Valerie Macon/Getty ImagesDear Ted:
Who would you rather have a gossipy lunch with, J.Lo or Jennifer Garner? You seem to be sniffing your nose at both lately.
—Ellen, Columbus, Ohio
Dear Decline a Date:
Is neither an option? If not, Lopez. I could hold my own with that diva.
Dear Ted:
I am an avid reader of the Awful Truth and have been a loyal subscriber to both E! Online and the E! Channel. I am convinced that Toothy Tile is Matthew McConaughey. Am I correct?
—Alt
Dear Sure Thing:
Sorry, but you got the wrong surfer, dude.
Dear Ted:
You should probably know that there is an individual who is posing as you, sending out fake emails to Twilight communities using your name.
—Muckalina
Dear Copycat:
Fascinating! What kinds of things are being said? Only the truth, I hope.
Dear Ted:
I'm hooked on Awful Truths. Anyway, just watched James Franco in Milk. Is he or isn't he Toothy Tile?
—Tarquinius
Dear Speaking Franco:
What makes you ask?
Dear Ted:
Just saw a picture of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo (don't really know why) and have two questions: (a) Why doesn't anyone ask Jessica Simpson about his weight, and (b) what happened to Vanessa's face? It looks like she either has been drinking way too much or visiting Priscilla Presley's silicone-loving surgeon.
—Jasmolak
Dear Vanillo:
Haven't seen V in ages, but if some of the stresses that we hear Nick is putting on her are true, it's no wonder she would already needs some clinical help.
Dear Ted:
Do you think that irony is lost on Angelina? For someone who's held a grudge against her father for ditching her mom, do you think she will ever recognize that she's given Jen the same cross to bear as her late mother? Or will she keep on pretending that Jen should get over something that even she can't?
—Mnemonix
Dear Hippocritic Oath:
It's a drop in the bucket. Angie's clearly got to look deep in herself to get over a lot of issues.
Dear Ted:
One Straight Little Prick Blind Vice—I'm thinking Jeremy Piven for this one. He makes me think slimy, nasty and worse.
—Momma Kris
Dear Prickle:
Dead-on doll, but not for this vice.
Dear Ted:
Martha Stewart's florist was recently on her show. Turns out, it's Peter Party from The (White) Rapper show. Also, he posed nude for some shady magazine. The photos are hilarious. Maybe he posed nude because he needed the money. He also stripped for some show on Fuse. I wonder what Martha would think?
—Braun
Dear Nude Patrol
Ew, yuck with dork sauce!
Dear Ted:
Is Morgen Mayhem Rose McGowan? Has this crazy dame been one of your columns blind vices?
—Julie
Dear Whittled Rose:
Rose may seem like a disaster, but she has it much more together than M.M.
Dear Ted:
Re: Ashton Ass Wipe. Bravo! You kick ass! Many thanks for saying what I'm sure many of your readers were thinking when subjected to that dickhead's crap. By the way, would this family be in any of your Blind Vices? Love You!
—Janice T, Toronto
Dear Ass Praise:
But of course, dear! A few generations of them.
Dear Ted:
Hi, Tedalicious! Just watched your latest Truth, Lies, & Ted video, lol! You mentioned Kellan being a slut, but I'm a Rob fangirl, so I could care less! But then you said something about Rob defanging Stewart. Are you for real or are you just amusing yourself by tormenting me? Do you actually know that something sexy has happened between the two?
—Robert-ah
Dear Vampire Leash:
With her rep and his sexiness, how could it not have happened? Rob's the adventurous type, shall we say...a boyfriend wouldn't stop him.
Dear Ted:
Since you informed us that most Hollywood men are either gay or bisexual, I was curious to know whether a list could be made of Hollywood men who are strictly heterosexual. My guesses: Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman, Mel Gibson, and Brad Pitt. Your thoughts?
—Amy Chicago
Dear Straight Shooter:
One of those might be questionable.
Dear Ted:
You said that Toothy Tile is so far in the closet at the moment that he would pass any script with a topic related to homosexuality. Would Gray Goose do the same?
—Jay
Dear Good for the Goose:
No.