Jonas Family Christmas

Cardigan sweaters, neckties, dog hugging? Posing with mom and dad around a Christmas tree? Purity rings are one thing, but according to Jonas superfan Jamilee Abernathy, 13, it's all too much.

"I just can't pretend anymore," sobbed the seventh grader to Soup Blog reporters. "Kevin, Nick, Joe...I've loved them so much, but I need something real from this relationship. I'm a healthy teenaged girl on the cusp of womanhood, and I desperately crave a fantasy male celebrity in my life who's got some, like, balls."

The hard-studying, flute-playing Abernathy—who is also heavily involved in 4-H activities and sings in the local Presbyterian youth choir—has taken extreme measures, removing some 57 taped-up posters of the tween boy group from her bedroom walls. "I was drawn in by their sweetness, and it worked for me. It really did. But I can't take it anymore. For gosh sakes, I'm totally not an idiot."  

At press time Abernathy was considering falling for Kid Rock, Johnny Depp or Al Pacino.

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