Don’t think it was easy though, between the overwhelming thud of DJ AM’s gargantuan woofers (second only to Muniz’s woofings at Pare-poo) and Ms. H.’s beefy goon-guards, but chat we did. Oh, and did I forget to tell all you goss gals ‘n’ guys P made a play for my partner, Jon?
You are such a hypocrite. I see you wasted no time in mentioning Isaiah Washington's "F" remark in your piece on Ellen Pompeo, but still, ne'er a word on Jerry Lewis using the same word. Was it a black thing with you?
Sonia
San Diego
Uh, no, it's a he's so old and out of it, clearly he's senile thing—not to mention, Lewis ain't exactly my beat. Do you see me doing items on hideous toe tapper Larry Craig, for ince? Regardless, you are correct. I need to denounce Lewis' stupidity, just as I do Washington's. My apologies for not doing so sooner.
Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Bill Clinton.
Laura
Lake Butler, Florida
Hope you're joking, 'cause Billy-boy is about as hetero as they come. Just ask stained-dress Monica Lewinsky. T2's far more likely to be the one wearing the skirt.
Hmmm....my first guess ever at a Blind Vice! Could Bored Broomhilda from One Anchovies On the Side Blind Vice be Drew Barrymore?
Meridith
Austin, Texas
Not a terrible first try, but wrong-a-roonie just the same, sweetie-cakes. B.B. does come from a semifamous fam, though, just like Drew B.
The first couple I thought of in the One Anchovies on the Side Blind Vice was Anne Heche and James Tupper. She certainly seems to go in whatever direction she thinks will move her career along.
Lyle
Anchorage, Alaska
Anne did like the ladies back in the day (reportedly), but she's not our girlie-gunnin' gal. Unlike Annie 'n' James, Bored 'n' Buzz are still together...for now.
Finally understand what you've been saying about Justin Timberlake. He canceled the concert I'm supposed to be at tonight at the last minute because of "vocal strain." Considering the VMAs were last night...no explanation needed. The fact that he would do that (to fans who spent a good deal of money, mind you) just because he had to stay out partying all night is disgusting. Doesn't he know who got him to where he is now? Think he's due for a Britney-type karma payback anytime soon?
Lucy
Sacramento, California
Sorry you didn't get to see J.T. onstage, but Justin actually didn't grace any VMA after-parties at all and instead opted to hit his hotel room early with Jessica Biel. Maybe the boy's actually sick? Or just schtupped out? Isn't that a good enough excuse?
Dear Ted:
Oh wise one, what is your take on Brad Pitt's sudden urge to explain his leaving Jennifer Aniston...and why now?
Dianne
Dallas
Maybe our boy's having dumper's remorse? Or maybe he read in the rags that Angie was overheard talkin' smack about him and wanted to piss her off? With dudes being so predictable as they are, though, I vote the former. Plus, clearly, he sees the same will be done to him?
I hate to keep bringing up her name, but is Britney Spears Broomhilda? If not Britney, then Paris Hilton? Either way, I wouldn't be shocked. Not in Hell-Ay.
Marcy
Dallas
Broom's not Brit or Paris...she's actually a little older but gets just as many (if not more) tabloid headlines. Can you possibly imagine?
Maybe Nicole Kidman is yapping away in Vanity Fair now because she's still trying to one-up Tom? She's just using her new husband to put that "I'm still young and desirable" thing out there. She's jealous of TomKat.
Dawn
Tampa, Florida
Interesting theory, but jealous of Katie, I assure you Nic is not.
Dear Ted:
Congratulations on your pending nuptials, and please leave Barbara Bush out of the gab crossfire. She has a hard enough time, as it is, and I know/suspect/feel, deep down in your heart, you're not that cold. Buddy boy (GWB) has his coming soon enough with what is sure to be a horrible report card in history.
Don
Austin/Georgetown, Texas
Oh please, don't you know Babs has the biggest potty mouth of all them designing Bushes? Wouldn't cry for her, babes, if I were you.
Did Toothy Tile break up Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams?
Gabriella
West Hollywood, California
Nice try, but, uh, no.
Naughty Teddy, you tease us with David Beckham penis paydirt...then neglect to tell us how big his little Beckham is! So, is he a tripod or a teeny weenie? Inquiring minds must know!
Rebecca
Chicago
Look on the Internet, darlin', it ain't phallic shopped, I assure you.
Dear Ted:
"[Bush]...likes to send our soldiers off to be killed..." Wow. Way, way below the belt and just plain wrong, even coming from you. I love everything about your column, except for your hatred of our president and your love of Paris Hilton. I overlook a lot, but even you can't seriously believe your own idiotic comment?
Carolann
Tupelo, Mississippi
Try me. (And don't think Sally Field would disagree with me, either.)