The Morning After: Lost Redux!

So, now that you've seen last night's season premiere (wheee!), we have much to discuss, my fellow Lost-aholics. First I’ll give you my reaction, then reveal spoilers you won’t find anywhere else, and we'll top it off with a recap from the most famous Lost expert, whose whereabouts are currently unknown...

REACT:

Okay. If they're gonna stick Josh Holloway in a cage and treat him like an animal, can they at the very least bring him to my house and let him be my love slave? Jeez. The poor boy deserves better treatment than dehydration and a fish biscuit. I'd feed him champagne and strawberries and whipped cream off my back si … but I digress.

Tonight’s episode was pretty dang phenomenal, especially the first five minutes, with that cool little book club. Did you notice Juliet’s favorite book was Carrie? Well, something tells me that telekinetic theme will come into play--not to mention the whole rebellion thing. (Stand by for Juliet in a prom dress getting drenched in blood.)

That Easter egg aside, I can tell you I’m certain that the guy in the hospital bed in Jack's flashback was not Mr. Friendly and the woman in the school yard was not Juliet. But then again, I could have sworn that Portugese guy in the Hatchcicle last season was Matthew Fox (it wasn't), so clearly, girlfriend needs an eye exam.

Meanwhile, a few of you have emailed in to let me know about the freakiest photo on the official ABC site. Go to http://abc.go.com/primetime/lost/galleries and click on Season 3. Then click through to photo 33. Then tell me who the frickity frick frak is that creepy little girl standing in the corner of the room?! Clearly, something was cut from the episode. And, ooh, hey, remember those photos that were being passed around on the web a few weeks ago, with Jack giving CPR to a little girl on the playground? Was that her? Perhaps the whole angle of that episode was cut? Hmmm … Please help me figure this one out by posting your comments below. Thank you.

Also, after looking through the pics I'm sure of one thing: That dude in the cage was a plant by the Others to show Sawyer what would happen to him if he escaped. This is so splitting hairs, but you know how Mr. Friendly's beard looked fake when we first met him and – voilà! -- it was? Well, this dude's makeup looks far too shabby for ABC's big budget. (And if I’m wrong, somewhere, a makeup artist is getting fired. Whoops.)

REVEAL:

[Warning: There are mild Spoilers in this section. If you don't want to know, skip to "Recap."] There's a whole lotta animalistic behavior going on on Lost island, am I right? The cages, the biscuits, the panting, the tricks. And that will only continue in the next few episodes ... I can tell you that the "training" has most definitely begun for our Losties and will continue for at least a few more episodes. By the time they’re through, they’ll be able to hop on one foot and rub their bellies while patting their heads. Pretty damn impressive.

Also, if you thought Benry (the artist formerly known as Henry Gale and now “Ben”) was bad … Well … let’s just say that very soon, we'll meet another Other (that's fun to say, word to your Other) who is more blatantly bad (and not in an M. Jackson way). I’m talking violent. He won't be so nice to Sawyer. You’ll hate him. And rightfully so.

And next week, it's all about the triumphant return of our beloved Locke! He's going for a big fall, and he'll encounter some long lost friends along the way. Boone shocka locka.

RECAP:

Now, without further adieu, a great little addition to these here weekly Lost Reduxes (Reduxs? Redi? Redi Whip?): Our very own Lost expert (I defy you to find one better!), Dr. Anna Graham, has just messaged in her take on last night's episode. I'm unsure of her whereabouts at the moment, but I did hear Portuguese and Jack's father’s voice crackling in the background of the transmission ...

LOST 3.01: 'A Tale of Two Cities'
Recap by Dr. Anna Graham

We open in a world that could be called Midwestern pastoral. Wholesome types, led by the lovely Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell), gather to eat slightly blackened muffins and discuss their book club’s book of the month: A Shoutout [Kristin's Note: I thought it was Carrie?! That's what my Tivo showed anyway], by Stephen King. Suddenly, an earthquake rocks the group out of their recliners and into the safety of doorways at Juliet's urging, and then gather in the Stepford town square to see an airborne 747 shatter and die.

Fenry immediately takes charge, and chop-chop sends Ethan and Goodwin in opposite directions for survivor infiltration. "I want lists in three days!"  We presume he means a list of the good people, the bad people and the ugly people, and we can predict with absolute certainty that he will only come up wanting in that last category.

An ultrawide establishing shot shows us the Others' home, sweet little Stepford, nestled in the jungle and, in two distant points of the landscape, the smoking wreckage of Oceanic 815.

After the credits, we Jackback to Los Angeles, where our hero seems to be stalking his ex-wife-to-be, Sarah (Julie Bowen). The song playing on the radio while he lurks in the car and shoots daggers from his eyes is Glenn Miller's Moonlight Serenade, which the Interweb helpfully points out is the same song Sayid and Hurley picked up last season on the repaired radio. (Trivia: Glenn Miller died in a plane crash.) The sound of rushing traffic tosses us back into the present day. Jack is in a green room, looking like death warmed over and strutting and fretting his hour upon this stage.

Cut to: Claire. Just kidding. Cut to Kate, passed out on the cold tile floor of an unfamiliar locker room. She awakes to the unfortunate visage of Zeke (M.C. Gainey). He insists that she take a shower. She vows that she's not showering in front of him. And he replies, in turn, "You're not my type." Since Evangeline Lilly is every straight male and questioning/curious female on the planet's type, I'm gonna assume that means Zeke's got a queer eye! Yay for the gay! Anyway, the door slams, Kate peels off the bandage covering a red, inflamed puncture wound, and we swing away to...

