Dear Ryan Gosling,
I was shocked and saddened to learn of the end of your relationship (again) with Rachel McAdams. Break-ups are certainly painful, but the end of a long-term relationship to a beautiful talent like Rachel must be positively excruciating. I can only imagine what you’re going through. Poor little buckaroo. I bet you’re an absolute mess right now.
Listen, my friend. I’m here for you. I want to make sure that you’re going to be all right. So if there’s anything I can do for you - and I really do mean anything - I want you to let me know as soon as possible.
Here are some suggestions as to how I can be of some help:
- You’ve always got a drinking buddy in me, Ryan Gosling. Nothing numbs heartache like half a dozen shots of tequila washed down with a pitcher or two of whiskey. I am ready and willing to sacrifice a small portion of my liver function for the sake of your emotional well-being. Seriously, Ryan Gosling! We should totally get drunk together! Right now!
- Break-ups can be really stressful. Your beautiful, chiseled frame must be a big ball of tension. I’m not sure if you knew this about me, Ryan Gosling, but I’m a Registered Massage Therapist. I’d be happy to gently rub your back, neck, feet or any other part of your body that needs a good working-over. You’ll be entirely relaxed (and/or fast asleep) in no time flat!
- Your bed must be awfully cold, Ryan Gosling. Cold and empty. And I’m sure that the sickly stench of your ex-girlfriend's sweat lingers on your pillow. It’s a vile place, that bed. Bad vibes, bad memories. You should take a break from it for a little while. Look, I’ve got a great big double bed here that you’re welcome to share with me whenever you feel like it. It’ll be fun! I’ll make some chamomile tea and bake up some chocolate chip cookies and we can watch late night television and maybe have a pillow fight or two and maybe I’ll fall off the bed by accident and we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh! Yep. Just you and me, Ryan Gosling. In my bed. Hangin’ out. Like the good buds that we are.
I know what you’re thinking, Ryan Gosling. You are thinking, “My God, Sofi! You are too kind! You are just so unbelievably caring and selfless and you want to help me out without wanting anything at all for yourself! I daresay you might just be the perfect woman! What have I done to deserve your bountiful benevolence?”
To that, I say only this - what are platonic friends for, Ryan Gosling?
Fondly,
Love,
Sincerely and non-sexually yours,
Sofi Papamarko