TomKat's latest out 'n' about big-toothed doings—are they fer real or just press put-ons? Hmmm. Let's conjure that baby, along with Star  Jones Reynolds' latest look-at-me mush, while we also get to some always genuine gab—your bitchy back talk!

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes

Alberto E. Rodriguez/

Oh, darlings, just some D-list sightings (Simon Rex, Tom Cruise, jokers like that) from round the nation before we get to you barkin’ bitches in this week’s mailbag. Ready to live hardly vicariously?

'Cause this nonrompin' road show Tom 'n' Katie are still on is really beginning to bore me somethin' fierce. There they were, the couple with the leastest, at Mentor L.A.'s Promise Gala at Fox studios, Century City. K.C. was ultrathin, ramrod erect and exquisitely coiffed in a flowy white top and black pants. Funny thing, though: Whenever Mrs. Cee posed with her hubby, she stooped down, lowering her towering bod. Think that was one of the myriad instructions Katie-poo was showered with, once she signed up for Camp Cruise? Prolly.
Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore

Lisa O'Connor/

Once inside the event (past the looky-loos of the red carpet), Mistuh and Mrs. Cee had “zero” chemistry between them (though some of their staunchest defenders say that's just how they are) as they sat, staring blankly apart, saying nothing to each other as they gazed at permahotties Demi 'n' Ashton. Uh, trouble already, you two?
Star Jones Reynolds

Eugene Gologursky/

Far more vivacious—and this one's gonna kill me to say so—over on a diff coast was former View merchandise-siphoning siren Star  Jones Reynolds. She's been celebrating her B-day, hitting the Hotel Victor, the Delano with Jamie Foxx (last week), then she hauled her supposedly nonsurgeried behind over to the Sagamore, where she totally ate up a birthday shout-out from Robin Thicke at his concert.

S.J.R. was quite dismissive to a fan who requested an autograph and pic (Reynolds should be thanking gawd these stupid creatures still exist on the planet), snapping at the poor boy: "Oh, honey, no. We're not doing that."

Fool! Who the eff does she think's gonna watch her four-eyed phony self on CNN? An ABC life with all the network PR trimmings, dear, this ain't gonna be.

Simon Rex

Jerod Harris/

Oh, and Simon Rex, still looking soft-porn perf, hit the stage at the Sagamore to do his best white rapper thang—"bitch" this, "bitch" that—very K-Fed wannabe white trash, insisted Desk SoBe (that would be my bitch, film writer Martin Haro).

Why do straight white dudes in wife-beaters yelling nasty-ass crap outta their pusses think that gets the babes all hot ‘n’ ready? Don’t they know they need to put their mouths where there privates want to be, and shut the hell up?

Speaking of no action, S.J.R. made the South Beach rounds without that personage she married once. Wonder why?

Victoria Beckham

Dimitrios Kambouris/

Dear Ted:
Am I the only person on the planet that thinks Victoria Beckham is the most hideous thing in Jimmy Choos? I just don't get it. Yuck.
  Danville, California

Dear Snit Fits:
Oh darling, glad you agree, and don’t you dare feel bad about your moniker! I mean, come on, I share my name with a closeted Evangelical preacher who dabbles in drugs and hookers, Ted Haggard. Worse than bloody Posh, for sure!

Beyonce Knowles

Richard Lewis/

Dear Ted:
From this beautiful black girl, I have to say...Beyoncé is completely overexposed. Even if you didn't say it, I will! Was I the only one thinking those were not tears of joy when J.Hud picked up her Oscar? B. can sing, but that's about where the hero worship ends for me.

Dear Dollface:
Couldn’t agree more, hon! Obviously the girl’s got pipes, but acting chops...not so much.

Sean Penn

Lisa O'Connor/

Dear Ted:
You got to tell me! Is Randy Rubber Sean Penn?
  Fall River, Massachusetts

Dear Nice Pry:
Not a terrible guess, but not too close either. Think younger, less hair.

Dear Ted:
I read on another gossip site that you are a Scientologist. Say it ain't so!

Dear Deluded:
Don’t you worry, Angie, I’m not drinking any Tom Cruise-Aid. That ain’t the delicious stuff from T.C. that interests me at all.

