Goddesses and Monsters

From livin' la vida Lohan to Lance 'n' Ashley's increasingly bizarro tongue swapping, girlfriends, do we have gonzo gab for you—not to mention yet more poopy poop on the demigod that is Oprah! Ready to worship at the altar of Truth?

There's nothing like a little mother-daughter shopping trip, complete with a flashbulb frenzy to get you feeling festive, right? As our darling Page Six snoops also noted, on Black Friday, the most insanely busy shopping day of the whole year, Dina Lohan took to the streets of InWhySee with Lindsay and Ali for some retail therapy. First, the Lohan ladies hit Intermix, where the girls got boots, jackets and other clothes. Big-spending snoops say Dina ponied up the plastic for the Xmas presents purchased there...wonder why she's feeling so generous? Think it’s really true then that Linds-hon’s totally effin’ broke?

Nah, bet mamacita Dina’s just payin’ ol' L2 back for the privilege of tryin' for that brand-new TV career, huh? Sure that’s it.

Or more (bitchily) direct, perhaps D.L. was trying to woo Linds to make a cameo in that reality-show footage she’s been shooting? Maybe it worked, because afterward, Linds and Dina were spotted strolling arm in arm, with a pack of paps in tow, natch, over to Armani Exchange for even more overly conspicuous consumption.

At AX, Linds was the babe with most buying power, picking out a trench coat, a peacoat, satin black pants and loads of other loot. "All the girls seemed to be getting along great," said one plastic witness. Uh, yeah, obvs! There were tons of photogs around. But what about during their T-day dinner the night before? Bet it wasn't all smiles then.

Showing his pearly toothies for the first time since he hung so sweaty delish with Matty M and Jakey G was our new flirty fella Lance Armstrong. He’s been, uh, “courting” one of the Olsen girls as of late; who the ef knows which one—they’re both so equally dusty ‘n' indistinguishable.

See those quotes we put around the reported romancing acshun L.A.'s been engaging in with Ashley? That’s because, as weird as this courtship appears, it’s even weirder!  

“He is taking on the role of Ashley’s mentor,” blurted a deeply embedded member of Camp Armstrong. “Isn’t that so very altruistic of him?” Coulda stolen the sassy quote right outta our jaded mouths, that’s fer sure. “Then again,” continued our irked insider, “isn’t there some kind of breach of trust when he sticks his tongue down her throat?"

Dunno, Lance, you tell us, why doncha? And while you’re at it, babe, what the heck are you mentoring Ms. O in, we’d like to know. How to eat or how to cheat?

We know this is neither here nor there, but what the hell else is a goss column good for, ka-peesh? So, continuing on along the road less traveled—revealing that Oprah ain’t all that, a femme factoid that hurts moi far more than anyone else, trust—just thought we’d letcha know somethin’...karmic.

Remember when Oprah gave Babs Streisand hell for insisting on a white mike to match her snowy turtleneck outfit when she performed a while back, making B.S. out to be the big diva we already know she was? Well, pretend you remember this little girlie encounter, 'kay? Because guess who has coordinated tiny little microphones for each of her outfits, every single day she tapes a show? Lilac to ebony to bone to chocolate? Oprah, 'course.

“She has them all put out on a tray,” snit-informed an Oprah mover 'n' boob-tube shaker who’s seen the matching mikes, “and she picks out whichever one matches her outfit that day.” Too fun! Uh, maybe it’s not such a bad thing Ms. O doesn’t want to rule the world and run for prez, after all? Can’t even imagine highlights-obsessed Hillary going this far.

Selita Ebanks, being generous. The Victoria's Secret vixen and Nick Cannon's ex-fiancée hit the Patriots game Monday night to give five lucky fans $500 gift cards to Victoria's Secret and invites to the pajama party she's hosting. Selita-doll rocked a Pats jersey personalized with her last name, a gray turtleneck and fingerless gloves for the occasion. The supermodel was even seen scarfing down a hot dog between quarters. She has a bod like that and still gets to eat junk food? No fair. Getting some grub elsewhere on the East Coast were...

Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, hittin' up the Whole Foods at the Time Warner AOL building at Columbus Circle. The usually low-key Kevin was wearing his shades inside the store (ick) and was overheard complaining to Kyra that they didn't have enough olive oil. Hmmm...sounds like the Footloose fella was having a diva day or something. More well mannered back west was...

Jon Voight, taking some tykes to the Grove. No, not Angie's, relax. Jon was spotted at Anthropologie of all places on Sunday afternoon. "He seemed very cheerful, nice and polite," said one mall blabber. Jon, clad in a button-down shirt and a "grandpa-ish jacket," seemed to be looking for something with the little kids. Wonder if they were trying to help him pick out prezzies to send to the Brangelina brood?