo ops, but Heidi and her man sure are looking good compared to Lauren lately.

Paris Hilton

AP Photo/Eugene Hoshiko

This is starting to look so Paris and Nicole, don't you think? Paris was given an edict by her redo team (which, if you ask me, is headed by Kathy Hilton, forget the new team of publicists) to clean up her debauched act. True the hair got cut, so there are fewer locks to sway and toss when she gyrates and struts in South Beach, but the charity tours also got trimmed (or delayed, shall we say?) in favor of hocking her perfume in steamy, sultry Miami. Not exactly turning a new benevolent leaf in Africa, eh?

Even Nicole got wind of the save-your-ass memo, just like Heidi and Spence. While Lauren's choosing cars over charity and Paris is opting for swapping spit with recycled Lohan exes, Heidi and Spence do underprivileged downtown. Just as Nic and her man, Joel Madden, not only helped feed the homeless here for Thanksgiving, they also gave hundreds of thousands of dollars to expectant mothers in need.

Lauren and Paris, you two so need to catch up.

Ashley Olsen, Lance Armstrong

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

On this holiday-esque, very merry (anti?)mischief note, we must mention that Ashley's whatever, Lance Armstrong, is touring—as we cyber chat—southwest Asia for a festive USO tour. He joins Robin Williams and Kid Rock, as you may have heard. Lance, Robin and Kid, what a trio. Not sure what the nation's armed forces finaglers are after here, but it's an effective troika, I'll say that much.

Congrats to Lance! This column hasn't been exactly kissy-kissy about his past acshuns with the babes (split from the first wife-unit; hookup, breakup, rehookup, rebreakup with Sheryl Crow; then Ashley). But L.A. raises oodles for cancer patients, and now this show of support for the guys 'n' gals away from home during the holidays. It's all fab.

Sorta sounds like a dude who might one day run for office, doesn't it? American hero-cum-celeb-heartbreaker-cum-charitable-cheerleader! Which is it gonna be, Mr. A, governor or Prez? Neither, according to his spokespeople, who claim Armstrong's not running for anything—right now. But mark my goss-blackened soul, as well as a few other pissy pundits round the country, Lance is running for something...soon.

Can't wait to ask the man (should he run, 'course) a hotbed inquiry or two, you? Same-sex marriage? Abortion? Stem-cell, Texas annexation...jeez, it's gonna be as if that Olsen gal never existed.

(Which might be exactly what he'd like.)

Blind Vice: Version 2

E! Networks/Comcast Entertainment Group

You might want to put on gloves for this one. Louie Don't Sue Me is a talent impresario who's been accused of getting youngsters into hip clubs—he's also been known to allegedly pull some pretty inappropriate things with some of the kiddies he's offered entrée to. Yet another gal recently told us she's been a victim of L.D.'s skankiness, too.

He said he was going to show her a VIP room, she snit-relayed to us, but Louie really took her back into a kitchen and locked the door. When the young honey refused to do anything with the sleazy dude, he proceeded to take matters into his own hands. Yup, to her absolute horror, he proceeded to wank off right in front of the shocked femme.

Thought that only happened in studio execs' offices these days. Apparently not. Why more women don't believe in a little castration now and then is beyond me.

Jake Gyllenhaal, Reese Witherspoon

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

"Don't know how long this thing with Reese will go on."
—Close bud to Jake Gyllenhaal, regarding the length of this thing between R 'n' J, whose sugary affections for each other we thankfully haven't had to stomach much of...lately

Why's that? Because according to these mutual amigos we share, both Reese and Jake have been trying personal sitches that, uh, pull them away from each other a lot. Wonder what sitches those could possibly be? No matter. Both cuties are darling. Hope they find mucho happiness in '08.

Just ain't gonna be with each other.

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