Claire Danes

Dimitrios Kambouris/

Dear Ted:
Blood E. Nostril
= Claire Danes?
  Washington, Indiana

Dear Short 'n' Sweet:
Wrong-a-rooney...Think younger, more bitchin’ bod. Way.

Dear Ted:  
Why do you always talk about stars being gay? Why do all homosexuals think everyone else is in the closet? I am fully supportive of anyone's sexual preference, to each his own, but I think your view that, like, 90 percent of Hollywood is gay or cross-dressing is a bit far-fetched.
  Newport Beach, California

Dear Numerically Naive:
Oh, doll, your numbers are so off—it’s not 90 percent, 50-50 is more like it: Half are gay, the other half just haven’t told their publicists yet.

Question Mark Silouette

Dear Ted:     
Has Toothy Tile or any of the other Blind Vicers ever indicated to you that he knows you're talking about him (as in, "Write anything more, Casablanca, and you'll never Awful-speak again")?

Dear Blind on the Mind:
Yes, Toothy know he’s Toothy. And he’s proud of it! (Quelle surprise.)

Leonardo DiCaprio

Daniele Venturelli/

Dear Ted:
Did Leonardo DiCaprio say that he was gay? Someone told me he came out of the closet this year, and I watch E! all the time and didn't hear that. Thank you.
  Elnora, Indiana

Dear Misinformed:
No, doll, that was Jared Leto. And he was joking.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the Decoder on the word tranny. I always thought it was short for "transmission." Could be a car transmission; could be the transmission of the kinda disease you don't tell your mama about.
  Beloved Waterbury, Connecticut

Dear Decoder Diva:
Trust me, there’s enough of the latter kinda transmissions you’re referring to around here in hot-to-hump Hollywood!  

John Mayer, Derek Jeter

James Devaney/, Marc Bryan-Brown/

Dear Ted:
Okay, I just have to be crude here, but are John Mayer and Derek Jeter gifted with long tongues and the ability to breathe through their ears?
  Raleigh, North Carolina  

Dear Tongue-Waggin’ Wanderer:
Darling, you were hardly crass in your query! And I’ve got no idea how good or bad John or Derek are at goin’ downtown, so no, that’s not their common interest.

Elizabeth Hurley

Ash Knotek/

Dear Ted:
Someone should slap Liz Hurley. She goes to one of the poorest countries on the planet and wastes a fortune on her 26th wedding? More proof that money doesn't buy class. Hey Ted, how long would you say the marriage will last? I figure four to six weeks.
  Los Angeles

Dear Heated over Hurley:
It is a little tacky, isn’t it? They could at least make a big fat donation or something afterward, à la Angelina. I give them four months.

Paris Hilton

John Shearer/

Dear Ted:
Another photo of Paris Hilton and yet even more press coverage? can't go even a week without mentioning her name or making us look at her? (Ugh!)  Okay, your readers are now convinced you must be on the Hilton payroll.

Dear Way Wrong:
Just because Kathy Hilton has me on speed dial doesn’t mean either of us take the calls, darlin’.

Helen Hunt

Tony Barson/

Dear Ted:
Botox-Bang = Helen Hunt. That's an easy one, no?

Dear Smarty Pants:
Easy to get wrong, maybe! Think younger, more fresh faced, less accomplished.

Anne Hathaway

Nancy Kaszerman/

Dear Ted:
Okay, I think I finally have one of these right! Is Blood E. Nostril Anne Hathaway? She can't be the "Princess" she seems to be!
  Hickory, North Carolina                               

Dear Pun Stunner:
Very good guess, my crumb-smooch, as Anne does have that squeaky-clean rep down pat, but alas, she ain’t your gal. Think more of a tabloid least lately.

Tiffani Thiessen

Jerome Ware/ZUMA

Dear Ted:    
I think Blood E. Nostril is no other than Tiffani Thiessen. She always played a good girl on Saved by the Bell, and now all the characters she plays are totally different. Please tell me I am right on this one!!
  Hilliard, Ohio

Dear Wishful Thinking:
Is poor Tiffers even on anyone’s radar anymore? She’s certainly not the gal we’re gossin’ about, ‘kay?

  • Share
  • Tweet
  • Share

We and our partners use cookies on this site to improve our service, perform analytics, personalize advertising, measure advertising performance, and remember website preferences. By using the site, you consent to these cookies. For more information on cookies including how to manage your consent visit our Cookie Policy.