The Bachelorette Keeps on Chugging In Spite of Everything

Two rose ceremonies began and ended a night of fake love declarations and gold booty shorts on the ABC reality show

By Lauren Piester Jun 19, 2018 3:15 AMTags

Sigh. Just a really big, audible, makes everyone ask what's wrong with you, SIGH. 

Five days after we found out that one of the contestants is a convicted sex offender, The Bachelorette still had to air, and we found ourselves struggling with enjoying it the same way we have in the past. It got particularly bad while Becca was on a one-on-one date with Garrett—he of the offensive Instagram likes—and then we also kept cutting to Lincoln revealing that (on top of being a sex offender) he believes the earth is flat. 

The combination of these two scenes was extremely hard to stomach, and by the time Becca was telling Garrett that he reminds her of her dad a little bit, we were ready to throw in the towel. Can we just start this whole thing over with an entirely new cast?? 

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That date with Garrett was followed by a huge group date in which a bunch of dudes tried to prove their dudeliness by chopping wood and throwing axes, declaring their intention to separate the men from the boys and making fun of the fact that Jordan was better at last week's nail polish than he was at activities involving an ax. We're not the biggest fans of Jordan, but it's 2018 and men don't have to wield axes to be men!

At least Becca also expertly threw an ax and chopped some wood herself, while also explaining that when other 14 year-old girls were falling for Leonardo DiCaprio, she was falling for the lumberjacks.

We have a lot of questions about Becca's tween life and how many lumberjacks she actually knew at that time, but we guess it's good to know these dates are being built around things she's actually into. Or things she was into when she was 14. 


After that manly display, it was cocktail party time. And it was terrible. 

For some reason, Becca had gifted Male Model Jordan with a pair of gold booty shorts, and so when he sat down to talk to her, he took off his pants to show them off. Weirdly, that's almost a reasonable thing to do. She gave them to him and then asked about them, after all. 

But then when Colton, who's deemed himself Captain Good Guy, saw Jordan running around in gold booty shorts, he got so mad. How disrespectful to Becca! And friends, somehow we're on the side of Male Model Jordan here, mostly because he didn't shadily date one of Becca's friends (as far as we know). 

Meanwhile, Colognisseur Jean Blanc was getting frustrated. He just wanted his relationship with Becca to really get going even though they had barely spoken to each other, so he tried a couple of different things. First, he gave her some perfume called "Miss Becca Blanc," even though he knows she wants to hyphenate her name. 

Then, he came back later and professed that he was falling in love with Becca. Her response was not good. She was not into it, and not happy that he would profess such a thing so early. And it ended up really backfiring for Jean Blanc, because Becca simply tried to send him home. 

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Then he brought up the gift he had given her earlier, and the fact that she seemed so appreciative, and confessed that he just thought telling her he was falling in love with her was what she wanted to hear. So then she was mad about him not being honest, and not about him being in love with her when she was so clearly not in love with him. So he went home no matter what, and Becca was so annoyed that she cancelled the cocktail party rose. 

She was also already annoyed before her one-on-one with Wills, who has slowly emerged as one of our few faves of the season, and he remains a fave. He's just nice, and normal, and he didn't say anything weird, and so far we haven't found out he's a bad person, and that's what it takes for us right now to like someone on this show. He also has a Harry Potter tattoo, which is fun. 

After Wills got a rose, Becca canceled the next cocktail party and went straight to the next rose ceremony to say goodbye to a couple of guys whose names we never knew. Lincoln remained, as did Male Model Jordan, who was pissed about being named last.

Lucky for all of us, he probably won't make it much longer since he and Chicken get to fight it out in a two-on-one next week. We can't wait, but we could also wait a very long time for another episode of this show. 

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. 

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