Michelle Obama

AP Photo/Alex Brandon

Dear Ted:
What's going on with Téa and Billy Bob? I saw pics of them at the Sundance festival, and I could swear there is more than a friendship relationship going on between those two. I haven't seen Téa look so happy in a long time. She certainly doesn't look like that with David in recent pics of them together.

Dear Smelling Manure:
I'm sure they're just the best of friends, 'cause BBT looked mopey in those pics when Téa left Sundance.

Dear Ted:
We whores over at DListed have heard that Angelina Jolie's ex-bodyguard is due to write a tell-all about her, including the fact that she's been having a liaison with an "infamous female pop star" since just after the birth of Shiloh. Any thoughts on who this might be? The word "infamous" to me points only to one person, but the thought of that is really too horrible to contemplate! (I'm referring to our very own loony bin escapee Britney Spears of course). Any thoughts?

Dear A-list:
Brit has about as good of a chance with Angie as I do. B.S. ain't her type. Also define liaison, please. I mean, in this town and age, does that noun actually have any clout anymore?

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the plug on my "Equality" YouTube vid. I realize it is rather long, but I didn't want to edit the original music. Anyway, next time someone says that Obama didn't support gay marriage, he actually did at one time (up till he ran for president to appease a conservative base?).

Dear Flip-Flopper:
Then why is he going all John Kerry?

Dear Ted:
I've been piecing together your clues—is Lloyd Boy-Toyed Ralph Fiennes?
Hi from New York

Dear Not So Finetastic:
Lloyd isn't quite as dreamy as Ralph, sorry, darlin'. Maybe he used to be? Yeah, he sure did.

Dear Ted: 
Get a life! Go to Iraq or to any war zone area before complaining about Angie! What good have you done lately to your country? Just bitch about everything! What a sad, sad life you have Ted. So sorry for you. You are so jealous of Angie 'coz you are a closet queen! Face it!

Dear Jolie's Minion:
Closet queen? Excuse? Who's flaming blolumn are you writing this to?

Dear Ted:
Prius Crotch-Catch
 must be Lucy Liu!

Dear Missed Catch:
Prius isn't a dark beauty. But she sure as hell is a beaut!

Dear Ted:
Why are the Oscars so boring? They nominate the same people who have been nominated by the Globes. Some year they ought to do something daring and actually think for themselves.

Dear Out of the Box:
Yeah, I mean, where's Hugh Jackman's nod for Australia, just so they could run the damn shirtless scene again?

Dear Ted:  
You know that the Obamas wore bullet proof vests ,don't you? I would certainly look fat if I had to do that. Michelle had that to deal with!

Dear Fit or Fat:
Couldn't she have just put it in a hair band like Hillary did?

Dear Ted: 
I'm disappointed in you for saying Michelle looked fat in her yellow dress on Inauguration Day. It was freaking cold in D.C., and she was probably wearing thermal underwear under her dress! I applaud you for being so vocal when it comes to the disappointment we all share in Obama's choice of Rick Warren, but you've had nothing but nasty, negative things to say about our first family. This is the closest our government has ever come to representing the ideals I cherish, and while Rick Warren was obviously a misstep, it's time to look forward and try to have a positive spirit.
Meredith, Houston, Texas

Dear One for All:
I concur, and I'll concur even more once the change starts happening. But until then, Michelle should maybe start copying Mrs. Biden's shoe taste, ‘cause that babe had it all right at the inauguration. Either that, or just tell us she's expecting, how friggin' fab would that be!

Dear Ted:
Is Crescent Kumquat Adam Levine? God I hope not. Love your blog!

Dear It'll Be Long Before Soon:
Fear not, Kumquat isn't a musician. But he sure sings a pretty tune when he's naked.

Dear Ted:
My question is why do all these readers get pissed off at you and attack you like you're personal friends with all these celebrities? These people seriously need a life. This is a gossip column!

Dear Frenemies:
Apparently we're both misinformed on that score and I'm supposed to be the Katie Couric of entertainment news and just deliver wan asides with facts only.

Dear Ted: 
Lova ya, Ted, but when that reader chimed in about you being like the evil Ann Coulter, it's not a compliment. All it means is that you whine about a politician without any evidence to back it up (such as citing an actual executive order that contradicts his campaign promises). Hate to break it to ya, but so far everything he has done as president is what he said he would—anyone who follows politics knows that. And on another note, we need some serious gossip! Work is busy again, and you normally are the highlight of my day! Is it slow because of Oscar season?

Dear Whiner:
There's plenty of juice this week, sweet stuff, just ask Austin Nichols, Téa Leoni, Billy Bob Thornton, Michelle Obama. And I've only been on the record about one point of record regarding Barack Obama: his refusal to support gay marriage while supporting anti-gay religious zealots. Those are facts.

Dear Ted:
Is P C-C Carrie Underwood? Just wondering...seems kinda obvious. Unless I'm wrong, and then I'm just guessing. Love ya!

Dear Cocky Carrie:
That would be a negative on Carrie. Think slightly older. But just slightly.

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