Guy Ritchie, Madonna

Jason Kempin/

Everybody knows you're supposed to have hot, inappropriate makeup sex after breaking up—before you final, for real break up.

This is a romantic basic, a life lesson 101 for any lover worth his or her weight in used condoms. I'm just sorry Madonna, our savior in all things slutty and smutty (particularly in this saintly, adoptive era of all things loony and Brangelina), went back to the wrong friggin' dude, A-Rod, after ditching his ass, like I first told you all she did!

This was such a waste. Clearly, the boy to head back to her for one more time was that smokin' Brit stud of sexist hairy meat, Guy Ritchie. Man, it should have been the hottest encounter of their near decade together, just enough to get Guy thinking that maybe they should give it another go? And, then—wham!—Madonna dumps again for the final time.

That's how the pros do it. Not get back with these love-smitten puppy dogs in Yankee's clothing, please.

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