Miley Cyrus

Theo Wargo/

The nominees for the Miley Cyrus hosted 2008 Teen Choice Awards were announced yesterday and securing the most was—parents take note—the CW's hit emetic, Gossip Girl. Chris Brown—who, apparently, is someone—secured nine nominations for whatever it is that he does.

Yes, we could type his name into a Googlehootube, but what's the point? Obviously, we're not a teenager anymore and, furthermore, we will deny having ever been one. Therefore, this whole thing is decidedly not for us, and we probably wouldn't have even mentioned it except that one of the 64 categories caught our eye.

Whoa, hold it. That last sentence. Did you notice the amount of categories in this thing? 64. That's the equivalent of three Oscar telecasts, and, yes, we're counting the Short Subject, Animated category. We thought teenagers were all supposed to have ADHD. How are they possibly going to be able to sit through this show without taking steroids or cutting themselves?

In any case, to get back on topic, take a look at this category:

Choice TV: Personality

  • Heidi Klum, Project Runway
  • Lil Mama, America's Best Dance Crew
  • Ryan Seacrest, American Idol; E! News
  • Simon Cowell, American Idol
  • Tyra Banks, America's Next Top Model

Probably, you can't help but notice a certain glaring omission there. "What are you talking about? Lil Mama's right below Heidi Klum." We're not referring to Lil Mama. Where, oh precious birds of youth, is Joel McHale? Would it help if we retitled the show America's The Soup?

To make sure that this oversight never happens again we attempted to uncover exactly how these nominations are determined, but that is a secret more closely guarded than the plot of a Harry Potter novel. (Hint: They all escape in a hot-air balloon.) So, we have no other choice than to ask that you, our loyal viewers, swarm en masse to the Gibson Amphitheatre in Universal City, Calif., on Sunday, Aug. 3 and do everything in your power to disrupt the ceremony until adequate restitution is made.

The choice is yours, Teen Choice Awards, you can either put Joel on the ballot right now and without delay, or you can put 20 bucks in an envelope c/o Clog Narter and we'll forget the whole thing. Check and mate.

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