Are there any words more daunting than "a very special three-hour Bachelor event?"
That is longer than a movie that's too long. We've almost never responded positively to anything that was three hours long, unless it was a nap. But you know what? We could have been OK* if tonight was just three hours of Raven's post-orgasm victory tour through Lapland, Finland. Yes, The Bachelor went full 500 Days of Summer on us and forced Raven to do things like high five strange (and probably confused) Finnish people and pet their dogs and kiss fake reindeers after her night with the Turtleneck King.
It was the best worst thing we've ever seen, and that's a term we usually reserve for the plot twists on American Horror Story.
*We're lying. That's a punishment worthy of the bad place on The Good Place, or one of Bonnie's prison worlds on The Vampire Diaries.