Mouthy Musings

Gettin' mean 'n' green at the 11th Hour screening, Paris dishes on what she and sometimes BFF Nicole Richie have been gabbin' about lately—'n' no, it doesn't directly involve boys 'n' toys. Plus, find out how P. Hil plans to one-up Kim Kardashian. Also back with a vengeance in today's mailbag mumblings are you readers, who are itchin' for the tawdry truth...

Let’s get back to that gab we promised ya from Paris at Forest Ethics’ screening of The 11th Hour. Force yourselves, ‘kay? Now, P, who’s been lookin’ very fresh-faced since her stay at Lynwood, had little advice to offer Nicole Richie, who’s headed to the slammer soon herself. “She’s a strong girl,” was all P.H. economically offered when we asked if she’d given Nic any tips on surviving the clink. P-poo said she and N had been, instead, talkin’ about the tyke Nic and Joel Madden are expecting, not behind-bars tips, damn.

“She’ll be an amazing mom,” P.H. enthused. “She has a lot of love and is a really good person and she loves kids. She’s always wanted a bunch [of children, one assumes, not hair extensions], so I’m so excited. I can’t wait to see the baby.”

Wonder if seeing one of her best gal -pals preggers makes Paris maternally minded? The Hilton heiress also claims she’s still environmentally minded, although she won’t be driving that Ford Escape hybrid we talked about last time.

"I’m looking into other ones,” she fessed about her future hybrid ride. “I liked it, but there are better-looking ones.”

Hope ya gave that one ya didn’t like to the gardener, babe. Ms. H also didn’t seem fazed her onetime (human) sidekick Kim Kardashian had landed a show at E!, just days after The Simple Life said buh-bye. “I’m doing a show with a huge network right now,” she snipped. “It’s going to be a surprise.”

Readers, any thoughts on what P’s next boob-tube project should be? How about Pimp My Pooch, where Paris takes critters from the pound and gives the pets fab makeovers and hot outfits from her own canine clothing? Hey, it’s what I did!

Dear Ted:
I live in Minneapolis and had to write re: Mr. & Mrs. Dubya and the fact that she's living in a hotel. She must really be pissed off at him, ‘cause now she's wasting taxpayer money.
  Elaine
  Minneapolis

Dear Tax Ticked:
How do you know who’s paying—you seen Laura’s AmEx bill or somethin’? Do tell—what the hell else is on there? Stripper lessons?

Dear Ted:
Please tell me Bulbous Seymour from One Pansy-Pushing Blind Vice is LL Cool J!
  Tammy
  B-ville, Arkansas

Dear Goss Gal:
Hate to break it to you, hon, but LL ain’t  our mouthy man-lovin’ B.S. He’s just as beefy, but wrong boy-bangin’ crowd.

Dear Ted:
Heart your column! Harkness Hose from One Tush-Tweaked Blind Vice and One Power-Penetrated Blind Vice must be Jeremy Piven.
  Jenny
  Youngstown, Ohio

Dear Like a Sprayer:
Pivs may be a walking erection, but he certainly isn’t our backdoor boy. Think less famous ’n’ sans the minigut.

Dear Ted:
The show Intervention on A&E seems to have a great track record with the people who are ambushed with the surprise interventions, in that they finally sober up and stay sober. I say the cable outfit ambushes the Lohans with an intervention—do ya think it would work?
  Alisa
  Everett, Massachusetts

Dear Counselin' Cutie:
Darling, why not a coproduction with E! and A&E? We could call it True Hollywood Intervention—I see it as an Emmy-nominated franchise.

Dear Ted:
I say it's time for a remake of Valley of the Dolls with Lindsay Lohan as Neely O'Hara. What do you think?
  Pamela
  New York City

Dear Dolled Up:
Valley’s a made-up story (which I adore), babe, not a documentary.

Dear Ted:
When are you going to start reporting about Reese and Jake's reconciliation? You can't say there is no photographic evidence anymore. It's time to join the Reese & Jake party—we want to know what's going on there!
  Jeff
  Los Angeles

Dear Het Bet:
Lemme guess. You also want more gab on Rachel Bilson ’n’ Hayden Christensen, too, right?

Dear Ted:
Let me just say that while both homos and heteros have stereotypes about each other, backdoor entry isn't so taboo anymore for girls. In fact, just about every girl I know is down with it...and about 80 percent of us are married, so we aren't a bunch of "sluts"!
  Sarah
  Bellevue, Ohio

Dear Bummin' Babe:
Oh, I bet tons of ya love some posterior playtime, but many more femmes are not as gung-ho on the selection, trust.

Dear Ted:
Did you see that quote from Kate Hudson in Harper's Bazaar? "As primal beings, men are not supposed to be monogamous. When people ask, ‘Do you believe in monogamy?’ Well, of course that’s what you want. But part of what I love about men is that it’s hard for them to be monogamous.” Does this explain her continued association with, first, Owen and now Dax? And do you agree with her statement?
  Christine
  Denver

Dear Bazaar Happenings:
While Katie-cakes might like ridin’ the polygamous pony, it sure ain’t my cup o’ tea. Not anymore, at least.

Dear Ted:
While there is talk that the nation isn't ready for a female president, is anyone thinking about the fact that we will get two presidents for the price of one if Hillary is elected? It's not like Bill is going to be the type to sit at home eating bonbons and watching soap operas.
  Denise
  California

Dear Dem Dame:
Don't be so sure.

Dear Ted:
I, for one, am growing tired of the Toothy Tile saga. Why should we continue to follow when we know we will never learn the true identity of the faceless shadow?
  Tom
  Mt. Laurel, New Jersey

Dear Pissed:
No worries, doll. If Toothy finds the cojones to finally out his bum-lovin’ tush, then maybe I won’t have to keep torturing everybody. Stay taut-tushed tuned.

Dear Ted:
Regarding the Do Me Meter, if Nicole Richie has an eating disorder (whether she admits to it or not), why on earth would the jackasses that edit your site feel a need to make fun of her eating?
  Nikki
  Toronto, Ontario

Dear Freakin' Femme:
First, it’s my column, so I’m said jackass, and obvs you didn’t take note of our preface! And I also bet you think that if we stopped raggin’ on Lindsay’s overly schnockered issues, she’d get sober faster than you can say “unmangled Mercedes.”