Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Get the salacious scoop on Jennifer Lopez's latest lusty video...the single is new, but the concept is about as beat out as one of Britney Spears' weaves! Plus, Eve performs with a questionable accessory, Paris can't make up her friggin' mind and Val Kilmer pisses off peeps at an A-list premiere!

Out-of-work actors, street-corner regulars and die-hard Jennifer Lopez fans, have we got news for you. They’re casting for J.Lo’s new music video. Gonna be shot by none other than David LaChapelle, and Marc Anthony will not be making a cameo, so the air’s confirmed to be super sex-ay. And instead of trying to connect with her Puerto Rican heritage, as she did semibadly in El Cantante, J.Lo just wants to slut it up this time around. Which are her real roots, right? Without further ado, we present excerpts from said condom-ready call:

"It’s a sexy, sweaty underworld through which Jennifer struts with all the street-tough style of a ghetto goddess, channeling Pam Grier in films like Foxy Brown. She’s a vision of a badass street vixen, starring in a modern take on Sweet Charity.”

Uh, Earth to J.Lo: This video (for “Do It Well,” one assumes) sounds like it’s headed for success as much as your last flick effort. I mean, did you catch Molly Ringwald in her stage debacle redo of Charity? Reviews were about as kind as you and M.A. got for El, just so ya know.

Continues the help-wanted ad for dancers ’n’ such: “This is a world of danger, where everything is colored in shades of gold, from dark to light, but still dirty and gritty. Walls are made of cinder block, painted gold and covered in graffiti. Furniture is chipped and tarnished gold. The world Jennifer has entered is a seedy ghetto harem." More par-ticks:

Hookers
Background / Male or Female / All Ethnicities / 18-90
Badd Ass Girls / Guygirl...to Shoot with David LaChapelle...will be an amazing opportunity...However, expect the unexpected...This is creating true art... Wardrobe: Street Hooker
Rate: $150 + 20%

Call Girls/Hookers
Featured / Male or Female / All Ethnicities / 18-90
This is it! How much description is needed really...pregnant...seven feet tall...blue hair...shaved head...sexy as hell fierce!!! Transsexual or cross-dresser.
Wardrobe: Honeyyyyy / Come Kill It
Rate: $250 + 20%

Pimps
Featured / Male / All Ethnicities / 18-90
In knowing this artist, and his work...we are seeking men from all walks of life!!! From edgy to badass...to fat...to skinny...to tattooed...scarred...Very character driven...Think Al Pacino, Scarface...Robert De Niro, Taxi Driver
Wardrobe: The role description says it all!!!
Rate: $250 + 20%

Uh, I realize the above lingo sounds like it’s straight outta the Awful Truth archives, but dollfaces, trust, the masterpiece prose you’ve just perused appears courtesy actorsaccess.com, which, if the goss blogs are blowin’, you can always count on for true ironic news o’ the day.

Gosh, doesn’t this new J.Lo project sound like the perf next pro step for Lindsay Lohan, post-post-postrehab, on the heels of her latest stripper-movie bomb?

And what the ef’s goin’ on with yet more pimp ’n’ ho shoots? Doesn’t everybody know that’s so last Brit and K-Fed wedding party?

Jennifer, now I’m beginning to understand why you and Jane Fonda didn’t get along during the making of Monster-in-Law—a falling out I’m still hearing ’bout. I mean, that Fonda bitch has megatalent, not just the loud mouth ’n’ bitchin' bod you love to peddle so. J.F.’s onscreen cojones must have intimidated you (as I’m told they most certainly did), but is that any reason to backtrack into your slutty couture Diddy days of yore?

You were great in Out of Sight, remember? You had great presence with no less than George Clooney. You held your own. You deferred, on occasion. You didn’t try to dominate an Academy Award-winning actor with your Jenny from the Block shtick, think ya can do it again?

Hope so. This just ain’t how.

Val Kilmer, drunk on somethin’ at the 11th Hour premiere Wednesday. ArcLight theater. T-town. The onetime Batman, clad in black from head to tubby toe with granny-style spectacles, demanded to be given guest passes for his two kids, even though V.K.’s motley crew only included a blond quasi babe ’n’ tatted up and other Lopez-esque sleazy types. “He had only RSVP'd for one,” reported our annoyed worker-bee witness. “He was acting drunk and irrational.” Hmmm...next time, save the sauce for the soiree, ’kay, Val? Also imbibin’ in an altogether diff fashion, but on the same coast, was...

