Today's column is written by Cristina Gibson while Ted is traveling. He'll be back and bitchy on Thursday.

We talk tykes with Nicole Kidman at the Kids' Choice Awards, but where was the master of said ceremony, Justin Timberlake, hiding out? Plus, Jesse Metcalfe takes time out from rehab for some seaside shopping!

Nicole Kidman

Lisa O'Connor/

Slime and screaming kids invaded UCLA on Saturday for Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards, the annual sticky show where the peanut gallery gets to pick its faves. The Oscars it ain't—with Best Burp award and green goo stunts—but that's why it's so fabulously fun. After all those stuffy award shows, who couldn't use a little juvenile humor?

Even sometimes-stuffy Nicole Kidman was in a good mood on the orange carpet. She stopped to talk to yours truly, despite my unfortunate placement at the tail end of the line.

"What's one thing kids do better than adults?" I asked Tom Cruise's ex-bride. "Speak the truth!" she shot back, with no hesitation. Since we were apparently straight shooting, I had to ask Nic if she was planning on any kids of her own with Keith Urban.

"Yes," was her simple reply, before sauntering off toward the bleachers full of frenzied kids. Short and sweet...I'll take it. For the reproductive record, let me say that Nic looks as slim and svelte as ever up close. So, word to the celeb weeklies: No need to start that bump watch just yet, 'kay?

Jessica Alba

Albert L. Ortega/

Aside from Mrs. Urban, a slew of other celebs hit the carpet: Jessica Alba as well as the darling yet so-precocious-it's-scary Dakota Fanning and Mandy Moore—who was not sporting that big bulky leg brace she's sometimes photographed in.

And while all the stars were hurrying inside to watch host Justin Timberlake dole out awards (in the shape of blimps, just for kicks), I came up with some of my own superlatives while standing there for two hours.

Justin Timberlake

Jesse Grant/

Biggest Bummer:  Timberlake, hands down. As I just said, J.T. was hosting the whole damn show. He's been a big winner in the past—twice for Best Burp—and tons of tykes were in the fan stands, autograph books ready, practicing their high-pitched shrieks and squeals, waiting for the "SexyBack" singer.

But he never set foot on the carpet. I can kinda understand if he didn't wanna do press, since he's stated he "despises" gossip rags, but please. Can't you even pose for pics and scrawl your name on a few kids' books? Where's that southern hospitality your mama taught you, boyfriend?

Masi Oka

Lisa O?Connor/

Least Recognized:  Masi Oka. Okay, Heroes is a hit show, for sure, but something tells me not too many from the 12-and-under set tune in to this NBC offering. They seemed to have no clue who he was when he came to meet 'n' greet the kiddies.
Jesse McCartney, Zac Efron

Lisa O?Connor/, Paul Fenton/

Most Commonly Confused:  Jesse McCartney and Zac Efron. One's a blond and one's a brunet. But they're both singers-slash-actors-slash-total teen heartthrobs. And their faces and wardrobes looked almost identical to moi—and, apparently, to other reporters, who kept yelling out the wrong names. Maybe that's why neither guy came over to chat?

Dylan Sprouse, Cole Sprouse

Lisa O?Connor/

The Olsen Twins 2.0:  Dylan and Cole Sprouse. If you don't have pint-size rug rats running around, you prolly don't know who they are. I didn't. But the brothers Sprouse have a hit show on Disney called The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, book deals, a clothing line and a friggin' magazine. And these blond-haired, blue-eyed twins are all of 14. The little girls screamed the loudest for these two, I kid you not. So, let's just hope they don't end up with eating disorders à la Mary-Kate, shall we?

Brett Ratner

Glenn Weiner/

Slimiest:  Brett Ratner, and I'm not talking about the green goo type of slime. The sleazy director (whom Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan reportedly fought over) was there, in all his chest-haired glory, with a kid he kept mugging with for the cameras. Odd indeed!

Jesse Metcalfe

Ferdaus Shamim/

Jesse Metcalfe, pulling a Britney (or is it a Lindsay?) and busting outta rehab for a little retail therapy. The former Desperate Housewives dude was spotted shopping at Lisa Kline in Malibu last weekend. J.M., casual in a tee and cargo shorts, was "being really nice" to the salesgirls and was accompanied by a big, burly bodyguard. I hear a pack of paparazzi was waiting for him outside, too. Speaking of recently rehabbed peeps, that reminds me of my brush with...

Jamie Lynn Spears

Paul Fenton/

Jamie Lynn Spears, at the Kids' Choice Awards Saturday. When I asked Jamie on the carpet how big sis Brit was doing post-Promises, her only reply was a forced smile and a thumbs-up. Must say she looked much more relieved post-press line, in the swag suite backstage, where she was gifted with Reebok sneaks and a purse from Haute Moms Rule! Also shopping with sis on the brain was...
Hilary Duff

Jean-Paul Aussenard/

Hilary Duff, backstage at the same suite. Hil, in a not-so-fetching yellow frock and messy hair to match, picked up a bunch of baubles from Marnie Rocks for herself and Haylie, claiming her sis stole some of her stuff. Hil D. also selected Elliott Lucca's Socialite satchel—she's certainly been living up to that name lately with her girly gallivanting, huh?
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