If you answered, "Because they know their way around hair extensions better than Martha Stewart does an organic canapé," why, you'd be dead wrong, babycakes. The correct response—duh—is that the svelte babes don't behave, 'course!
Well, neither do we here at the Awful Truth—bigger duh! And since everyone, including my knowledgable sources and their face-lifted mamas, seems to think Nicole Richie is preggers, we got busy planning birth announcements for our gal.
Inspired by Nic's rhyming and raunchy Memorial Day party invitation, we give you Friday's baby-shower themed Sick-Sick Six list of the invitations we'd like to see N consider for her upcoming soirees (this, mind you, before we get to an astoundingly childish Blind Vice today).
It's easy! Just picture a fancy-ass, embossed invite, with pastel engraving, declaring the following:
6. I'm pregnant, bitches, and my baby's gonna be sexier than Dannielynn!
5. Come to mi casa, 'cause I'm popping out a child/ Don't get me wrong, party people, the bash will still be wild / I'll be playing pin the tail on Hil Duff/ Because I no longer can drink alcohol and stuff/ Feel free to sniff and sip whatever you please/ Just remember: Secondhand smoke's bad for the baby, so no smokin' trees.
4. Live Earth? Ef that...come witness live birth! Just kidding, I'm months away from that. But seriously...I'm knocked up, so send gifts ASAP.
3. Behind bars with a baby? Suck on that, girlfriend.
2. Meet me at Hyde for my going-away/baby-shower party sponsored by Trojan! No virgins allowed.
1. Come and join G.Pa Lionel R and me/ As we host the baby shower of the century/ It's pretty obvious Joel and I boned/ So, if you come, drive the right way, don't be stoned/ 'Cause my ass might get hauled to jail/ Here's hoping this baby will help me prevail!
An Awful foreign correspondent recently caught a performance, and she gives the Bloom boards outing a not so rave review. The play, about a Yorkshire mining family's reunion, was apparently rather avant-garde in the '60s but is just plain boring these days, so says Desk Dreamboat.
"Bloom plays a repressed, painfully quiet, tormented son," says my caustic critic. "But I hate to say [Orlando] isn't very compelling...especially compared to some really excellent older Brit actors in the cast."
Old, crusty geezers being more fun to watch than pretty young things? Say it ain't so! 'Least all the swooning middle schoolers in the audience were happy with the O-man's blah-esque turn.Desk D further reports the theater was packed with adolescent girls eager to see Orlando in the flesh. Can't blame 'em, really, but why waste your allowance on a damn theater ticket? Just stand outside the latest Pirates premiere next time, chickies.
Oh, and although O.B. didn't exactly light up the stage, the not terribly brawny boy def gave good face to his fans afterward. Hundreds of peeps waited outside the theater, packing the street and causing a major traffic jam. Orlando was über-gracious as he took pics with fans and signed autographs for a full five minutes. Like that whatever of yours, Kirsten, ever behaved so sweetly.
Cheers to being cordial, you classy chap, you!William Baldwin, jonesin' for java. The second-youngest Baldwin boy was spotted at the Starbucks by Washington and Overland Wednesday afternoon. My sip spy reports he's "very handsome in person and tall...a big sexy man." Billy was wearin' a white tee, jeans, sandals and slicked-back hair. "He has crooked teeth—but a great smile," my witness adds, like somebody's mother. Happy people elsewhere included…