Hayden Christensen, gettin’ his mornin’ mug o’ coffee at Starbucks Friday. Beverly Drive. The Star Wars jedi enjoyed his cup o’ joe alone, lyin’ low in jeans ‘n’ a scraggly tee. “He went unnoticed by most,” reported Desk Double Latte. Wonder where gal-pal Rachel Bilson was? Prolly in a much less buzzed state elsewhere, we presume. Less lonerish nearby was...

Hilary Swank, makin’ it a movie night at the AMC theater Sunday. Century City. Hell-Ay. The Oscar-winnin’ femme—decked down in a tee, zip-up jacket ’n’ drawstring pants—was accompanied by a shaded mystery man ’n’ a little boy. “She was very busy chattin’ away,” one movie eye reported. Also noticed, Hil-doll’s major bedhead. “Girl needed a comb.” More coiffed elsewhere was...

Ken Paves, gettin’ his grub on, or at least trying to at the Cheesecake Factory Tuesday. Nine peeyem. The Grove. Donnin’ a black V-neck tee, gray denim ‘n’ white tennies, the hair-care extraordinaire, who had every blond strand in place, natch, had a young boy ’n’ a small group in tow, sans puss-partnuh Jessica Simpson. “It looked like family,” reported our food-service source. “He came up to the desk, talked for a sec and then left.” Didn’t make reservations, Ken-babe? Try callin’ ahead next time (that’s if you’re gonna show up without Jess, ’course)!

It’s no secret that E! throws some pretty fun fetes, and our Midsummer Night’s Eve bash on Monday night was no exception. Last year, Ludacris performed, and this year, we had Eve in the house. After being introduced by jovial bigwigs (including E!’s head wigger himself, Ted Harbert), the recent DUI diva put on quite a show.

The rappin’ babe hit the stage clad in a short ’n’ tight, leathery number, her bleached-blond hair perfectly curled (thanks to Ken Paves, who kept a watchful eye on his coif work from below). Most of the party peeps seemed into Eve’s performance and were shakin’ their booties while trying not to spill their cocktails.

Funny thing though, a few eagle-eyed audience members couldn’t figure out if the accessory on Eve’s ankle was her SCRAM alcohol-monitoring bracelet or her microphone pack. We tend to the think the former, for a few reasons. First of all, who would strap a mike pack to their ankle, anyway? Sounds like an audio accident à la Ashlee Simpson just waiting to happen. And second of all, Eve got court orders to don the device for 45 days not too long ago. Guess that means during concerts, too!

Camp Evie, what say you?

Anyway, the SCRAM thang didn’t work too well for Lindsay Lohan, but it seems to be doing the trick for Eve. Maybe Britney Spears should sport one and have the hourly reports sent back to Kevin Federline’s lawyer, who’s been slapping a plethora of peeps close to Brit with legal papers. The B-babe better do somethin' before they start subpoenaing the workers at her favorite Taco Bell drive-through, ay caramba!

Oh, Paris Hilton, as long as we’re in such a damn preachy mood, we must say we think you need a little PR guidance. See, you’ve been doing a decent job lately cleaning up your jailbird act: You’ve been hitting myriad charity events, volunteering at hospitals and getting snapped holding adorable doggies and toddlers. We give you props for trying to clean up your raging get-down-gal image, but g-friend, we gotta tell you, we don’t quite buy it.

Let’s rewind to the Forest Ethics screening of The 11th Hour you hit with Adrian Grenier. Like, it’s totally awesome that you came and waxed enthusiastically about saving the environment and going green along with your new biodegradable lingerie line (okay, we made that last one up). But you didn’t even stay to see the friggin’ movie! Knowledge is power, babydoll, and if you really care about environmental issues, you shoulda peeped the flick and boned up your eco IQ.

Also, you had a little party at your Malibu pad this weekend. It was a most eclectic mix, with Macy Gray, Elliot Mintz and aunt Kyle Richards all in attendance. You even had a bunch of fams 'n' kiddies running around, playing with some presh animals, like it was Paris’ Personal Petting Zoo or somethin’. Yep, you posed for perf pics. But paps also snapped you smoking yet another suspicious-looking something that very same day.

We all know how much Paris loves her some hand-rolled spliffs, but doesn’t P realize smoking around babies is bad? Just use a little common sense in your clean-up act, babe, and you’ll be giving Mother Teresa a run for saintly status in no time!