Sawyer, who is passed out on the leaf-strewn floor of a cage. He awakes, cranky, disgruntled and blinking against the sun shining through the trees. On the other side, there is a second cage, containing a sullen teenager. Sawyer turns his attention to the wacky, rusty contraption at the back of his cell. The kid across the way says, "I wouldn't do that." Sawyer mouths off at the kid, punches the contraption and is promptly electrocuted for his trouble. Sawyer delivers his first "son of a bitch!" of the season.

Back in Jack’s green room, a woman enters from the hallway. She is secured behind the glass wall that separates them. They can see each other and talk while remaining politely segregated and non-touchy. "Hi Jack, I'm Juliet." (Jacket? Juck?)

Jackback the second: Jack and Sarah are meeting to work out the legal details of some increment of their separation and divorce. Jack badgers Sarah for the name, rank and serial number of her paramour; she gently refuses, seemingly helpless in the face of Jack's near-rageaholic behavior. This Jack hasn't hit rock bottom yet, but he appears well on his way.

Kate meanwhile, has enjoyed one of her famous showers. She emerges to find her clothes missing, replaced with a low-cut floral-print dress. Kate looks at the dress with the same expression of revulsion that would appear on Martha Stewart's face should one of her precious Himalayan cats deposit a half-eaten garden mole in Martha's brand-new bedroom slippers.

Kate puts on the dress and is led by Zeke and some cronies to a seaside brunch with Fenry. The vibe is essentially Lestat Goes to Polynesia --everything's very lovely and very evil. He tells her the beauty and peace of this moment is meant to help carry her through what's to come. "Because, Kate, the next two weeks? Are going to be very unpleasant."

Jackback the third: The good doctor has gotten ahold of Sarah's phone and is calling all the numbers in memory. Christian enters and confronts his son about his turn toward the intensely antisocial; Jack ignores dad and continues his investigation. Jack dials the next number on the list, and right there in the room, Christian's cell rings. Christian urges his son to chill, saying, "Let it go, Jack."

Green Room: Jack in the box attacks the staticky intercom. It Whispers (yes, capital W 'Whispers') “Let it go, Jack.” Juliet brings in grilled cheese and lies. There is snarky banter, and Juliet asks questions to which she already knows the answers. Jack, in an unusual fit of intuition, entertains her with lies of his own. He tells her his occupation is “repo man” and that he never married, “never saw the worth.”

Jackback the fourth: Jack spies Christian getting a phone call, follows him to a 12-step program meeting and confronts him with the Sarah-schtupping story. Christian says he understands obsession; Jack tells him liquor doesn’t count as an obsession. Christian doesn’t correct him and fill him in on Claire--because the time is not yet right. (I’m making up that last bit, but I think it’s meant to be in the subtext.) Anyhoo, the situation devolves into fisticuffs--because, hey, why not?

Green Room: As Juliet opens the door to Jack’s section of the room, he hulks out and pile-drives her (no, not like that). Jack takes her by the throat, drags her for a while and eventually re-enacts some of the better flooding-hallway scenes from Titanic. Fenry shows up for no good reason except to hang Juliet out to dry. Or out to drown, as the case may be. Dun-dun-dun!

Back where the caged birds once sang, Sawyer’s getting his McGuyer on and figures out how to work the contraption in his cell. It serves up John Philip Souza, kibble, a fish-shaped cracker abomination and what appears to be the kind of reclaimed gray water you're always warned is just for the landscaping and not for human consumption.

At this moment, Zeke rolls into town with Kate in his clutches. Zeke puts her in the kid's empty cage. Kate looks stark raving miserable. Sawyer's absolutely stupid happy to be back in her company (emphasis on stupid). Kate's wrists appear to be shredded raw by the handcuffs, and she writhes around emotionally throughout the scene, trying to hide her internal disorder from Sawyer. Suffice it to say, Sawyer gives Kate his biscuit, and it’s all extremely adorable and not a little reminiscent of The Lady and the Tramp.

Back to the good doctor, who awakes to the realization that "It's an aquarium." He pulls sharks out of his ass; Juliet sees his sharks and raises him dolphins. Okay then. She tells him they're in Dharma Station Hydra. Juliet has a giant folder in her possession. She tells Jack she knows everything about him and wants to know what Jack wants to know. Jack isn't sure so he checks with the nearest flashback for a few ideas.

Jackback the fifth: Jack's in jail, presumably charged with assault because he beat up some or all of the anonymous alcoholics. Sarah springs him, and Jack's a freaking one-way street, so he takes this entirely awkward opportunity to continue haranguing Sarah about the identity of her lovah. She shuts Jack down and goes off with a fella who may or may not be said lovah. She leaves him with the knowledge that his daddy is off the wagon as of today, a day that could have been the 51st day of his sobriety.

Juliet--who's still selling herself as an angel of goodness, light and mercy -- tells Jack what he wants to hear: that Sarah is happy, very happy. She then guides him into the corner, right where she wants him, and where he huddles, alone and grieving. She exits to get food and water and is met by --Ben (the artist formerly known as Henry Gale). He gives her an "attagirl"; she's still a bit miffed about her recent near-drowning.

And with that, hour one of season three comes to a close. Prospects for this year seem excellent, IMHO.

Promo for Next Week: Zeke shoots Sun off the deck off the sailboat. Not cool, dude. Not cool.