Whose hump is causing folks to gasp (and not in a good way) on Dancing with the Stars; plus, Lindsay Lohan makes 'em wait, and you bitchy readers make 'em hate!
Lindsay Lohan, Callum Best

INFPhoto.com

Ahhh, young love. Nothing like those first few weeks of whirlwind courtship to make you feel all giddy and schoolgirlish, right? Certainly seems Lindsay's been bitten by the love leech due to her recent dalliances with Calum Best.

They first did InWhySee, then jetted off to the Bahamas and finally headed back to the Big Apple for some more paint-the-town PDA. And there have been mucho reports that Calum's not exactly the best b-f for Linds. Rumors abound that he's flirting with other femmes, using her for her moolah, and they've been fighting something fierce.

Lindsay Lohan, Callum Best

Dennett/St.Clair/Splash News

But I hear otherwise. When Linds and Calum hit the Maxim Hot 100 party last Wednesday night, eyewitnesses report "they were totally cool together." Plus, a source veddy close to La Lohan herself seems to approve of her saliva-swinging choice.

"As far as I know, they're taking things slow," says my L2 insider. "She seems to be really happy with him, which makes me happy for her." 

I think I could puke, but best of luck, you two young'uns
Oh, before we get to this week’s reader projectile whatevers, guess which Dancing with the Stars reg keeps needing his or her outfits let out, causing the show’s dressers to complain behind the prime-time person’s back? 

Hint: J.Lo prolly has to deal with the same snittiness all the time. Answer in tomorrow’s column!

Leonardo DiCaprio

Cosima Scavolini/LaPresse/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
If Leo is such an environmentalist, why does he smoke so many cigarettes? He should know the butts aren't biodegradable.
  Leigha
  Greensboro, North Carolina
Dear Green Goddess:
Give Leo a break, hon. After all the awareness he has brought to the tree-huggin’, whale-lovin’, hybrid-drivin’ cause, the boy is bound to be a little stressed.
Cher

Foc Kan/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Whore-tense Past-tense has to be Cher. Mattel made a doll of her, and she is one kooky lady.
  Nicole
  Chicago
Dear Deluded:
Way, way off, honey-bunny. Think oodles younger, different profession...just as bad fashion sense, though.
Lara Flynn Boyle

Marianna Day Massey/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
I am thinking that Whore-tense Past-tense is Lara Flynn Boyle. I am more often wrong than right, but I thought I would give it a shot. BTW, love the column.
  Elizabeth
  Chattanooga, Tennessee
Dear Reading Goss Can Be Fun:
Glad you like the column, love, but your guess isn’t so good. W.T.P.T. is younger and not quite so skeletal...yet.
Katie Holmes and her mother

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Has it occurred to you that perhaps Mama Holmes doesn't walk around town anymore because she'd be hounded by Desk Toledo? As for the luncheon—it may be that this former "best bud" of Katie's was just selling a story. Tell me, how many people you went to high school with are currently on your soiree guest list? Give Tom a break, will ya?
  Gia
  Alexandria, Virginia
Dear Tom  Cruise:
Sorry to burst your conspiracy theory bubble, but if Holmes’ ex-BFF wanted to sell the story, she woulda gone to News of the World like Lindsay’s pal did. We don’t pay for stories or scoop here at the Awful Truth.
Brittany Snow

John Shearer/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
"Mr. Brightside" by the Killers has no lyrics about “sinking sinks.” Is Brittany Snow smoking something?
  Jillian
  Chicago
Dear Killer Ear:
I know, right? But Brit-babe looked pure as snow, so I’m guessin’ she just accidentally mixed up her metaphors.
Fergie

FOTO POLLEX/Action Press/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
Why is everyone always picking on Fergie? She’s beautiful and talented—leave her alone!
  Alison
  Portland, Oregon
Dear Big Girls Don’t Cry:
I must admit, there’s more to that voice of hers than I had thought...her songs are damn catchy. But c’mon, anyone who pees their pants is fair game.
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Black Eyed Peas, Fergie

Mischa Sundukovskiy

Dear Ted:
I find it interesting and comical that two of Brad Pitt’s gals (Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie) both mentioned in interviews the importance of Taco Bell in their lives with Brad. Crunchwrap Supremes!
  Jane
  Hell-Ay
Dear Run for the Border:
It’s great that Brad-babe has found women who really get his tastes at the drive-thru window, isn’t it? But by the looks of his ladies’ bods, the only Cheesy Gordita Crunches they do are in the gym.  
Dear Ted:
Jennifer Aniston is not that funny, true. But she is sort of fun to watch on the small screen, and she is actually good in the seriously dramatic/crying scenes in her movies. Makes me think she's been miscast: I'd love to see her grow some balls and play a truly nasty/scary/crazy be-yotch.
  June
  West Hollywood, California
Dear Casting Couch:
Agreed—and remember, she was divine in Derailed.
Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What is really going on with Brangelina? And do you find it wrong to rename a three-year-old?
  Rita
  Los Angeles
Dear Name Shame:
Hey, we renamed Brad and Angie with that moniker you mention above when they were like thirty- and fortysomething, right? But all kidding aside, I think she probably confused her poor tyke with the name switcheroo.
Jon Powell, Bruce Bibby

E! Networks

Dear Ted:
No, not Powted as a nickname for you and Jon Powell. How about Bibbell?! Or Powablanca! This last would make a great porn name. Sorry. It's late—I'm being silly and cracking myself up.
  Judi
  Los Angeles
Dear Ted:
Powted...ha! How about CasaJon? Seriously, though, congratulations and all the best to both of you!
  Judy
  Chicago
Dear Ted:
How about Powablanca as a Hollywood-esque moniker for you and Jon? Sounds much punchier than Brangelina. Congrats!
  Robyn
  Atlanta
Dear Mashup Mavens:
Thanks for all your silly suggestions, babes. My Awful associate, Cristina Gibson, likes Juce. But personally, the retired slut in me simply adores Powablanca.
Stedman Graham

Laura Farr/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Actually, Ted, Stedman does fly commercial—and does hang out in Maui. My husband and I sat right next to him in first class on a commercial flight on the way back to Chicago from Maui last July, when Oprah had her whole show out in Maui.
  Melissa
  Chicago
Dear First-Class Femme:
Color me corrected! Does Oprah not let him borrow her private jet or somethin’?
Paris Hilton

X17online.com

Dear Ted:
Is Paris Hilton really going to jail?
  Danielle
  Rayvill, Louisiana
Dear Curious Clink:
In a word, yes. But don’t count on her staying there very long.
George Bush, Laura Bush

Ricardo Maldonado/EFE/ZUMA Press.com

Dear Ted:
Laura Bush
was a Democrat before she married Bushie. Perhaps some of the commonplace brains she once had have made her see the light of day as to his admin's attitude toward the downtrodden, liberals, gays, Latinos and all the other targets they use to divide America by creating wedge issues. And Laura’s schedule would indicate how much she's getting away from the president, too.
  L.S.
Dear Whacked-Out White House:
Oh, let’s congratulate the poor woman, not further berate her, ‘kay?
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