Robert Pattinson

Vince Bucci/Getty Images

OK, he's doable, but not that doable. If Rob Pattinson had half the heat the naughtier vampire boys in the mega nonsexual, Mormon-authored franchise Twilight had (Taylor Lautner, Kellan Lutz, Cam Gigandet, hello!), I'd understand all the slobbering, Kristen Stewart included.

But can't ya just see Robby in five years poofy 'n' pasty like Brendan Fraser? OK, maybe that's an exaggeration, as even Brendan took it back off after packing it on, but look, Bobby baby does like to throw 'em back, so that's the bloated road he's headed for, just warnin' y'all.

Also, I love perpetual horniness as much as the next orgasm-starved babe out there, but I just can't see panting—unrequitedly—for Edward for the next 265 installments the Twilight producers are so clearly planning. Harry Potter will be nothing next to this incorporated teen fest!

That said, can we please get Rob to hit the bench press, lay off the booze and perhaps utilize a facial expression or two? Is that so much to ask?

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