by Lauren Piester | Mon., Jun. 20, 2016 8:17 PM
We miss Chad, and we're only exaggerating a little.
Chad was like the over-proteined sweet potato-chomping mansplaining on-screen Bachelor livetweeter whose tweets were just 2 real for the other guys to handle in real time.
As one of them who probably has a name pointed out, Chad was the group's common enemy. Not only did he keep them from turning on each other, but he made them amazing. And when we say amazing, we don't mean "attractive and datable." We mean amazingly ridiculous, like that time they joined together for a sing-along (which we admittedly did enjoy), or tonight, when they held a funeral for Chad.
While fake James Taylor played the guitar, they said a few words of riddance for Chad and spread his protein powder like ashes on the ground. They were united. They were friends. They had seemingly forgotten that they were still all trying to date the same girl. They gathered in the cabin to confront the returning Chad, who had whistled his way through the woods to have a chat.
The best part of the generally non-violent confrontation was (aside from Evan demanding a new shirt!) Jordan's attempt to highlight the problems he didn't have with Chad.
"Working out by yourself was a thing?!" we and Chad asked at the same time.
It seemed perhaps that Chad wanted to apologize, but he didn't really get there, due to the other guys (led by Jordan) not giving him a chance. He ended up admitting that he would have said the same things all over again, and he pointed out that Jordan seemed to hate him from the moment they laid eyes upon each other, and it never would have mattered what Chad said. Meanwhile, we admitted to ourselves that we were oddly on Chad's side in this situation.
He's a douche for sure, and we don't particularly want to date him, but he's quite observant.
After Chad spun his way out of the house, the guys commenced their celebrations. Alex returned to a hero's welcome, including cheering, sparklers, and cupcakes, and it is our greatest hope that one of the guys took it upon himself to bake those cupcakes specifically to smash into Alex's face, in a celebratory sort of way. Where did they get sparklers? Whose idea was this?!
(Could you imagine if this is how the women had reacted last season when Olivia got left on that island?)
Of course, as soon as Chad was gone, so was the brotherly love. The enemy had been destroyed, and now it was time to destroy each other in the pursuit of cheesy dates with their mutual girlfriend.
Turns out some woman named JoJo is the actual star of this whole thing. Not Chad, not Jordan, not the hero Alex, but JoJo, who's just simply looking for someone to love. Once the guys also remembered that she was the point of all of this, they abandoned their group congratulations and started competing again. "Can I steal you for a second?" went back to being their motto, instead of "Down with all the Chads!"
Little did they know, however, that motto would soon come back into play. But more on that in a bit.
Before it was finally time to get this show on the road, there was a rose ceremony to be had. Canadian Daniel bid fare-eh, and James F was also sent packing, despite the poem he had written for JoJo.
Her heart is like a treasure / her dreams not far away / and whenever she decides to hand someone the key / that man should let her know/ and daily help her see / the wonder that is her / the beauty that is she
And here's our poem.
His face is just a face / his nose not far away / we relied upon the screen / to ever know his name
After the rose ceremony, the group traveled to Uruguay (which is a place that maybe a quarter of the guys could have vaguely located on a map), and Jordan got the first Uruguayan one-on-one. While he and JoJo had a marvelous time making out and making out and making out, the other guys turned on him, because football players are automatically evil.
He was NOT THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. HE JUST WANTS FAME. No we're not any kind of JorJo shippers over here, but their sudden panic was hilarious. They thought that since Jordan was already a frontrunner, he didn't require an actual one-on-one.
They actually had no idea that JoJo had a slight ulterior motive for asking him on the date, because at some point (which is still unclear), she met Jordan's ex-girlfriend and basically learned that he used to be a very terrible boyfriend.
He got HELLA nervous about JoJo's question, and we've never heard a faster "No!" than the one he spit out when she asked if there was cheating. Jordan blamed all his problems on sports, so maybe the other guys really were onto something, and football really is evil.
In order to calm themselves down, the guys treated themselves to a spa day. Two of them even went as far as getting pedicures and putting cucumbers on their eyes, and they became our favorites, even though we couldn't tell which scruffy white guys they actually were.
Most of the other dudes just got haircuts, and in the process, they "stumbled upon" a tabloid magazine that just happened to feature a scathing article about JoJo, alleging that she had gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend, Chad, only to dump him when she was offered The Bachelorette.
This sent the whole crop of men into quite the tizzy, so when JoJo returned from her date, the producers took it upon themselves to let her know what was going on.
"I just feel so happy," she said. "I don't think anything could take away this feeling."
Less than a split second later, the producer leaned into frame and handed her the magazine. It was some unbelievable timing, and felt very reminiscent of another show involving competitive dating with a tabloid rumor storyline. How very curious…
Anyway, JoJo was beyond unhappy. She had befriended her ex when she came home from The Bachelor, but that's it. Now he's just being rude. The guys were all quickly back on JoJo's side, beyond ready to determine that all the world's Chads are even eviler than football players.
JoJo and some of the guys went sand surfing and everyone complained about how there were other guys there, and then JoJo went on a one-on-one date (with Robby? Maybe?) and jumped off a cliff after revealing the fact that her bottom is made of photoshop (thanks to Michelle Collins for pointing that out on Twitter). Everyone made sure to let JoJo know that they don't care about dumb tabloid articles, and all was well.
Derek, however, was unhappy. Even after getting the group date rose, he was worried that the other guys felt the same way he did, and he was feeling insecure, so he pulled Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan aside to accuse them of being in a clique. Not a gang, not a cult, not a threatening group of individuals, but a clique.
Everyone was mostly worried about wasting valuable cocktail party time, but then Chris Harrison announced that (the horror!) there would be no cocktail party. JoJo had her mind made up, and her mind did not see Evan, Grant, or Vinny as viable husbands.
That means the Derek/clique/Jordan the evil football player drama will all continue into next week, but we may never know if Evan gets a new shirt. Here's hoping he does someday, and that it's a nice one, because even if we could never see him as much more than an erectile dysfunction specialist, we can at least admit he deserves a nice shirt.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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