Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, Jack Osbourne, Kelly Osbourne

AP Photo/Gus Ruelas

The OsbournesJack, Kelly, Sharon and Ozzy—are returning to the confines of your home television set this fall with an as-yet untitled variety show for Fox. If you are unable to remember a time before remote controls and call waiting, chances are the term variety show brings little to no meaning to your eye- and ear holes. But for a young Clog Narter, the memories of a spangle-suited Donny & Marie still linger. Especially at night, when it is dark and we are alone.

The planned hourlong program will feature musical performances from the Osbourne family and celebrity guests, along with comedy sketches, audience participation, pretaped location segments and even possible game show elements. In other words, every kind of thing there is.

Though we're not encouraged by much of what we see on television these days, there's something about this show that has us feeling very nearly optimistic. (We think that's what this feeling is, anyway. It could also be the result of the street-meat bacon-dog we ate last night.) Oh, we'll almost certainly be disappointed by the results, but our imagination is fairly buzzing with the possibilities right now.

For example, the producers haven't decided on a name for the program yet, but what's wrong with The Osbourne Family Sing-Along Ding-Dong Yoo-Hoo Spectacular All-Star Showbiz Variety Hour? Also, who will be the guests on the first show? Is Paul Lynde still alive? If not, can we bring him back from the grave because a cooking segment between him and Ozzy would be amazing! Oh, and Muppets! Just look at Kelly and Jack, they're about 60 percent Muppet already.

Well, the point is, the Fox network had better not blow this golden opportunity, or they're just going to end up with another American Idol on their hands. And we all know what a huge albatross that thing is.

Who are you, and what do you think about all of this? Excited or exhausted? Energetic or enervated? Enthusiasm or ennui?

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