Brad Pitt

Paul Edwards/News International/

Dear Ted:
I think Lindsay should date Britney and put herself under Papa Spears' wing. Then he could guide L.L. into a comeback and pave the way for a new career for himself as the troubled starlet guru. Imagine the fireworks Brit and Linds would create!

Dear Good Idea:
Maybe he should have written a parenting book instead of Lynne.

Dear Ted:
So, Brad is going overboard in his latest interview to say nice things about Jen. I can just picture Angie's head exploding over it! Either she's really mad at him for this, or it's all part of a planned publicity stunt to make him look like a good guy for Oscar season. What do you think?

Dear Brangie Plan:
Is anything not planned between these two? That includes kids.

Dear Ted:
With the news of Robert Pattinson dropping out of the indie film Parts Per Billion, I became curious. His manager said it was a time issue with the new Twilight movie, but is there more to it? If Rob dropped out just because he's too big for it now I'd be very upset—it's rude to drop out of a film two weeks before filming is supposed to take place.

Dear Pattinson Pulling Out:
Would you rather him pull out in the middle of shooting? Since it's as obvious as the fact that Bobby's not the hottest Twilight blood sucker that he just doesn't have time for the little flicks, anymore?

Dear Ted:
The only phony around here Ted is you. Everyone knows this. I see you're still holding onto the Toothy Tile fiction. You haven't been humiliated enough, I suppose.

Dear Ersatz Cop:
I'm the fake? Uh, last I checked, I was pretty open about who I'm bedding, unlike Toothy Tile.

Dear Ted:
I've got a great idea! Here's a way to ease your conscience (and the E! legal eagles) about "outing" those in Hollywood who aren't yet ready to come out: How 'bout telling us the names of those few rumored celebrities about which the gay rumors are not true?

Dear Closed Doors:
They're doing that themselves, lest they be thought of as a homo, perish the thought!

Dear Ted:
I think you are one of the meanest people ever. You like to destroy people's credibility. Angelina could do no wrong. Brad Pitt cheats on Jennifer Aniston and he knocks her—is that his guilt talking? Oh no, he has proven he has none. He openly went after Angelina, and it didn't faze Angelina at all, after all, she did it when she went after Billy Bob. Oh, he was married so I guess that's different.

Dear Run-On:
I think you may be slightly deranged, as I'm not exactly certain on all that you're talking about. But I do know Brad sleeps fine at night (but little does he know what awaits him!).

Dear Ted:
Happy '09, Ted! Hope you and the hubby had a fab vacay. Anyhoo, onto the topic at hand: Hohan. What the H is up with that pic of her lunching with pals in L.A.? She looked so skeletal and gaunt! Not sure what's been eating at her, either. Maybe too much crystal, er, Cristal for New Years? What say you?
—Justine, NYC

Dear Word Play:
Haven't you heard? Now she's just popping Sean Penn instead of the bubbly! Too bad the hangover's twice as bad.

Dear Ted:
Bravo! It's about time someone vented their feelings about John Travolta's terrible tragedy. I had the TV on last night and was so disgusted and outraged at the tabloid-type shows that were hyping it up and speculating. I actually found myself yelling at them to shut the f--k up.

Dear Respectful:
I'm with you, babe. It takes a lot to keep my trap shut—this is it.

Dear Ted:
Are Smoky Shooter and Mimi Kitten Josh Brolin and Diane Lane?

Dear Joshin' Around:
Sorry, sweets, think even more gorgeous a pair.

Dear Ted:
Just saw your "Morning Piss" blog for the first time. I know today's entertainment and pop culture is representative of the base of society, but why such a disgusting name?

Dear Precious Ears:
We wake up on the pissy side of the bed each morning, that's why. And we can't hold it in.

Dear Ted:
How often do you suspect stars themselves try to respond to your columns via the comments section? The article on Jeremy Piven had some hilarious comments that screamed 12-year-old, upset, junior high girl, which in turn made me think Piven.

Dear Clever:
Sounds more like someone Piven would hit on. We bet there are a few out there too cowardly to come forward to confront us, but mostly we suspect personal pals doing the dirty work for ‘em.

Dear Ted:
What's with all of Brad Pitt's truthiness suddenly? The magazine pics that show his true age (and more), the quotes about love and loss. I have to say he comes off very sincere and intelligent. Has he exchanged photo ops for publicity talk, or is this the real Brad?

Dear Fool:
Hardly. The real Brad Pitt is somewhere still slobbering, quite messily, over Juliette Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow. This is the new, improved, publicly related and airbrushed Brad, thoughtfully provided to us by Jen ‘n' Angie.

Dear Ted:
Do you think Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman will ever star in a film together again? Do you think it would get their careers back on track? Would Katie and Keith allow it?

Dear Cruise Kidman Reunion?
Don't bet on it. Not even in a sprawling ensemble where they don't even have to appear in the same room together, since on red carpets they'd be forced to congregate. Bruce and Demi starring alongside each other, on the other hand, would be too charming.

Dear Ted:
Once, a long time ago, I joined you when you had your chat and asked if you had a degree in journalism or what. You brushed me off! But I was serious! It's so interesting, especially since it's obvious you're sitting on a wealth of really juicy tidbits. Also, are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner really on the way out, or was that totally sarcasm? Sometimes it's hard to tell with you.

Dear Questioner:
Very sorry. Master's in journalism, NYU. Yep and total yep.

Dear Ted:
Am I the only twisted, naughty one? I saw your headline for Lindsay's story today, "What's Eating Lindsay Lohan?" and I really wanted to scroll down and see "Not Samantha" and that to be it. I adore you!
—Nikki, Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Meal Ticket:
Only thing Sam's eating of Lindsay's right now is her dust.

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