Jessica Simpson is No. 1, ya'll—in Russia! Jessy's Major Movie Star was a DVD dud here, but it's a hit at the box office with the Ruskies. Far more interesting is this story that, faced with how horrible her movie roles have been received here in the States, suggests "she'd be substantially better off, frankly, having a sitcom in which she can play herself."
Uh, she did, and we saw it. Here are the dirty details:
The pilot was called—what else?—Jessica, starring J.S. as Jessica Sampson. Clever. Babe starred as an aspiring pop singer and ditzy blonde who gets hired on a news show as a reporter. Shenanigans ensue, and Jess sings, 'cause, ya know, that's what Katie Couric does after every interview.
We got to see this 22-minute train wreck back in 2004, giving us faith in the boob-tube execs over at ABC, since they were crazy enough to ask for it, but not idiotic enough to actually put it on the air. Thanks, guys.
And Jessy-poo? Maybe you should consider moving to Russia. We'd miss ya much, but apparently that's where your fan base resides now, guzzling away the 100-proof stuff, no doubt. Now, If you do relocate, would you please take along your sis, Ashlee, for company?
—Additional sass by Becky Bain